March 1980: The Weight of Living: Teagan

[Elliott Thomas]

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Teagan & Elliott's Flat

You don't deserve her.

As Elliott stole a few early morning moments for himself and a cigarette (leaning halfway out their kitchen window, squinting at the sun trying to show through the haze), the truer-than-true words needled at him for what felt like the ten-thousandth time.

He'd expressed as such to his fiancée, to the mother of his child, and depending on her mood (or how often he'd been self deprecating that day) she'd either playfully retort or give him a look that unmistakably said stop it. As for what Teagan knew of him, though, he felt that it wasn't an unfair assessment.

As for what Teagan did not know of him, he knew that it wasn't an unfair assessment.

She knew that he was neurotic. She did not know that he was a wizard. She knew that he was pessimistic. She did not know that there was a war going on. She knew that he tended towards awkwardness with those he did know and those he did not. She did not know that the life they were building together would put their lives on the line if they were found out. She knew that he did not like close spaces. She did not know that his family did not know of either the pregnancy or the engagement. She knew that getting him to open up was as lengthy a process as it would be to get him to kick this new habit...

But he knew what it was like to see the light leave her eyes.

You don't deserve her.

Only a few nights ago, Teagan and Tris had been out to celebrate the recent goings-on. Teagan had told him she was pregnant; he had found a ring and proposed; these were things to celebrate if one did not know the full extent of what one was getting into. After the attack, Teagan had known. She'd been briefed as they frantically got the girls to safety.

As they waited for the Obliviators who had to come, seeing as a muggle had been witness to magic.

She'd pleaded. Demanded. To let her keep the memories, keep her knowledge of the world she truly was in, the world he'd tried so hard to keep her safe from through her ignorance.

But then the Obliviators had come. They Apparated home, and after the enchantments were placed, the sharp anger from her eyes faded. It was as if she was waking, and she was just as disoriented as if he'd woken her in the middle of a dream. There had been a fight at the club, he'd told her. She had been caught in the middle and knocked out, fallen down, that's why she was hurting. Tris was all right, she'd called him and he'd gotten her home after she'd been checked over by the paramedics that showed up. She'd fallen asleep in the cab after the painkillers they gave her...

Lie after lie after lie, and in the aftermath of the chaos, the fear, the fury, at her being caught in the very situation he'd attempted to avoid, Elliott was surprised at how smoothly he'd been able to deliver them.

You don't deserve her.

Teagan was a much better person than he was, simple as. He loved her for her wit, her kindness, her creativity, her patience. And she, somehow, loved him back. That's part of how he knew she was a much better person than he was. He could never love someone as difficult to love as he was.

But she did.

Elliott questioned himself, and questioned himself often. Looking out the window, the sky barely brightening, the slight wind tearing through his thin shirt, he questioned himself. Was he making the right decisions? Was it better for her and for them if she continued in ignorance of the wizarding world? Or was it pure selfishness on his part to keep everything from her? The stresses and guilt of the lies (for he could no longer kid himself into thinking them as whimsical "secrets") had recently delivered to him the muggle coping mechanism between his lips. He'd never understood it, but although the taste was dismal and the habit expensive, he felt both calmer and more keen during and after a smoke.

You don't deserve her.

    ...you should tell her.

Even with the habit, Elliott felt himself creeping steadily towards the edge of a mental cliff. The more he tried to keep this from her, the further shut off he would become, and there was only so long he could blame things on new responsibilities at work. He was creeping steadily towards the edge, so much so that he could clearly hear himself spilling echoing truths from the bottom of the ravine. Truths that would hurt her, truths that could make him lose her.

You're too selfish to tell her.

The young man snuffed the end of the cigarette out in the little ashtray he'd begun keeping on the windowsill, disgusted at himself. He loved the woman sleeping in the next room over, and if she left him, he doubted there would ever be another woman who would love him back as she did. And then there was the baby.

The thought of soon becoming a father made him finger the half-empty pack on the countertop, debating...

