April 1: Oh, I'm A Mess: Prefects' Lounge: Lily

[James Potter]

▶︎ mia's letter, hidden

"Lily?" James burst into the prefects' lounge rather loudly after his frantic sprint down from Gryffindor Tower, hopeful he'd find his girlfriend there preparing for the monthly meeting. She was - er - endearingly particular about the placement of chairs, bless her, liked getting a feel for the room in quiet before each session. He'd been doing his share of last-minute details up in the dorm - while he loved working with Lily, he was notably more efficient at checking things off when he was alone, and a lot of the day had been spent in prankster pursuits - when Padfoot had come in with a letter from Mum. A letter that was threatening to throw him into a tailspin if he didn't get a handle on himself; chest heaving from the run, from containing a sob, he carefully navigated through the meticulously arranged seats until he could wrap his arms around her. His mind raced faster than his feet had brought him to her, and he shut his eyes, leaning his head to her shoulder as he tried to keep his head.

He'd bunched the letter into the back pocket of his jeans in his haste, and although he'd read it again after Sirius left the dorm after James' only-just-begun venting about the situation, he still couldn't make full sense of it. Because it didn't make any sense. She's let it go on to Stage Three before clueing us in? I'm no Healer, but I know enough to know there's literally no return from Three. And Dad's known all along? The Head Boy felt deceived by his parents, and also a fool (how hadn't he noticed that her ills were so severe?), and gutted at the finality with which his mother had written. For it was plain as day that she was only telling them now because...because she thought she wouldn't be getting better. Only worse. And didn't want him and his brother to find out when it was too late to hear it from her.

But she's only been seen at Mungo's. What about another hospital? There has to be something we can do, it's not like she's just - it's not like she can give up - she can't -

"Mum - my mum wrote, and - Lily, it's not a joke, I promise, and I - I don't know how to - "

James wanted to punch the wall. To fly home and demand that they talk this out in person, as a family. To ask their headmaster to write to everyone within his far reaches in search of a cure. 

Because Euphemia Potter couldn't just...

You can't even think it, can you?

He settled for tearing the letter out of his pocket and jerkily handing it to Lily. Not wanting to see the knowledge dawn on her, he paced the free space of the room, heels of his hands back and forth from pockets to tearful eyes. The prefects would join them soon, and Merlin save them if they arrived early as some were wont to. I can't do this. I can't be here. I can't. She can't write us and think that's okay, enough, she should've told us as soon as she knew...

[Lily Potter]

Jumping nearly clean out of her skin, Lily spun around with clear annoyance, glaring at James as he came barreling into the prefect's lounge. "James, I don't think the owls heard you, dear, say my name a little louder." She quipped, weaving her way through her perfectly lined rows of chairs. She dropped her clipboard on her desk as she approached him, her annoyance quickly turning into worry as she observed James Potter more closely. "James?" She asked, her voice much gentler now.

She and James had been dating for a few months now and she felt she knew him pretty well, and this was not him. He seemed distraught. Her James was always laughing in the face of whatever the world threw at him, pushing past it all with confidence and a good heart. Now, he was tripping over his words and speaking of his mum and Lily's heart skipped a beat. Mia. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good; her boyfriend's behavior insured that whatever it was, it was 'no joke', but his words alarmed her further anyway. She worried at the cuff of her sleeve, momentarily unsure of what to do.

"James." She said again, feeling stupid for being unable to say anything else but without knowing what was going on what was she to say? Worry filled her but she need not worry unnecessarily for too long, soon her boyfriend was shoving a piece of paper at her and the Head Girl took it with shaky hands and straightened it out on a desk with careful fingers. She glanced at James once, her heart giving an awful lurch at the unknown, and then began to read.

When she was finished with the letter and had read it for a second time, the redhead closed her eyes for a long moment. Lily felt a bout of tears threatening and there was little she could do for it. Soon they spilled over, running down her face in despairing rivets. Dragonpox. Her mind said, over and over again until it barely sounded like a word, much less an incurable disease. Incurable.

James.

