Moonbeam - Charlotte - December 1981

[Charlotte Fudge]

Yes, you are lucky, what with a partner who not only knows what's best for him but will also act accordingly.

Charlotte swallowed her less-than-charitable thoughts with a drink of her tea, trying not to be so sour. It was good that things were going well with Marly, that the previous Order member now had much more manageable worries on her plate. The other woman had earned a long respite away from troubles, and deep in her heart - underneath her present jealous anxiety - Char was happy for her, so happy that things had worked out. It hadn't been that terribly long ago when it seemed as if the war would never end, or that they wouldn't make it to the end with their bodies, minds, and relationships intact. Scars visible and not had littered their pack, had found themselves on anyone touched by the war, and she had tried to be extra mindful of that in these last weeks without Remus.

He had been pushed, pulled, prodded, and stretched, body and mind. She'd never know the stories of what happened on those nights in Greyback's forest, and had accepted that; but every time he came back, it felt like more of a struggle for him to regain his sense of self, for them to fall back into their normal ways in the house. Funny now that we even thought "normal" was something we could grasp back then. She tried to remember his struggles, she tried to be patient. She tried to understand that this news was unexpected, and not what he wanted. But - for Merlin's sake - it wasn't as if her life was as straightforward and simple as she'd tried to make it appear to him!

For years there had been few moments when she hadn't felt fear - not that she was crippled by it, but it was always there, on the edges of her periphery. Checking wards not once, not twice, but thrice before bed; it was simply what you did. The constant watchfulness, wariness, was wearing. Not to mention being cut off from her family at their marriage, not to mention keeping her husband's condition an absolute secret - that omnipresent fear wasn't only for her own safety, but for his. If he was found out, even today the Ministry wouldn't hesitate to take him away from her, put him somewhere even farther out of her reach than Greyback had...And through it all, she buried her fears. Buried her anxiety. Buried her concerns. As well as she could, Char maintained a simple public life, and a simple one at home, to be as constant as she could for both her sake and his...

Marly reached down to pick up her daughter, the toddler happily settling onto her lap. Char gave them a tense smile, resisting eyeing the door behind them as well as she could. The number of times she caught herself staring at it, hoping he'd knock or just burst in - it was embarrassing. "Mo's going to be a Quidditch expert before long, will know all the in's and out's of the stadium once she's running," she said, trying for levity. She hadn't quite decided whether or not having company was better or worse than perseverating on her problems alone; alone she didn't have to try for composure, but it was undeniably reassuring to have someone else know - and not bolt once the news was out... She eyed her friend curiously, hoping that the questions on the tip of her tongue wouldn't cause that response belatedly. It was an unspoken rule to stay mum on the subject, but under the present circumstance... 

"Marly, I'm sorry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to," the young blonde said in a rush, nervously finding the other's eyes, "but...why did you leave, back then? What is it you were afraid of?"

[Deleted]

Marlene couldn’t help but feel guilt wash over her. She wasn’t trying to sound like things were great comparatively to Charlotte’s life, she didn’t want to sound like she was bragging. She wanted to be here to support her friend, but she didn’t want to be dishonest. And honestly if she made it sound like things weren’t as fine, in comparison it still would have been better than what Charlotte was going through.

Basically Marly was stuck between an emotional rock and hard place.

Not that she was going to let that stop her. She smiled at Char’s continuation on the little girl in Marlene’s lap, trying to keep things sounding normal if she had to guess. But then Charlotte asked the million galleon question. One she’d only truly answered in full once. James had gotten the picture in decent enough detail but Liam had gotten the whole story. Except the part about her potentially not coming back, she’d kind of fibbed to him about that part but at that point hadn’t she hurt him enough?

“Oh… Ah- Wow, yeah haven’t heard that one in a few years…” She wasn’t quite sure what to say. She’d never been truly questioned unless you counted James the night he found her. She never thought too much about it, and kind of liked that it was just pushed away. She even pretended that never happened sometimes. Pushed it away. “But it’s okay, I’ll answer.” She still hadn’t even decided if she’d tell Mo the story.