[Teagan Edwards]

It had become normal for her to wake up to the happy nudges of their Yorkie, with a small whine that grew more excited as he realized that she was no longer asleep. She smiled as she received a tongue to the tip of her nose, and she rolled onto her back, hand reaching out to the other side of the bed for her fiance. A sudden fear gripped her chest and she bolted up, startling K9 who jumped off the bed and scurried out of the room. Elliot. The panic she felt was a new thing, a result of her night out to celebrate with Tris. A night that was nothing more than a blurry memory.

K9 padded back into the room, and she felt a sense of calm. Surely the dog would let her know if something was wrong. After all, he'd been the first to know about their little surprise. She hadn't thought much of it when he had started to snuggle her more, got a tad more protective of her. His desire to constantly lay his head on her stomach. He was just being a dog. But when the pregnancy test had come back positive, his strange behavior had made more sense. If something was a danger to her or this baby, he would let her know.

Her hand moved to her stomach, an unconscious act she caught herself doing now days. She'd finally started to show - something that was thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. It was becoming so real. Feeling the baby move, learning all the facts she could from the baby books her and Elliot had hunted down at the store. Swinging her legs over the bed, she let her feet slide into the thick slippers. Who knew being pregnant made you feel so cold?

Rubbing her arms as she left the room, she rubbed her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, following a smell that she recognized. And there he was, somewhere in thought and fiddling with a pack on the counter. He was taking the fight at the night club harder than she was, even though she was still the one feeling the sore muscles. Everything had turned out fine though, she'd just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So why can't you shake this feeling?

"Hey baby..." The words were quiet, barely above a whisper. There was something unresolved in the air that she just couldn't place. Twisting the ring on her finger, she gave him a smile as she closed the distance between them, arms wrapping around him in a hug. "How did you sleep?"

[Elliott Thomas]

What business did he of all people have in having a child? In getting married? He was a few weeks shy of turning twenty-years-old, for Merlin's sake. Thankfully his promotion to the Space Room at the close of December had granted him a bump in pay (a raised necessity for secrecy means a raise, after all), so he and Teagan could literally afford their necessities. But really only...those. Hence putting off the wedding...among many reasons. He'd never worried about finances before, coming from his family, but he couldn't very well borrow money now.

"So, Mother, you know how you wanted me to date?..."

The last year and a half had just sort of...happened. He was grateful for it, but it seemed as though the majority of his important life experiences had condensed into that timespan. He'd planned for their first date to be their only date. It was to be an experiment of sorts for him, the first trial, dipping his toe into the dating pool. But it'd gone surprisingly well. As had the ones that followed. Before he knew it, Elliott was spending nights at her flat, telling his parents he was at Oliver's and getting his brother in on the lie as well. Oliver was more than happy to oblige, and gave him some "teasing" hell for it whenever they saw each other. Because the rest of the family couldn't know he was so involved with a muggle - his workmates didn't know, obviously, and really only Liam (and by virtue, Marlene), Lauren, Kingsley, and Tris from his old life knew of the relationship...

Elliott wasn't a total fool. He knew he couldn't keep everything under wraps forever, on all sides. His parents deserved to know that there was a grandchild on the way. And Teagan would find out about magic eventually on her own even if he said nothing, since their child was more than likely to inherit that from him.

When the war's done.

It was his usual response to himself, but fair enough, right? You-Know-Who and his legions most likely wouldn't prevail over those fighting against. But it was too dangerous until then, wasn't it? His family wouldn't understand, wouldn't be supportive, not of him putting himself at risk. But he was responsible for her and their baby - he couldn't just up and leave. But whatever bits and pieces about the war he was able to pick up while at work (it wasn't as if he could bring the Prophet home), it didn't seem like a close was coming any time soon...

A scuttling of tiny nails on the tile made him turn to eye their terrier. The little thing - K9, oh how he'd laughed when she'd shown him its namesake - looked up at him indecisively; something had propelled it out to him, but it was much more tied to Teagan. Hardly ever apart from her when they were both at home, nowadays. Satisfied, evidently, it scampered back towards their bedroom. Elliott looked back to the window, stretching his anxiety-tight shoulders, drawn to the pack of cigarettes again as he wondered if he had time for another before Teagan got up.

