Feb. 19: Brother, I'm Right Here: Rufus

[Charlotte Fudge]

The common room was emptying out as the late hour dragged on, but Charlotte Fudge was determinedly at her workstation by the dark and snowy window, not anticipating leaving for bed anytime soon. Keeping up with Rufus' O.W.L. coursework on top of her own was no simple feat, and it wasn't as if she had a timeturner to help her manage the load. She'd tried not to mind the extra duties in recent weeks, given Rufus and Dorcas' break-up; it had been obvious to her that he'd had feelings for their housemate for years, and to finally have things go his way for a time only to be left so suddenly...how could Charlotte not be patient with him?

Her friends had advised otherwise, but here she was regardless, slipping a foot-and-a-half essay into her secondary school bag (she couldn't very well keep "his" work with her own, after all) and looking to her list to see what task to tackle next.

Staying busy with the work, although tiring - she'd nearly asked Daisy, every morning, for help with make-up to hide the dark circles under her eyes, only to be too embarrassed to follow-through - was at least a distraction from the other worries she had for her brother. Gryffindor Tower was not exactly a place where secrets were kept easily. Rufus' gambling was getting worse, if the rumors were to be trusted. Between him taking time for that and throwing himself into Quidditch with extra verve, she'd not seen him long enough to confirm what she was hearing, but...

Can you honestly think they're only rumors? You know how he can get.

She loved her brother, she did, but the boy was incredibly more impulsive and compulsive than she was. His main loves - Vices, more accurately. - were not things she understood. But surely there were more productive - and less destructive - means for him to process the separation from Dorcas...

[Deleted]

Ruff was back from yet another exhausting but unfulfilling quidditch practice. It was quickly becoming an uncontrollable habit really, the late nights of flying and beating anything that remotely resembled a bludger into oblivion or betting and drinking himself blind. He’d like to say he was someone who was better than this, better than this pathetic and self-destructive git, but he couldn’t…he just wasn’t strong enough to stay…lucid after all that’s happened lately.

It was nothing really, just a school yard romance that had ended, and that should have been that. You know it’s so much more than that. He’d lost count of how many times he’d spent brooding and drunk in the dead of the night, not wanting to wake up and face the fact that he’d basically just lost his best friend and the girl he’d always loved all in one go. Just f*cking great. But of course, being the prideful Gryffindor that he was, he’d never let Doe see what a wreck she’d made him. No, she’d broken his heart, he’d be damned if he let her break his pride too.

Quidditch practice by himself had started to continue well into the night, before he’d hit up his gambling buddies and place another bet or just drink himself into a stupor, then he’d wake up the next day and do everything all over again. It really was a no brainer.

But tonight? He was lucid and actually coming back to Gryffindor Tower at a decent time because he needed to see his sister about his homework. His foot-and-a-half Draught of the Living Dead essay was due tomorrow, and he’d wanted to get it from his sister without having to wake her up in the middle of the night.

As his gaze fell on the lonely figure by the window, sitting and scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment in the dark, something heavy seemed to have slammed head-first into his chest. f*ck. There was Charlotte, his baby sister…someone who’d always been there for him, someone who’d never given up on him…staying up way past her bedtime, working on his essay late into the night.

If Ruff had been feeling horrible before, he now felt lower than dirt…

How many times has she been staying up all night? And how many were because of him? How had he never noticed?

Probably a million questions were running through the lion’s head, but the loudest of all was: Did I do that to her? Misty blue eyes fell to the floor, unable to face his sister with the shame flooding his broken heart. He could be angry and maybe even blame Doe for hurting and breaking his heart, but there was no excuse in the world for what he’d likely put Charlotte through, and it was only now, when he was so obviously dangerously near rock-bottom, did he realize his grave mistake.

He had taken her for granted and had just assumed that she would be ok with taking care of him, helping him,…being there for him, when in fact, he should have been the one there to protect her, hold her, comfort her…he was the big brother, not the other way around. He was a sorry excuse for a brother. He had realized that too late.