“It’s… Kind of complicated. Because I wasn’t afraid of the same thing the entire time I was gone. At first… At first I was afraid of the responsibility. I wasn’t sure if Liam was ready to have a kid at that point or if I even wanted to actually have the baby and then I sort of let that spiral into potentially doing this whole ‘mother’ thing on my own and… After that it just sort of… escalated further. Whether or not I could come back to you all after leaving like I did. Wondering if Liam would be pissed at me for not telling him sooner. If the very act of me leaving made him not want to trust me after all the times I lied to him. It was never just one thing, you know? And all those feelings all at once was completely overwhelming. I couldn’t focus my mind enough to think clearly. But I think it definitely started with me questioning my ability to parent a kid, my kid. To be responsible for another person.”

[Charlotte Fudge]

While Marlene was a longtime friend and it would have been gratifying to see her strictly for that, the unique insights that the other had were, admittedly, a pull for Char to reach out to her specifically. It was selfish of her, and she knew it, to ask her friend to dredge up old fears. For that had had to be why she’d run, so many years ago; Marlene was a brave woman, but Char couldn’t imagine what else could propel her to leave as she had if she hadn’t been terribly, unspeakably, afraid. If Marlene was willing to share the details of that fear, Char hoped it would give her a clearer picture of what her husband was running from.

There was the obvious worry, naturally; their decision to not have children was, in part, due to Remus’ fear of passing down his furry little problem. But whether or not this fear was founded was another matter; there was no record that she could find - and with the back rooms of many bookshops available to her now, she had spent much time attempting to do so - of a werewolf having a child. But the childhood that had been stripped from Remus once he was bitten, it was something he couldn’t bear to see repeated…

But there has to be something else.

And so it was with gratefulness, and complete attention, that Charlotte turned to her friend as Marlene agreed to share. She belatedly realized that asking her to recount this while Mo was present was not the best form, but thankfully that didn’t stop Marlene from speaking out. It was a story Char had wanted to know, both for the sake of appeasing her usual curiosity at an unexplained situation and for the sake of better understanding her friend, but had refrained from asking. It wasn’t something to pry at, it was something to wait for Marlene to share, if she ever chose. But with her current situation…Char was certain Marlene understood why she was suddenly compiled to ask.

"Thanks, Marly," she said, reaching over and around the little one to squeeze the other blonde’s shoulder. "I can only speculate at what he’s thinking, I really do appreciate your perspective." The idea that Remus may be afraid of her - her reaction, more specifically - was something she hadn’t wholly considered. That the husband that towered over her, who had more physical strength in an arm than she had in the whole of her, could fear her…because he cares what you think of him. A different sort of fear, a different sort of potential pain. Charlotte felt in her heart that, however unprepared they both independently believed themselves to be for the journey of parenthood, that if they could both decide to embark on this together…that they would surprise even themselves. Remus was patient and kind, clever and silly, and a thousand and one other things that a father should be. While fear of being a father was something she could see from him, couldn’t she get him to see how good at it he could be?

Speculation at what was keeping him away wasn’t altogether healthy, Char knew, for she could very well be proven wrong. But she couldn’t help but try and understand from afar, and settle her mind as much as she could through the efforts. Along with discussing his other fears and her own, though, and hopefully putting them to rest, that meant…seeing him.

"It’s worked out for the best, with you and Liam, and Mo of course," Char said after a bit of quiet consideration. "When you came back, was there anything he did to make that transition…easier for you than you’d thought?" She swallowed thickly, taking her tea in both hands to quell their sudden trembling, and spoke more to the liquid than to her friend as she went on, voice barely above a whisper. "I want my husband back, and I want him to stay, if it’s at all possible. If there’s anything I can do to make that a more certain reality…we’re going to need to talk about this, and he’ll know how upset I’ve been, but I…I don’t want this to be the end of us."

[Remus Lupin]

You have a key, it’s not like she changed the locks
        Well, you don’t actually know that she hasn’t…
Just walk in the damn door, you idiot.