At her shuffling feet - Is it cold enough for slippers? - he gave the window a tug to close it, and turned to smile back at his little fresh-from-sleep woman. His arms folded around her as he tried to put his thoughts away, the top of her head as always at the perfect height for him to pop a kiss onto, as she spoke. "There was a lot of counting," he admitted, his tendency of counting by appointed intervals to calm his mind nothing new to her. Since the attack he'd not had a full night's sleep, waking at the littlest disturbance. A car alarm from the street, an unintended scratch from K9, a fresh wind blowing back the curtain enough for the streetlight to hit him - it was exhausting. As was the ever-heavier guilt he was carrying. "You?"

After hearing of her night, Elliott headed to the refrigerator. He wanted to do more around the flat to help, but never wanted to make it too obvious that so much of what was ordinary in the life of a muggle was foreign to him. Thankfully, the times he'd been caught staring at a utensil and not knowing what the hell it was for (why were there so many particular knives?), he'd been able to blame his "upbringing" and not feel wholly trapped in a lie. She knew his family was affluent, so it wasn't a big stretch to say he hadn't much kitchen experience in his youth. But he had learned how to make eggs and toast decently well, so as Teagan readied their drinks and some fruit, he got going with the rest. "Is there anything in particular you wanted to do today?" he asked from his place at the stove. While he was always game for a Sunday in pajamas around the flat, engaging in some healthily competitive board game and classic flicks he should be familiar with on in the background, if she wanted to go and do something then he'd oblige. "If I remember correctly, Around the World in 80 Days is on later."

[Teagan Edwards]

They had been together long enough for her to know that something was on his mind. There was an air of mystery about him, there always had been. It was what had drawn her to him in the first place, but on some days it simply seemed like whatever secret he was keeping was eating him alive. She wasn’t going to ask, regardless of how much she just wished he would say. But he worked for the their country, and was obviously bound to have some secrets that he couldn’t share. She’d decided long ago that whatever was on his mind in those moments he wasn’t all there, was something he kept from her for very good reasons. He was an incredibly good man, and she trusted him with her life. And their child’s life, a precious little gift that they were going to receive in only a few short months.

”I’ve slept better, whatever happened the other night that I can’t remember is driving me mad,” she answered as she rested against him, one hand subconsciously moving to her stomach. And this little one wasn’t helping… He moved to the fridge, and she followed slowly, K9 dancing around her feet in hopes that he would get a scrap of anything that might make it to the floor. Elliot had gotten good at breakfast – poor bloke hadn’t gotten a chance to learn growing up – and she busied herself with getting glasses for juice and bowls for their fruit.

Besides, it wasn’t as if he was the only one keeping secrets. Working at a doctor’s office had it’s perks, and while it was generally considered too early to be sure, her boss was pretty positive on the gender of their child. She really had meant to tell Elliot, but everything had gotten so hectic and she wasn’t exactly sure how to bring it up. She stared at the blueberries as she washed them, trying to wrap her head around everything that was going on in their life. “Hmm? Oh, well I thought it might be good to get out of the house, give ourselves a break from everything. Could go get baby clothes for him or something.” Yes, baby shopping would be a good way to distract herself from her aching muscles and fuzzy memory.

[Elliott Thomas]

Whatever happened the other night that you can’t remember is something I’m not able to forget, Elliott thought sullenly, sighing at her words. Through the unending pleas of both Teagan and Tris to let her keep the memories of that night, of magic in general, he’d…denied her that. Watching the blazing heat of argument leave her eyes just as quickly as the Obliviators disapparated, watching them go back to the comforting warm embers of trusting him implicitly - he couldn’t rid himself of any memories of that night.

