Dec 23: Change of Heart: The Spiny Serpent - Lydia

[Charles Selwyn]

“So I told Diggory to let me handle it, but he insisted he knew more about the Blast-Ended Skrewts that I did,” Pausing in his story to open the door for Lydia, he gave her a grin before following her inside. It had been her idea to get dinner tonight, and he wasn’t about to complain. Being away from her the past few months had been more difficult than he had anticipated. He’d gotten so used to her company all the time, and he much preferred her company to that of his parents. “Anyway, that’s how he ended up with burns at Mungos, I swear. I wouldn’t have gotten hired if I couldn’t handle the job.” The Spiny Serpent was busy tonight, but that wasn’t surprising with Hogwarts on break for the holidays. Thankfully, a hostess was showing them to a table quickly, and he pulled out the chair for Lydia, never one to forget his proper manners around his girl.

Sitting down opposite her, he had to wonder what was on her mind. She had listened to his story all the way through Diagon Alley, but he could tell there was something she wanted - or needed - to say. He thought he knew her quite well after all their years together. But he couldn’t place what exactly it was. Perhaps some drama from her tea yesterday with Bronwyn and Meredith, and he did hope that he wouldn’t have to deal with drama. That was one thing he enjoyed about being out of school - he no longer had to be involved when those two got into it. Bronwyn and Meredith were a headache he could go without. “How was your tea yesterday? Did they like their Christmas presents?” He was sure that they did, and he truthfully didn't care, but he'd learned over the years to let Lydia into the conversation instead of constantly talking over her. "Or were they at each others throats as usual?"

[Lydia Avery]

Walking along hand-in-hand with her love, Lydia was only partially tuned into his story about the foolish Hufflepuff graduate he now had to work with on the daily. While she did feel some guilt at not giving Charlie her full attention, especially as she was planning to demand all of his during their date, she was doing her best to push back the learned feeling. She deserved to take what charge of her life that she could; so much was predetermined for her, and she knew Charlie had made concessions already, what with staying in England instead of taking to the skies to follow the dragons in his heart. But he was still involved with that longstanding passion with his work at the Ministry, and as for his other work… It was your family obligation, yes, and no one can say no to him. But did you want any differently? Truly? She had accepted that he would be involved in this war, just as her brother and father were, just as the Selwyns showed their support. But perhaps it was worth more of a conversation; if he saw her side, if it came out that there were changes he too wanted to make, could they not work together to achieve them? 

She gave a slightly exasperated smile as she let go of his hand to enter their chosen establishment, nerves mounting now that they were here. Hypothetical situations discussed with herself, discussed with her dearest friends yesterday, had given her confidence about this plan. But Charlie was unpredictable. She hoped that he would be supportive, and not too upset with her for challenging their agreed-upon plans of marriage soon after her graduation, of the implied plan of her taking care of their home while he worked. Wouldn't he see that that life would be anything but satisfying for her? She needed challenge, she needed stimulation, she needed something that was hers...

Lydia followed the hostess to their table, relieving herself of her cloak and sitting with a softer smile as Charlie got the chair for her. Her betrothed sat across from her and she met the keen blue eyes of the man she had learned to love, clasping her hands in her lap after smoothing her hair over her shoulders. He will understand. Maybe not right away, but you’ll make him see. You’ve never given up on him - he won’t let this come between you.

But she had to give a trilling laugh at his redirection of their speech, feeling fully well that he was glad to have not been invited to the tea with her roommates. "They were perfectly lovely, about the gifts and in behavior, thank you very much," she declared agreeably. "Meredith even gifted me a vial of Veritaserum! I'm not certain when it will come in handy, but I know I'll find a good use for it someday, unless you have need of it before I do." If his hand was at her heart, the organ would betray her, however even she was keeping her tone. Lydia took a sip from the chilled sparkling water in her glass and reached for the menu, handling it as lightly as she broached the conversation. "It was very nice to see them, truly. I know they can be a bit much, but they care about me in their own ways. We spoke of what waits for us after Hogwarts, actually."