Standing outside of their cottage certainly wasn’t helping his nerves. It felt strange to knock - he did live here after all, and had every right to simply walk into his own house. But would it be improper of him? He’d been gone for two weeks, just opening the door almost felt like he was barging in. Just go into your damn house. What if she wasn’t even home? It was late enough that she should be, but he hadn’t even bothered to send her a letter to let her know he was alright. Or worse - what if she had gone to his father? Her parents had all but disowned her when they had gotten married, and they weren’t really on speaking terms with Rufus either. But Lyall would be furious if he knew what Remus had done.

Please just be home.

Bags in one hand, and oversized stuffed bear tucked under his arm, he dug the keys from his pocket and stuck them in the locks, doing his best to gather all of his emotions as he opened the door. He didn’t know what he had been expecting on the other side of it, but he knew for sure that he hadn’t planned on Marlene and Mo being at his house. His eyes met Charlotte’s and he swallowed as he tried to come up with something to say. You can say anything, you dimwit. Just talk! Clearing his throat, he looked between the two of them uncomfortably.

“Sorry I’m late getting home.”

[Charlotte Fudge]

Vulnerability could hardly be termed a trait of House Fudge. The society of well-bred vultures she'd been raised in feasted off of slips of the tongue like the rarest caviar. She held few people dear to her heart, and fewer still had seen within hers. To admit to problems so personal, to seek advice in a time of need, it was not lightly done. And so Charlotte waited with bated breath to hear of anything Liam had done to assist Marlene's transition back into their life, hoping to adapt such methods to her own husband, if she ever had the chance. But before her friend spoke, Charlotte heard a key jangle in the lock of the front door, and the room fell to silence. Her spine became rigid, and her hand crept to the end table which her beechwood wand rested upon. The shuffle at the door continued as it opened, revealing a large furry object, a multitude of bags, and Remus Lupin.

Charlotte could only stare, stunned, as tears of fury and relief rose in her eyes. She half wanted to laugh at his acknowledgement of his own tardiness, but couldn't, not yet. She too cleared her throat and tore her eyes from his to look to her companion. "Apologies, Marlene, but if you’d excuse us..." Marlene made quick work of her and her daughter's departure, and it was only after the door shut behind them that Charlotte found her feet. She rose quietly, sharp eyes taking him in from his worn shoes to his fresh-from-Apparition hair. Even after the hurt he'd left her with, her bruised heart shouted at her feet to go to him already. But even though he'd arrived with what seemed to be items for the baby, he could just be there to drop them off. To leave her with the supplies and take what was his from the house she thought they'd share forever. And so she stood her ground, speaking through the tightness in her chest.

"Are you here to stay?"

[Remus Lupin]

There was so much tension in the air, you could probably slice it with a knife. Charlotte was staring at him with tears in her eyes, and he felt a pang of guilt shoot through him. He had been gone for far too long, for no good reason. And they both knew it, that much he was sure of. Marlene was quick go excuse herself, gathering up Mo and seeing herself out. He gave her an awkward nod as she left, before turning his gaze back to Charlotte. He felt the lump in his throat, but he didn’t want to be the first to speak. In fact, he’d hardly thought about what he was going to say to her. He’d thought a lot in the last two weeks, but he hadn’t prepared for this moment. There was too much to say, and he wasn’t sure where to begin. He watched her closely as she, noticing that she didn’t close the distance between them. She had to be furious with him, and she had every right to be.

“I’m here to stay,” he answered her quietly, setting the bags and bear down on the floor. With caution he closed some of the distance between them, unsure if taking her hands was a wise move. So instead he picked at the sleeves of his jumper, doing his best to maintain eye contact. “I owe you more than an apology. I don’t think I can ever make up for being gone these last two weeks. Especially over Christmas, merlin I’m an arse.” He stopped fidgeting with his jumper, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “The thing is that I’m a coward. Can’t fathom why I was in Gryffindor, because what I did was the opposite of brave. I am truly sorry for my leaving and not coming back until now. I could give you excuses as to why it’s taken me so long to come back, but I don’t think that will help.”