"I know," he said quietly, rubbing her back. "But maybe it’s your mind protecting you, our brains do have ways of shielding us from traumatizing experiences. Try and not worry about it, though I know that’s much easier said than done."

They quietly got to their breakfasting tasks, working around K9’s unbridled excitement at the possibility of nabbing a bite, and he was carefully watching the scrambled eggs in the pan when Teagan gave another suggestion for their day, causing him to drop the spatula in shock. It was an unexpected suggestion. Involving what may have been a slip of the tongue. Or a generalization, it wasn’t uncommon for people to default to using the masculine for an unknown someone or even for something inanimate. Or…

Baby clothes for him.

The growing-familiar feeling of a mix of panic, nausea, and happiness that came upon mention of their baby hit him hard. He felt his throat was going to simultaneously dry out and swell up, and coughed to try and clear both sensations as he bent to pick up the spatula from the floor. K9 leapt into action, nibbling up the bits of egg, and on automatic he absently rinsed off the spatula.

"Baby clothes. For him. That’s - t-t-that’s something to do, yes. Are - are we - " Elliott swallowed, trying to fight off the feeling of being overcome. It wasn’t productive to helping him speak, and if it wasn’t a slip… He set the spatula back down and went over to her, nerves coloring his words. "Are we having a boy?" He wasn't sure why that made him smile, but...we're going to have a son?

[Teagan Edwards]

She knew he was right, her father had said the same thing when she called to talk to him about the whole thing. The mind had a way of protecting itself, keeping traumas hidden to spare the fragile human psyche from harm. Her father had also suggested that she go and talk to someone about it, but she didn’t know how to explain that she wasn’t going to go and see one of his former college friends. She was sure the man was an excellent therapist, but she had neglected to tell her parents of pregnancy. They knew about Elliot, knew she was seeing someone. But she hadn’t exactly known how to tell them she wa getting married and having a child. She knew they would be happy in a way - but they had wanted her to go to University. Starting a family so young was certainly going to delay that.

She turned her head as the spatula hit the floor, before moving out of the way to let Elliot rinse it in the sink. Blueberries in their bowls, his words caught her off guard, and she grinned sheepishly as he came to her to confirm that she had indeed let it slip without realizing. “I mean we can’t be sure just yet, not until the next ultrasound but my boss wanted to see if he could figure it out early. I was going to tell you once I knew for sure.” She wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest as she hugged him. She knew in her heart it was right, she had suspected it ever since she had realized she was pregnant. “But we can be back in time for Around the World in 80 Days if you are wanting to watch it.”

[Elliott Thomas]

We're having a son.

Why this knowledge was more jarring - in a good way - than knowing that they were having a child, Elliott couldn't say, but it was. He nodded at her words, letting out a breath as Teagan wrapped her arms around him. He enveloped her in his, still rather stunned, and chuckled at her next. "All right, it's a plan then. Baby clothes and a movie, proper Sunday." What're you going to say when he gets his Hogwarts letter? The thought slammed into Elliott's mind, almost blocking him from registering that the eggs he was managing were starting to burn in the pan he'd neglected. With another squeeze to her, Elliott let go and grabbed a clean spatula to finish them up, unable to shake that thought. He'll show signs way earlier than that. And who knows when the war'll be done? It may never be a "safe" time for her to know...If you'd listened to Beatrice and just left that night, wouldn't need to tell her yourself...

A new resolve to him after he plated the eggs, Elliott turned and set breakfast at the table, nervous but determined to have this out. Better this than to keep agonizing, wasn't it? He sat, salt and peppered his eggs, but couldn't bring himself to start eating when his mouth was already full of things to say. "Teagan, I...there's something I've been struggling with telling you. It's - it's about the other night, and - and a bit more."

[Teagan Edwards]

She knew that no matter what, she would love this baby for the rest of her life. It was something she was sure of, just as sure as she was that Elliot was the person for her. Even with the secrets surrounding him, Teagan trusted him so completely. And as he agreed to their plans, she couldn’t help but smile at him as he went back to finish the eggs. Everything about their life together was unexpected, to say the least. But it was still so perfect, to have found someone she loved so deeply.