[Charles Selwyn]

As they walked through Diagon Alley to Knockturn Alley, he could tell Lydia was only giving him part of her attention. Normally, this sort of thing would bother him, especially when he was telling a story so interesting. His future wife generally did give him all of her attention when he wanted it, but instead she was nearly silent as they walked. He couldn’t entirely blame her, not when he could have had much more interesting stories if he’d been able to work with dragons like he had wanted. And Amos Diggory was quite a bore most of the time, which made stories about his job less than interesting than he would like them to be. It wasn’t like he could regal her with stories about his other job, because what was so interesting about that? He was supposed to be recruiting people to the cause, and so far he’d found nothing to recruit. The Dark Arts were not where his passions lied, not by any means.

But his family supported the Dark Lord, and the pressure to join up upon graduation had been immense. His father and mother were too old to fully support the cause as part of the group, but it had been made clear by his parents that they expected them too. Blood purity was important to them, and in a way it was important to him too. It was special, to be part of the Sacred 28, to be a pureblood in a society that was slowly become more muggleborn and half-bloods. He was special, to be the son from an influential family. So he’d done what they asked, and taken his mark. He’d done what the Dark Lord requested, and kept eyes on Arthur Weasley at the Ministry to report back about his activities. He was doing everything that was expected of him.

It seemed that Lydia was finally ready to open up to him, and he looked up from his menu as she spoke. Her roommates were generally agreeable, and he had found that he appreciated their friendship at times. He wasn’t entirely surprised to hear that Meredith had given his lovely Lydia Veritaserum, as she had always been good at potions. It was information to store in the back of his mind, in case Lydia was right about him needing to put it to use. He chuckled, setting his menu down as he thought of what life after Hogwarts meant. Neither Meredith or Bronwyn had a situation like he and Lydia did, and he truly felt bad for them. To not know love, to have no life after school to look forward to, it was depressing, wasn’t it? “Are they keen to help you plan our wedding? After all, the two of them have very little to look forward to. Other than that Arithmancy apprenticeship, but only one of them will get that.”

[Lydia Avery]

"They'll be more than helpful, of course! Their excitement for us is paralleled by my own," she said smoothly, taking his hand with her freshly manicured one. "But Charlie, darling, that's not altogether - " Fair. " - true. Only one of them will get the internship, yes, but they've got plans for themselves beyond that." Doesn’t matter that nothing’s a solid plan yet, but they’ve got plots in motion. Regulus and Bronwyn will come forward soon, and surely they’ll marry after he graduates. And Meredith will be scooped up before too long, I'm certain of it. "You and Nicky will be seeing them more than I will, once we're done with school," Lydia said pointedly, not wanting to come out and name names of potential future Death Eaters, even in this friendly establishment.

"In fact, quite a few of my fellows are preparing for further education or employment in one way or another," she went on, delicately stepping towards the crux of the matter as she stroked his hand. "And while I adore any time granted with you and would've asked you to dinner besides - this is what I most wanted to discuss with you tonight. Not to worry, I have no desire to follow you into your after-hours endeavors," Lydia clarified quickly and quietly, smiling as though they were discussing which drinks to begin with instead of her refusal to spend her time hunting mudbloods and muggles. "But as happy as I am for us to finally join our lives together, I do not think I can while away those days - " Years. " - alone at home. I want to do something meaningful for the cause in my own way. Your support means the world to me, darling, and I'm forming a plan," she said earnestly, dark eyes shimmering with hope that this would not become a fight, that her choice of them meeting out in public was an unnecessary evasive measure. "Will you hear it?"

[Charles Selwyn]

He managed to not laugh at her words, as much as he wanted to. While he wouldn’t say that he was on the best of terms with Meredith and Bronwyn, he did feel that he knew them well enough to know that their excitement for his wedding to Lydia wasn’t at the same level as Lydia’s excitement. In fact, he was pretty sure that neither of the other girls was that fond of him, but it wasn’t like he cared. They didn’t have to like him, either way he and Lydia would be married by this time next year. And how wonderful would that be, to come to her rather than coming home to an empty house. Still, he listened carefully to her words, raising an eyebrow as she talked of her friend’s having plans for their lives after school. Why would he be seeing them more than she would? He wasn’t exactly one to hang out with his bethrothed’s friends. Unless she meant… Charles didn’t stop the snicker this time. Were they really thinking about joining the cause? They’d freak the moment it got real, that much he was sure of.