Looking back to the bags he’d left on the floor, he went to them and pulled out the baby shoes he’d bought, holding them out to her gently. “I’m ready to be a parent with you. I’m in this 100%.”

[Charlotte Fudge]

Over their years together, Charlotte has learned to pick up on the subtleties between them. The way he held his hands, the lay of his shoulders, the strain or lack thereof in his neck, could show her his mood more reliably sometimes than his words. Not that he tried to hide things with malintent, but to shield her from the horrors he'd seen, the pain he'd experienced, the lingering byproducts of his commitments and his life. The way they shared a space could speak volumes. Her arms were crossed in a hug to herself, holding her in place in more ways than one. She could feel his eyes on her, and knew that he was using his own power of inference on her, just as she was on him. What was he hoping to see?

What are you hopeful for?

    That he's here, for good. That he wants to do this with me.

That I can believe him, if that's what he says.

And he did.

Remus's initial statement was as brief as her own, and she felt a tightening in her throat. The fight for composure would not be won by her tonight, but still she swept tears from her eyes as she watched him come to her. Towards her. His fingers were agitated, picking at pilled bits of the jumper as he paused before her. Uncomfortable. Wary. Ashamed. Charlotte wanted to assuage his fears then. To tell him that he was forgiven, that they could pretend that these last two weeks hadn't happened. But she held her heart and her tongue and listened. Watched. This lonely Christmas was one for the books indeed, but her watery eyes jumped to his as his fingers stopped moving.

This doesn't make you a coward. Of everything you've lived through, everything you've chosen, you've proven that.

She wanted to interrupt him, to try she build him up as she'd done time and time again in moments of doubt, but she watched him go to the pile of new purchases and come back to her, baby shoes and heart in hand.

Charlotte took the shoes, overcome with the concurrent weight and weightlessness of the moment. That her husband had returned, that he wanted to live this life with her still - it should have been everything she wanted and needed. With his departure had come a beach of trust that couldn't be mended in this moment. But this is a start. She held the symbol to her chest and spoke as strongly as she could, eyes meeting his. "What changed your mind? When you left, it was with no uncertain terms of what you wanted me to do...I'd started to think I wouldn't see you again, Remus."

[Remus Lupin]

It hurt him to see her this upset, but hurt more knowing that he was the one to have caused it. She was guarded, and he knew she had every right to be. The way she was holding herself told him enough about the damage he had done. His parting words - the last thing he’d said to her before disappearing for two weeks - had been harsh. Get rid of it. He hated himself for it now, hated that he’d let his fear get the best of him in their argument. And if James and Sirius hadn’t talked some sense into him, he knew there was a chance he wouldn’t have come back. Could he have lived with himself if he hadn’t changed his mind and come home? No, you’d have hated yourself. There was no way he’d have ever been able to look at himself if he’d stuck with his original plan. Running away from everything would have been an easy out, and he was thankful for both James and Sirius talking some sense into him now that he was home.

He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to her, wiping the tears from her face gently. “I know, and I’m sorry. I really am,” he began, wiping at his own eyes where tears had spilled over,” “I went to see James today, talked to him about what was happening. Sirius showed up, so he knows too. Neither one of them was happy with me for what I did. I wasn’t happy with myself either, for leaving and not coming back. I told myself I just needed time to think, and maybe I did. But it should of been thinking here, at home with you.” They’d faced worse things than the possibility of being a parent. They’d gotten through the war because it was something had each other to lean on through it. “I’m scared this isn’t something I’m going to be good at. I’m scared this baby will be like me, and I don’t know how to handle that.”