“Can we talk?” Ruff purposefully made some noise when he pulled out the chair beside her, not wanting to startle her with the sudden movement. “…I’m sorry.” his dark blue eyes staring down at his fingers, unable to meet those of his sister. Some Gryffindor that he was. Godric would no doubt be rolling in his grave if he’d known what a screw up Ruff was.

It was time to stop running.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte had just settled on making headway on a History project of her own (she didn't need all of her wits about her for it, seeing as it was a subject she loved and knew well) when she was startled by someone taking the chair next to hers. Rufus, world-weary, slumped into it. But instead of asking for the essay, her brother was...asking to talk. We don't talk. Not anymore. But the fourth year nodded slightly, back straight, clasping her hands in her lap as her mind fled through various scenarios. Had she forgotten to take care of something for him? I don't think so. Had they been found out? Professor McGonagall would be furious. Did he need money? You know I won't encourage your gambling...

What ended up coming out of his mouth was an utter surprise. The lion was cowering in the face of...her.

"Rufus..." Charlotte sighed uncomfortably, not knowing what to do. The apology was long needed, to be sure, but she'd become accustomed to their equilibrium. This was...disrupting it. Theirs was not an open family, emotionally. Problems were swallowed, not spoken of. And so, her brother coming to her like this was unprecedented. Don't let him down. "Rufus," she whispered, biting her cheek as she tried to see his face. We were both put in this House for a reason. Show it, Charlotte. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

[Deleted]

The lion flinched at the sound of his given name being uttered from his sister’s lips. She had used his full name…a name he had never really liked to begin with if he was honest with himself. How much had he screwed up without knowing? How much more will he find out later on? And how would he clean up this mess with his sister? So many questions and yet so few of them had answers for the lost teen.

What the f*ck was he going to do? And how the f*ck was he going to make it up to Lottie?

Suddenly the distance between them seemed more like the freakin Nile instead of the closeness he had come to expect from his little sister; though only now did he realize the times when they were inseparable were gone, and what’s left between them now was an unbearable awkward silence that made him want to scream in anguish and frustration at his stupidity.

How had he managed to f*ck this up too? Clearly there’s something wrong with him if he’s already fucked up two of the most important relationships in his life, all in one go.

“…” he had wanted to say something smart, something that had a semblance of meaning…but nothing came to him. There were no words that could describe what he’d done to himself as he basically just gave in to his vices and sunk to the bottom. “I…” finding the guilt bitter to swallow as he struggled to say something.

The fudges weren’t big on feelings or talking, which was the understatement of the year, but Charlotte was still sitting there, waiting for him instead of running for the hills. He needed to prove to her that he appreciated her and was willing to try for her. “I guess…I’ve just…been pinning all my hopes and…everything on her for so long….I feel…lost…now.”

Ruff had never felt as naked as he did in that moment, when the feelings he barely understood himself were laid bare before his sister, someone who genuinely cared about him and was still there despite his despicable behavior.

Rufus had always been…intense. While he had never felt much love or attention from their family besides Charlotte, he had always been willing to give everything he had to the rare few people that mattered to him, even going so far as to say that he’d die for them in a heartbeat. But in his quest to find love and affection, perhaps he had lost himself along the way and hurt the people that truly cared about him with his thirst for more.

Perhaps it was time for him to grow up and focus on the things he did have, rather than those he’d never obtain.

“Will you…let me make it up to you?” not daring to look at his sister, for fear of her reaction and disgust of having to deal with his sh*t all the time. He needed to do better. “Promise to be better…if you’ll let me be your big brother again.” his voice cracking halfway through as he stared at his lap, his fingers fidgeting restlessly with a piece of candy wrapper that he’d likely forget to throw away earlier.

Merlin please tell me I haven't lost her too.

[Charlotte Fudge]

The girl looked on, feeling helpless, as her brother struggled for words. This had never been them. When they were children at home, he’d come to her room after she’d readied for bed, and they would share about their days, and one would read aloud while the other listened, until Mother took him away because it got late. They’d swapped letters during their year apart, keeping the tradition alive. It was good to know you had someone who cared about how you’d spent your day, what you’d learned, who you were with, what you’d read or observed that you thought was noteworthy. Once they’d both been accepted into Gryffindor, she’d hoped that they could pick up with their nightly check-in’s - but boys weren’t allowed up into her dormitory, even for purely innocent purposes. She recalled wondering how the staircase wasn’t clever enough to pick up on intention, but hadn’t had the courage to bring the idea up with their Head of House, then or now...