But he was trying to be patient and listen, so he didn’t interrupt to give his opinion on that matter. Even though he wanted to. Lydia seemed to be reaching a point - at least he hoped she was - and so he nodded through her discussion of how many of her classmates were looking into joining different workforces. He wanted to remind her that he was aware of how seventh year at Hogwarts worked, seeing as it had only been one year since he’d been there, but he felt that might just get on Lydia’s nerves. It was reassuring to hear that she had no thoughts about joining his after hours activities, because quite frankly he knew she wouldn’t make it in the boys club. But what could she possibly be thinking? And as if she would be alone - they’d have an heir of course, so she would never truly be alone. Chuckling as she directed the conversation toward him, he shrugged and gave her hand a squeeze. “You wouldn’t be home alone. Just until we have kids, you know. And kids need their mother around, so I am glad you don’t want to join my after hours activities,” he laughed, fiddling with the edge of his menu as he tried to run through options of what she could possibly want. “But tell me your plan, I will listen.”

[Lydia Avery]

What's so humorous about Winnie and Mere wanting to join the fight? Do you giggle when Mrs. Lestrange makes a suggestion to the council? No. Does it matter that they haven't "proven" themselves yet? What did you do before you were invited in, besides being born to the proper family?

Lydia took polite offense at her betrothed's amusement at the expense of her friends. Did Charlie expect them to string up mudbloods and hold court with plebeians to denounce the new ways? While their Headmaster seemed to turn a blind eye to many of their endeavors - or was persuaded to by influential families on the board of governors - she doubted that he would let them publicly decry his teachings in "his" halls. But tonight was not about convincing Charlie of the sagacity of their plans, although she had hoped that using them would show she was not an outlier in wanting more, so the girl bit the tongue that wanted to defend the others and waited for him to speak.

When he did, she found herself disappointed. While he had said he would hear her, his initial statements reinforced her concerns. It was all she could do to not spit words at him. I am not your broodmare. With all they had been through together, with how well he knew her, did he really think she could be content with the domestic life he yet envisioned for her? How many matriarchs of their society were - not even happy, but sane? Who hadn't turned to alcohol or potions or affairs to distract from the deadening monotony they had accepted in their youth? To be naught but a pretty thing to be seen at Charlie's side, to bear his children, to have nothing to accomplish that was hers beyond choosing when to change seasonal decorations at their house?

It was good luck indeed that a waiter came to tend to them, and Lydia fluidly put in an order for smoked salmon canapés and Charlie's favorite wine while, inside, she both commended herself at not having allowing her frustration to be plain to him over the years, and held annoyance for him that he had not surmised it himself. "I have noticed a chink in the armor, as it were, in how the organization conducts itself," she began after the waiter took his leave. "From what I've seen, all healing duties fall onto the injured parties themselves. This may be enough for superficial injury, but for anything remotely extensive..." She shrugged her shoulders to express the dismal state of things, and continued. "I feel that I could help improve this situation by learning how to heal, and offering that service to our brethren. What do you think?"

[Charles Selwyn]

Perhaps it was rude to laugh, that much he could infer from the look Lydia gave him, but he couldn’t imagine it. Meredith, with her perfect hair and perfect outfits, doing the dirty work of the Dark Lord? She was certainly twisted enough to handle it, but he couldn’t see her pulling off some of the missions she heard about. She wasn’t another Bellatrix Lestrange or Alecto Carrow. It was easier to imagine with Bronwyn, she’d never been particularly girly, playing as a Beater in Quidditch of all positions. But just because she had no problem hitting a bludger at someone’s face didn’t mean that she was cut out for the big leagues. Perhaps they would take their marks, being the only children from their families, but ultimately they wouldn’t be able to succeed. It wasn’t as if he was looking forward to the idea of doing the sort of thing the Carrows and Lestranges did, but he knew he would be able to if it was asked of him.