Setting the table as Elliot finished in the kitchen, Teagan shooed K9 out of his spot in her chair with a laugh. Perhaps later she would call her parents, let them know that she was doing okay after the other night. Or tell them about Elliot and the baby? Her own secrets that she was keeping from them were difficult, but she wasn’t entirely sure how to bring it up. There was so little about Elliot that she could tell her parents, and it had always just seemed easier to avoid the subject. She sunk into the chair, mind moving quickly as she tried to stop feeling guilty for keeping things from them.

Pulled from her thoughts by Elliot, she raised an eyebrow in concern. She had a feeling that the fight at the club had more details than she could remember, but what more could he have been struggling to tell her? “Is everything alright? Did something happen at work?”

[Elliott Thomas]

"Is everything alright?"

    No. No, nothing is how it should be, not really.

You can rationalize it as much as you want, Elliott. But how did you let yourself get so deep in this lie?

It was difficult to look her in the eye. He didn't want to see the pain that would certainly cloud their green, the accusations that would rightly light them on fire. But he'd begun the admission, and there was no way to back out of it now. "The real reason why you're having trouble remembering what happened at the club is - is because your memory of the night was modified." The words left him in a rush and he took Teagan's hand, trying to make the next come out a bit more gently. You're dropping a bomb. Not in its nature to land gently. The eggs would cool, he knew, but...You'll be able to use a warming charm on them. In front of her. "You saw things you weren't supposed to see. There are wizards whose job it is to...amend witnessed events." With a bit of an awkward chuckle, he continued, "Er - and yeah, there are wizards, just - in general. Witches too. Who can do actual magic."

And I'm one of them.

    And I'm one of them.

And I'm one of them.

"And I'm one of them." The truth was out at long last, and Elliott didn't feel any better for it. What were the odds that she'd forgive him? Stay? Let him be part of their son's life? She will. Maybe not today, but... Now that the floodgates of sorts were opened, the words came easier, his tone growing impassioned at the freedom. He knew they'd need to comb through this more thoroughly, that what he said now may go in one ear and out the other as she processed him being a wizard, but he couldn't stop it. "I was keeping this from you to protect you, and us. Our being together, with the way the wizarding community is at present - if the wrong people get into power, we'd be breaking every law in their book. But - but you not knowing, it didn't keep you safe. I was wrong. You and Tris, you were just out trying to have a good night. They didn't care if you were connected to me, they just - they just cared that you don't have magic."

[Teagan Edwards]

Her memories had been modified? That seemed ludicrous, there wasn’t that type of technology in the world - at least as far as she knew. All thoughts of breakfast were gone as she squeezed his hand, hoping that her uneasiness about what he was saying wasn’t showing. But her interest in this conversation sparked when the word wizard came out of Elliot's mouth, and she raised her eyebrows as she looked at him. What could she possibly have witnessed, and what nonsense was her husband-to-be spouting about witches and wizards? Perhaps she wasn’t the only one suffering with memory issues, because what he was saying couldn’t possibly be true. There weren’t people in the world that could do magic. It had to be some kind of joke that she wasn’t understanding.

But, Elliot kept talking. And Teagan felt more confused than ever, because he was claiming to be a wizard? That didn’t seem possible, there was no way he could have kept this from her. If she’d had any doubts about him, they certainly wouldn’t be getting married. A secret life was a very big deal, even if it was meant to protect her. She pulled her hand from his after giving it another squeeze, taking a moment of silence to rub her temples. “I don’t…” What was she even supposed to say after all of that? It was a lot of information - somewhat unbelievable information - and she didn’t know where to begin. But she needed to say something, needed to acknowledge this “truth” bomb that was just dropped on her. “You let them erase my memories?” She hadn’t planned for that to be her first thought, but the question slipped out before she’d given it much thought. “I don’t know what to say to all of this Elliot. I mean, witches and wizards? We’re breaking laws by being together? You sound like a mad man.”