Granted...you’ve never had anything real to share with each other before, no matter how much you used to talk.

He hadn’t had to schedule a heart-to-heart with her for her to know his feelings for Dorcas were growing. They hadn’t had to have a sit-down for her to know how happy he was that the pair had finally become an item. She didn’t need to have a one-on-one for her to know how devastated he was at this split. But as her brother spoke, this, this opening up, this showing of his heart...was new.

Charlotte gave a silent nod, eyes still on him as he expressed his feeling of loss. He’d been such a steady figure in her early life that, while she’d seen him going wayward recently, hearing this from Rufus was shaking the floor under her feet. Her heart went out to him as he gathered his thoughts, his words, and went on. "I will, of course I will. But you need to promise me you'll stop running yourself into the ground," she said steadily, still processing the outpouring of emotion from him. "I know you wanted it to work between you two, I did too, but...Ruff, you’re you whether you’re with her or not. And who you are is a better person than who you've been lately. Distractions don’t actually solve anything, heal anything - you know that." She sighed and scooted her chair towards him, reaching for his hand. Was that too harsh?

[Deleted]

An enormous weight had just been lifted off his chest, enabling him to breath properly for probably the first time since the ugly breakup of Doe and him a month ago. The wound was still raw and fresh, though he had done his best to numb himself, lest he start bleeding all over again, and where would that leave him? Nowhere, since Doe had basically closed herself off to him, having decided to cut him loose before he left her eventually…or whatever nonsense her brain came up with. He had said that he would wait for her, that he would be there for her like he always had, but apparently, she only wanted him as a friend now, and she refused to even give him a chance to prove her wrong. He couldn’t really understand the pain she must have been going through, but he was willing to share her burden and give her space to cope with it on her own.

That didn’t mean he had to like it though.

“I…” the sudden urge to cry was overwhelming as his sister forgave him without hesitation. Merlin he was a weeping mess these days. He supposed he’d start bawling at this rate if Charlotte dared him to read a romance novel, though that likely wouldn’t happen. His sister wouldn’t do that to him. “I will. I promise.” and he meant it, because he was sick of feeling this way and he was adamant on proving to his sister that he could be better, that he was worthy of being her big brother once more.

He appreciated his sister’s straight-forwardness, as she knew by now that a bitter pill was better when swallowed in one go in his case, no sugar coating or beating around the bushes needed. It was hard…Merlin it was hard…but her words rang true and the teen found himself nodding in acceptance. This…this thing where she told him off and told him to get his head of his arse, was familiar, and somehow the world seemed to be back on its track, rather than the off-kilter stage he had been in since his downward spiral.

“I’ve missed you.” a small smile curling up his lips at her harsh but much-needed speech. What world would he be in if his sister wasn’t the logical and mature one between them? “Thank you…Lottie.” squeezing her hand back gently as he tried out his nickname for her, not sure if she’d be ok with him calling her that now.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Not too harsh, then, Charlotte thought in relief as Rufus gave her his word, as he smiled, accepting her terms. She gave him a small smile back at his use of his childhood nickname for her, squeezing his hand back. "I've missed you too," she admitted, truly hoping she'd gotten her brother back. Perhaps they could get back onto the track they'd shared during her first year, when they'd spent regular time together. They were good for each other, Charlotte knew - he needed her to pull him back to reality, while she needed his enthusiasm and imagination to bring her out of what could otherwise be monotonous days. But was it realistic for her to expect her brother to stop using his "distractions" cold turkey?...

Perhaps if it'd been earlier in the day, or even earlier in the evening, she would've suggested they go down to the kitchens. Surely this all would be more easily digested over a warm cup of tea. But the girl was too tired to imagine taking the trek all the way to and from the kitchens before retiring. "What does your day look like tomorrow?" Charlotte asked. Let's reduce your downtime. "We can find something nice to do, I'm sure."