The idea of them being good Death Eaters was almost as ridiculous as the idea of Lydia being a good Death Eater. No, his betrothed was proper and she would be a good wife and mother. She’d accepted the idea that the two of them would be married long ago, unlike some of her dormmates who had failed relationships and no prospects. That had to be why those girls even wanted to join the cause in the first place, they had nothing going for them other than a silly apprenticeship. At least Cordelia had Rabastan, but he didn’t understand how the two of them got along. Cordelia worked at the Leaky of all places, and he didn’t understand how that didn’t drive Rabastan mad. He couldn’t imagine Lydia deciding to work in a place like that.

He copied Lydia’s order, turning his attention to her fully as she started to speak, but he found that while she had a good point, she was being truly ridiculous. It wasn’t as if she knew any more healing spells than he did, and she couldn’t possibly be serious about learning. If she didn’t learn from school, that meant she wanted to become a Healer, and the long hours away from the house and him weren’t something he was exactly for. “I think you’re cute babe, wanting to learn how to help out. But you don’t have to do that, I’m already supporting the cause. You don’t need to worry about that kind of thing. Leave that to me.”

[Lydia Avery]

Was there anything more insulting than the look on her betrothed's face when she began to open up about her plan? 

Somehow, yes.

    His words.

He had been raised to fall in line to the orders of his superiors, to direct his energies to the cause. He'd grown up in the same society that she had, but as the only Selwyn child...his experience was Nicky's, and neither of them could understand what their world was like from her point of view. No, they are fully capable of understanding, but that would mean they would have to try. And why would they bother to do that when the world, from their point of view, suited them just fine? It wasn't that Lydia didn't want their marriage - she did. It wasn't that she didn't want their children - she did. But to think that the only individuals who were allowed to contribute were the heirs, and in their very specific manners of contributions...The war would go nowhere if all that happened was relentless fighting in the shadows! Where were the policy-makers? The professors? The healers? If the soldiers burned the world down to get them to the end of this war, who would be left to build it back up?

"I'm not trying to be cute, I'm being serious," she whispered, injured, as she leaned towards him, willing him to see the brilliance in this. Searching Charlie's eyes for a glimmer of - of anything that could tell her he was honestly considering her appeal. "I am compelled to contribute, surely you can understand? I have just as much to gain - or lose - from all of this as you do." Lydia tightened her grip on his hand, trying to not grow desperate. Without his support, she could never turn her parents, and while this had not been her dream for very long - she'd never held a dream like this, and found the idea of simply letting it go to be terribly abhorrent. "Just, for a moment, forget that it would be me - think what it would mean to have someone on your side infiltrate that space. Imagine who they could take out of the game, while learning how to keep you and the others in it for as long as this takes." She swallowed, forcibly relaxing the death grip that had developed over the course of her speech.

"I've seen your scars, Charlie," she continued, allowing some of her concern to creep in. "You're lucky that you haven't had any severe curses strike you. But what happens if you're hit with something you can't heal without professional help? Who will you turn to? You can't possibly go to the hospital straight from battle with that Mark on your arm." What if you pursue this and he holds it against you? What if he stops loving you? What then? Lydia banished the unhelpful thoughts and met his eye, sincere and severe. "I would trust no one above you to protect me, because I know you would break down mountains to keep me safe. You know that I would do the same for you, for I refuse to lose you to this. I am asking you to give me the time to learn." 

[Charles Selwyn]

It was so typical of Lydia to do this, invite him somewhere public and spring something on him in hopes he wouldn’t make a scene. It only made him more infuriated by the whole idea she was presenting him, and he was regretting skipping lunch with her and her friends yesterday. For surely those ambitious blonde idiots were the ones responsible for this, convincing Lydia she needed something more than him and his children. They had roles in life to fulfill, not only to their families but to each other. And now some idiot birds had talked her into thinking that she needed to contribute to the cause, that she had something to lose. What she had to lose was her future, and she wanted to throw it away to be some sort of spy? She had an older brother, there were plenty of Avery’s on the battlefield doing the work. He was the only Selwyn of their generation, he was the one responsible for making sure his family name meant something. She was the one who was supposed to help the name live on.