Turning, she went to her counterpart, her partner and halted his pacing by slipping her arms around his neck and tucking her face into the space under his chin. She could practically feel the tension coming from James and to abate it she held on tighter. "I'm so sorry, James. I'm here for you and I love you and I am so sorry." She found herself saying, her voice thick with tears and emotions. She wasn't terribly close with James family yet but she loved them all the same because he loved them so much. Now she may never get the chance to know Mia Potter better and that knowledge stung painfully. Though it seemed a cruel question, Lily had to ask. "Is there nothing that can be done?"

[James Potter]

It was hardly even two weeks ago that he and Sirius had been approached by Voldemort and told him off. Only two weeks ago that he'd heard the name of the woman he was in love with come out of that snake's fanged mouth in a threat. Two weeks ago that he'd known, without the shadow of a doubt, that he was going to fight in this war as soon as he was able.

And that nothing would separate him and Lily.

James had been scared that day, naturally. That he and Sirius had caught Voldemort's attention, being face-to-face with someone of such great capacity for evil. Wondering if they'd have to fight their way out, and if they'd be able to if it came to that. He'd gone to the Evans' after, needing to see for himself that they were safe, needing to check the wards, redo them to settle his stomach. He'd been scared then, furious, that Voldemort would be so desperate, cruel, to try and use James' heart against him. Worse, with how things were left...he felt it wouldn't be the first time.

And against Voldemort - James could fight. He could fight for Lily and her family, for anyone who was at risk under the threat of Voldemort's possible regime. He could use his privilege, his voice, his wand, and act. The guttural fear he'd felt that day had a purpose.

But today? What could he do with this new fear? Even if he learned all that he could about Dragon Pox, no one - not hobbyists, not professionals, and certainly not in-progress students without Healing backgrounds - had determined a cure for the stage his mum was in. It hadn't yet been proven possible. And while it really wasn't terribly long ago that he'd bragged of his fondness of tackling impossible tasks...She writes like there's no fixing this. And what if she's right? How much time does she have left? He'd never thought much of his parents' mortality. Or his own, really, not until he'd felt faced with it upon meeting his true enemy. But to think that Mum's days were numbered, that she was beyond help...It's not right. This isn't fair, she's always been healthy, there's so much more for her... And, selfishly, James couldn't help but think about how different his life would become when the inevitable happened. How could he be in a world that didn't include his mother? She was one of the most important constants in his life, and without her guidance...I'm not ready for life without you.

The Head Boy was rather in a daze, mind warped with such thoughts, before and after he gave his girlfriend the letter. Before and after seeing her look turn from deserved annoyance to concern to pity. Before and after he'd begun to wear the stones smoother, until Lily stopped him in his tracks. His arms folded her into him, not that she needed any help in getting close, and the strength of her embrace grounded him. He nodded to her words, swallowing against a new rush of emotions at seeing the pain he'd caused her by throwing his own at her, but at Lily's last...You have to be real about this, Potter.

"I...I don't think so," he forced himself to say. He wanted to hope, to push forwards, but when Mum wrote how she did - how could he? This starkly unfamiliar pessimistic territory was jarring, to say the least, and James went on in...frustration. "We were just home. How blind do I have to be to miss this? And - and I'm sorry, Evans, I should've - I should've calmed down before finding you, we have the meeting." Although that sort of thing doesn't really matter when the world rocks, does it? "I just...I needed you to know, soon as I did." Peter and Remus, Zach and Doe, his closest friends deserved to have a warning. And he and Sirius would figure out how to tell them. James felt a new surge of dread at that. But for now...he didn't know what it was he needed from his girl, but Sirius - and his instinct - had brought him to her. 

[Lily Potter]

"I'll handle the meeting, Potter. And I won't hear any more about it." Lily said at once, taking a step back from her boyfriend and patting tears from her face. A prefects meeting was not something James needed to be worrying about right now. Not when something so monumental was just dropped in his lap. Besides, there was nothing she could do to help this situation with his mum, according to James there was nothing that could be done for it; but she could do this, she could handle this meeting. And after, she would find her Head Boy and hold him for as long as he would let her.