[Deleted]

Ruff let out a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding when his sister smiled back at him, returning his squeeze with one of her own. Maybe there was hope for him yet? Surely there was a higher power somewhere, because he had the most amazing baby sister on earth! He had honestly thought it’d be much harder for him to earn her forgiveness and acceptance, though he should have known that his kind-hearted sister wouldn’t have turned him away, even if he likely deserved everything she tossed at him at this point. He was ever so grateful for his only family…well the only family that mattered to him anyway.

He would do better this time round.

Tomorrow would be a Friday, and that meant that Ruff had quidditch team practice in the morning with no classes in the afternoon. He’d likely had buried himself in practice tomorrow, taking out whatever frustration he had on the poor bludgers before he was wiped for the day and proceeded to join in on the drinking and gambling with his fellow gamblers. Well that was before he got his head out of his ass today, so any plans of losing himself in alcohol and gambling were scrubbed. Of course, he still felt the uncontrollable urge to retreat back into blissful numbness, but he had made a promise to his baby sister, he’d keep his word, even if every rebel and wounded cell in his body screamed for him to knock back a few glasses of firewhiskey to silence the pain of losing his best friend/love.

No, he had to do better than that.
It was time to grow up.

Even if growing up hurt like hell.

"I'm free after quidditch practice in the morning." leaning back in his chair to try and think of something to do. "What does your day look like then? And we can do whatever you want." The lion tried to smile cheerfully at his sister, though he was a bit lost and uncertain how to act around her anymore. He had been an ass and a jerk for so long, he...just didn't know how to act around her now to show her that he was sorry but still let her know that he wanted to be close with her again...if she wanted them to be anyway. 

f*ck! They sucked at this touchy feely sh*t...

[Charlotte Fudge]

Had the pair of Fudges truly not spoken intimately in so long that this present awkwardness was now their unwanted third? Charlotte thought that she couldn't be the only one of them feeling it, the discomfort that had them giving uncertain half smiles and obvious attempts at cheer. But they were Gryffindors at heart, even though she sometimes still felt sorely out of place in this House; certainly they could power through, soldier on, as their like-hearted fellows did. And so she gave Ruff a smile back, hoping that on a day not too far away, such an act would be purely natural again.

Decisions for what they would do, though, was generally something she wasn't in charge of. It was nice of her brother to extend this into his olive branch, and she didn't want to let him down. "All right," she said carefully, trying to think quickly. But the lateness of the hour paired with mental tire from writing his essay was doing the girl no favors. "I've got a study block after lunch, but I've got some items to take care of then...How about we meet back here after dinner for a puzzle? I think there are ways we can make even that competitive," Char teased, an honest smile eeking out. Because with Quidditch and gambling, was the thrill of competition part of his sway towards the destructive ends of these activities? While she could hardly be an even competitor on the pitch - although he'd done what he could to make her one - or at a cards table, the fourth year had a knack for puzzling. And while it was surely not the most exciting or thrilling way to spend an evening...she did hope Rufus would take her up on it. "So long as you're here, I've got this for you," she continued, leaning down to pull the proper essay out of her secondary schoolbag. "Do read it before you turn it in, there's nothing simple about this potion," she instructed. It wasn't as if she could be there to take the practical for him, which certainly must be coming up; he needed to know the in's and out's of the complex potion before then, and if she'd done her job right - by the end of the essay, he'd know exactly what to do, and why.

[Deleted]

Ruff hated uncomfortable situations. And the fact that said uncomfortable situation was between him and Lottie had only made it even harder to stomach, as every second of the awkward silence between them felt like a punch to his gut, reminding him non-too-gently of his mistake. He would never let her down again…

Being a guy of action rather than words, the Gryffindor beater did the bravest thing he could in that moment - or the dumbest, depends on which way you looked at it really – and reached out with a long finger to poke his sister’s cheek, teasing her and reminiscing of better times, when everything was much simpler between the two siblings. How had things gotten so complicated over the years? He hoped his little nudge could elicit a response from his sister, who looked just as lost as he did in that moment as they both struggled to find a new balance in their relationship. Would she laugh? Would she be annoyed? Ruff really couldn’t say now, though he figured anything was better than this quiet awkwardness between them. They needed to break the ice and fast, because Ruff was going out of his mind sitting here, trying to figure out how to move on.