[Charlotte Fudge]

She held the tiny shoes tightly in her hands as Remus touched her, his fingers gentle and sure as they rid her cheeks of the spilled tears. His apology was heartfelt and sincere, she knew, and saw the emotion leaking from him too. Remorse. He's here to make up, Charlotte, he truly is. That neither Sirius nor James had known his absence was frightening to her - Where have you been? - but made sense. If either had known, they would've marched him to their cottage door. So you went to them for help, had to know they'd send you here. That's good, at least. The blonde gave a sharp nod at his recognition that he should've done his thinking here with her, but felt some of her sharp edges sand away at his admission. Finally.

Charlotte sighed and set the shoes down, gingerly taking her husband's hands in hers as she considered how to best continue. After a few quiet moments, she spoke. "I'm scared too, of what you mean. But I want this baby to be like you." Chancing a smile, Charlotte continued, "If he's - if he's half as kind, half as thoughtful, half as driven, as I know you are in your heart, then he'll be nothing short of wonderful." She paused warily, knowing the hippogriff in the room had to be addressed. With Remus's upbringing and relationship with his father changing so drastically after the bite, she could understand his fear as well as an outsider could. But Remus was not his father. If their child was a werewolf, it wouldn't be due to misplaced revenge. And he wouldn't be alone. He'd have a father to help him through the changes, to show him that a full life was possible, even in times of doubt. "And if he's like you, in that way - he still won't have the childhood you had. We'll figure it out how to make it better for him, and he'll never doubt how that he is wanted, and that he is loved. All right?"

[Remus Lupin]

It was always hard, being so vulnerable. Remus had always been so guarded, feeling the need to keep some sort of wall up between him and others. The boys had torn most of that wall down in their first year together, but when they had approached him in their second? He’d known then he could trust them. And over the years, others had earned his trust, and he’d allowed himself moments of weakness with them. But it was different with Charlotte, it always had been. He’d found a part of himself in their quiet moments when they first started dating, a new way of being vulnerable around someone. She chipped away at parts of him he didn’t realize he’d been keeping locked away. So to be this open with her now, this honest? It wasn’t something new, but it still seemed terrifying to voice. To let himself be honest at what his fears were in all of this.

He had to smile at her words, giving her hands in hers a squeeze. She was always one to have a way word words, to soothe his fears with her thoughts. To remind him that he was, at his core, a good person. He felt tears pooling in his own eyes as she continued, reminders of his rocky young childhood at the front of his mind. He knew they had only ever meant to protect him, to keep him safe. But even still things with his father weren’t good, and that wasn’t the type of relationship he wanted to have with his own child. “Very, very loved,” he said, giving her a jerky nod. He blinked away years, bringing her hands to his face to kiss the back of them. “I love you, Charlotte. And I love this baby. Do you really think it’s going to be a boy?” he had to ask, a curious look to his face. “James was trying to convince me on some interesting baby names at the store.”

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte was heartened to see his smile, even as they spoke of such difficult things. It wasn't as if they'd never discussed the hard parts of life together, even if she had had to do some investigative work on her own to get those discussions started, so she wondered just what it had been about the announcement that had made him run. He had faced so many challenges head-on, he had survived so much...The war may be done, but it hasn't left us yet. In some ways, it might never be gone. But this is a chance for us to move forward, to start something new, together...And you did tell him at the start of a full moon. She knew all too well how trying of a time that was for Remus not only physically but also emotionally, and if she'd just held out, if she'd told him when he'd returned, could all of this have been avoided?

Her throat constricted with emotion as her husband kissed her hands and spoke, not having realized just how much she'd worried he didn't love her enough until she heard him proclaim that he did. Char nodded, a shaky laugh leaving her as, keeping him by the hand, she took her cup of tea into the kitchen. There, she set hers down and filled another for him from the kettle heated for Marlene and herself, and leaned back against the counter. "I love you too. I'm sorry that I told you in the way that I did. I was...feeling everything all at once, and I needed you. But I should have waited, I know that."

She took a drink from her cooling cup and nodded, reminding herself of his questions. "I've never thought of myself as instinctual, so I don't know what this is, but I do. I do think we're having a son, I mean. I've been gathering ideas for names, but I'd love to hear what James was thinking. Is he regretting going so traditional for Harry?" she lightly teased.