As for the rest of what he had said: "Don't be silly." she said, reaching out and rubbing up and down his arms with trembling hands. "I'm glad you came to me. I would have come to you." How could she put it into words why him wanting to come to her first, as soon as he had known, had made a string in her heart sing? It seemed wrong to be happy about anything right now. She attempted it anyway, trying desperately not to say the wrong thing. "I wouldn't want you to bear this with any other girl. I'm glad you came to me." Wow. Cheesy much Evans? Lily rolled her inner eye at her inner self, telling it to sod off as she reached up and placed a hesitant kiss on James' cheek.

"Don't beat yourself up love," she said as she stepped closer, wanting to kiss him but not knowing if that was proper. "She was obviously trying to hide it from you all. It's not a slight on you, it's a testament to how good your mother is that she managed to keep it secret for so long. And please try not to be angry with her, I think she was just trying to spare you as much pain as possible." Lily knew in her heart of hearts that she would have done the same. She would have kept her secret, her death secret, for as long as possible. But it meant that the people around her only got so much time to celebrate with her, her /life before she passes from it. It was the saddest of sadnesses and again the redhead was leaking tears. She sighed and looked up into the dark wooden hues of James Potter's eyes, wondering how he must be feeling. "Is there anything I can do right now?" God, must you give him so much to handle at once? First Voldemort, now this. Are you not worried that it will break him?

[James Potter]

James didn't bother opening his mouth to protest his girlfriend's words, knowing that any resistance would be energy spent in vain, and an unnecessary argument between them. He swallowed the lump in his throat and gave a tight nod to her instead, watching as Lily tried to compose herself; for his sake or for hers, he didn't know. She made him fix his attention on her at her touch, for which he was grateful - his wandering mind was something to avoid currently - and he smiled briefly, surprising himself, at what was surely a jest. "Any other girl," you're kidding me, Evans, it's always been you. He reached for her hips at that to bring her back to him, trying to keep his thoughts from turning over another sentiment too awfully much. For as touched as he was by Lily's words, he hoped she never had to come to him with something like this. He didn't want his Lily to get such news, as naive as he now knew it was to think like that. 

He kept quiet as she went on, cautioning him against an emotion he didn't need to enunciate having for her to know he was struggling with. But how could he not be angry at himself, his father, and yes, even his mum? He should've taken her slip-up's more seriously instead of hardly giving them a thought. Dad should've told him as soon as he knew. And Mum - You're telling us now, when there's nothing left to be done. Do you know how much time you have left? Why keep it from us instead of letting us help you through it from the start? There was logic in Lily's words, and he was sure that there was logic from his mother's perspective. But it hurt, deeply, to be kept in the dark about something so unbelievably important. 

James' world was teetering wildly, threatening to reject its axis altogether, but it steadied when Lily locked eyes with him. "Is there anything I can do right now?" Her words echoed in his mind, the same thought he'd been struggling with. What can any of us do about this? If we can't stop it, stay it... But Lily was tearful, and he felt more of his own coming on, and he couldn't tell her that there was nothing she could do. Because, really, that wasn't true. They may not be able to make the whole situation change, but...she makes a difference for me. He gazed down at her dolefully, conflicted, trying to find words to fit how he felt, to force through the vulnerability of them, but after a few moments just swept the tears from her cheeks and caught her lips with his. All of the reassurance and strength he received from her, and all that he knew he would in the days to come, he silently promised to pay back somehow.

When James parted from her, his hand still cupped her cheek, the other having pressed her to him by the small of her back, he again found her eyes as he quietly fumbled through his words. "I don't know how I'm going to...how I'm going to be with any of this. But whatever happens, however I am, I need you to know that I love you. And I'll need you. Just...be with me when you can." James didn't want to think that he'd push her away, that he'd retreat, that he'd lash out against those he loved, as he combated this changing path. But he felt in his gut that he was not likely to be his best self. He'd give a similar message to the marauders, although it wasn't necessary to ask any of his closest friends to be present for him and Sirius. They'd know, they always did. Clearing his throat, he continued, "I'm...better when we're together."