She was practically squeezing his hand off, trying to talk him into this idea. He was thankful when she relaxed her grip, looking at him with those big eyes that he loved. Expressing her concern for him, and those scars he hadn’t been able to heal. And admittedly she was right, he couldn’t waltz into Mungo’s with the Dark Mark on his arm and expect there not to be some questions asked. He’d never been hit by any serious curses because it wasn’t those on the other side actually using serious curses. The Aurors were weak, too afraid to use any real magic to get the job accomplished. It was why the Ministry would fall quickly when the time came. “Lydia, you can’t be serious,” he whispered harshly as he leaned forward, knowing already that the woman across from him was completely serious about this. “So to make sure I’m understanding, you expect me to come home every night to an empty house while you’re out healing whatever filth that walks into a hospital? You’ve no experience in it, how long exactly, are you asking me to delay on expecting an heir?”

Lydia was correct about one thing, he wasn’t going to yell at her. Not here, not in a place like this where it would come back to haunt his family name. But that didn’t mean he was simply going to let her have her way. He could only imagine having to go to his father, to tell him that they’d be delaying the attempt for an heir so that Lydia could learn to heal mudbloods on the off chance it became helpful. He could already hear his father flipping out, threatening to call off the betrothal. Looking across the table at her, he didn’t stop the long sigh. He loved Lydia, so much that sometimes it hurt during these months apart. He wanted to give her the world if he could, but he’d already given up so much to appease his parents. Did she really expect him to give her up as well? “You don’t have to worry so much, nothing bad is going to happen to me out there.”

[Lydia Avery]

This wasn't fair - none of it was. That their futures had been determined when they were children, that she had to consult him and their parents before making moves for herself, that Charlie had had to put his dreams aside to take up the Mark and do as told by Lord Voldemort. While Lydia had pitied Mere when the disaster with the Zabinis struck, and she knew that as long as Charlie was by her side she had nothing to fear - she envied her friend's autonomy these days. They had all grown up with expectations, expectations drilled into them for so long that it was difficult to remember the specific lessons, but the implications were as good as written on the insides of her eyelids. You were chosen. You will be dutiful. You will obey. The visceral need for something more had rattled her as much as it had strengthened her, and it was a risk. To dare to be this vulnerable with her Charlie, who could take her words to their parents and twist them, turn them, to break them apart or lock her into this life permanently even faster.

I trust you. I have to trust you.

The breath of his whisper was hot against her cheeks as he came towards her, not disbelief, not resignation...disappointment in his dark eyes. She wasn't playing around, and he knew it. So few of their conversations over the years had had this kind of bite, and while Lydia hadn't expected her betrothed to simply jump onboard with her, that didn't make his sentiments sting any less. She didn't want the seriousness of the moment to be lost in mutual upset, she at least needed a clear head tonight if she had any hope of getting him on her side, and hated the pinpricks of tears that stung her eyes at his words. She turned to the side, blinking quickly, fingers growing clammy in his hands as she looked back to him. He sighed, pained, and that was her opening.

"I love you, Charlie." She breathed, careful. "This is not coming out of a desire to postpone our wedding and our heir. I want that life with you - I will be lucky to have that life with you. Let's not be rash, let us take some time to think. If you are truly against this in a few days time, I won't apply. The trainee program is only a year, and I would do my best to arrange my shifts with yours. And maybe you're right - maybe I have no experience and that spells my doom, and I'll get dismissed as soon as I begin." Unlikely. The young woman chanced a small smile, teary as her dark eyes were. She thought of her brash words to her fellows, that she would pursue this venture with or without the support of him or their families. Would she? Could she? Let's hope we don't have to find out. Let's hope that putting this on him makes the difference. Would he pass this test? 

"But I hope you can understand that I have ambitions of my own, and - and that I deserve the chance to try to make a difference for our people. Our families. And you, if the worst should happen." While she felt tentative, Lydia reached out with a steady hand to cup his face, thumb tenderly brushing against his cheek. "I know you've put your dreams aside for the greater good, love. When he has won, we will tour every dragon reserve in the world with our children. We can uproot ourselves and get established again next to one, for all I care. That time will come." She smiled, soft, at the thought of their children - fierce and willful and beautiful, they were bound to be - and of the future that awaited them. When the current madness was done - she would have the skills to take care of any burns or stings, her love could research to his heart's content, and their brood would be the stuff of legend. They just had to get through this moment. "Will you think this over? Really think this over, for me?"