Yeah, no one ever said he was patient.

“Sounds good!” he tried hard to sound as enthusiastic about his sister’s suggestion as he could possibly be, not wanting her to think he was uninterested in the slightest. Ruff would forever be drawn to the more physical activities, but with Lottie? He could make an effort to sit down and enjoy something that had nothing to do with hitting people, as long as it made his sister happy. He’d do it.

He didn’t know what to think about the hand-written essay, charmed to be in his hand-writing, held within his hands as he read over the first few lines. He had been so absorbed in his own life that he’d misused and mistreated his sister all this time, yet somehow, Lottie had still forgiven him without a second thought for being a total jerk and ass to her.

He needed to do better.

“…you shouldn’t have to do my homework for me…not anymore.” swallowing the lump in his throat as he finally realized the effort and time she must of put in for him. She had never said anything…“…but…will you teach me when you have time?...I…” There was a lot that he needed to catch up on…but at least he was starting somewhere. It was time to grow up. “I’m gonna do my own work now…” as I should have done all this time.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte let out a startled laugh as her brother poked her in the cheek, the sound of it strange to her ears in the otherwise quiet of the common room. That, coupled with his overenthusiastic agreement to her plan, kept the fourth year smiling. She could tell that Ruff wasn't entirely keen on it, but at least he was willing to try. For you. Hopefully soon he'd see that he truly did deserve more than the cheap - or not so cheap - thrills begotten lately, for himself. And so she was still a bit cheerful, albeit tired, upon handing over the latest essay written on her brother's behalf. The drop to his put-upon features wasn't missed by her, though, and Charlotte listened carefully as he struggled for words. She swallowed uncomfortably as Rufus went on, nodding tightly in silent agreement as she was too touched by his wanting to amend things to speak. Char turned from him to sweep the rest of her schoolwork away into her bag, much too worn out now to consider soldiering on. 

She soon stood and shouldered her bag, agitated fingers picking invisible lint off of her sweater as she found herself the next sibling at odds with words. "I'm proud of you for wanting to change," she said with another firm nod. "I'll teach you what I can, starting tomorrow. Time to get some sleep, hmm?" The girl gave a small smile and turned to go, making it a few steps towards the girls dormitory stairs before the wrongness of leaving without saying more held her back. She let out a huff of a breath and turned back, impulsively wrapping Ruff in a tight hug. They weren't oft the most touchy sorts, Fudges; but in the moment it felt like she had her brother back, and she would've gone through the awkwardness all over again to have a chance at this. Char pulled back after feeling his arms start to loosen, sleepy smile more natural, relaxed, as she stepped away. "Night, Ruff."

[Deleted]

Ok, she laughed, there’s hope for me yet!

The lion thought silently as his sister’s laugh broke the heavy and awkward silence of the room, making him breathe and sag in his seat in relief. Thank Merlin he hadn’t managed to screw this whole thing up even further. Their sibling relationship didn’t seem like it could take another bludger to the nuts from the looks of things. Charlotte had been gracious enough to accept his apology without a second’s hesitation, but Ruff – despite what others may think – wasn’t dumb enough to stomp on the ice and see if it’d actually break. He had common sense, thank you very much!

Despite his rotten luck at love, at least he had Charlotte…and perhaps family meant more than whatever failed romance he had with his childhood friend. Charlotte had never let him down…he couldn’t let her down anymore either.

Ruff simply nodded at his sister’s words, not really knowing what to say at this point, seeing as all had already been said at this point…though there was just something off here…cause surely the tension was still there, and the awkwardness still lingered somehow, despite their best efforts. He had not expected his brilliant sister to turn back around, and he certainly had not imagined that she would do something like hug him.

Um…thanks, sis.

“Night, Lottie.” pulling back from their lengthy embrace, but feeling decidedly better about everything that had happened this evening. Goes to show you that Rufus Fudge really did have a knack for fudging through everything and somehow everything seemed to work out in the end.

Thank Merlin.