[Lily Potter]

Never in all the years she had known James Potter, she had never known him to not have all the words. He never lacked language, even when he ground on her nerves, she recognized the quick mind in that thick head of his. So, to see him now, struggling to express himself, well, it broke her heart. All she could do was hold on to him as he spoke and try to make sense of it all. He seemed worried somehow, about her, making sure that she knew no matter what came that his heart was hers. The part about being not knowing how he would be was a little scary, but not nearly scary enough to run her off. She loved him more in that moment than ever and she told him so. “Of course, you have me. I’ll be here until you send me away, and even then I won’t leave. I love you James, you remember that.”

Lily sincerely hoped that he did not try driving her off in his grief, it would be a struggle neither of them would win at, and neither were to blame for. It would hurt her but she had meant when she said, she would not leave, not ever. Again she felt a sorrow that she would never know James mother in a truly significant way that only years of being family could bring. The red-head reminded herself that she had to make the absolute most of all the time she had with the woman, for herself, and for James. And Mr. Potter! Her heart ached for all of them, and for herself, and it seemed too much. Focusing on the grief, the inevitable, it would drawn them if she let it.

Encouraged by his earlier kiss, she gave him one of her own and though it was a little wet from their crying and sad from their hurting hearts, she felt it was the sweetest kiss they had ever shared. Because with it she was showing him that her promises were real, and that she would stand by them, they would get through this together. “We’re both better when we’re together.” she told him when they parted. It was true, he balanced her just right, and she did the same for him apparently. Like his friends, his brothers, she was a part of him, and the knowledge warmed the coldness of the news about Mia. But it also brought up another thought. “Where is Sirius?”

[James Potter]

A few terms ago, he'd developed an ill-enacted crush on one of the redheads in his year. Quietly admiring the way Lily Evans made her name known throughout Hogwarts on her own merit, wondering if he could have done the same if his name had been as new. Going back-and-forth in and out of class enough to annoy even the most patient of their classmates, because as much as they each wanted the last word it had to be fought for, tooth and nail, and he liked calling out her surname and having her whip around to continue a debate. James had taken to doodling her initials, hiding them rather terribly within the other scribbled drawings on the margins of his coursework. Thinking the scrunch of her nose when she really laughed was the cutest thing he'd ever seen, catching himself wondering if she'd come back from holiday with a new haircut or if the plait running down her back would be even longer when they returned. 

He was no longer the boy so desperate for her attention that he could justify causing a public scene just to get her eyes on him. And Remus had been right, at the start of term. For as much as James had admired her, as much as he'd thought he'd understood her then, as strongly as he felt for her - he hadn't known her half as well as he did now. He hadn't known the depths of her heart, or been trusted to share vulnerable moments with. And Lily hadn't known him. For her to say this now, knowing him as she did - for all of his selfless and selfish parts, for the heart that tended to beat over the thoughts in his head, for the imperfections in his present and bad decisions in his past - and promising that she wouldn't ever leave, asking him to trust that she loved him enough to overcome anything...

James swallowed and blinked away his tears, trying to take in the enormity of what her words meant. Lily wasn't going anywhere. No matter what, she would be beside him to face the trying times ahead. The comfort that her assurance gave, the way it assuaged the unnamed underlying fear of being without someone he loved, solidified what he'd only before thought wistfully or in jokes. Her kiss hit differently with the spark of knowledge so new in him, it was sweet in a way that only Lily could make it be, and his heart steadied as they parted, the touch of a smile on his lips at her affirmation.

"I dunno where he is," James admitted at her question, removing his hands from her back to gently thumb away the stubborn streaks of tears on her cheeks. "He brought the letter to me in the dorm and I didn't react well to it, if you'll believe it. He told me to find you and he left. I'll find him." While Sirius had been extremely right - however much he loved his brother, he'd needed Lily in that first moment - they needed to work through this together. The ground was just as unsteady as it had been from the time he'd read the letter, but his grip on it was stronger, his mind clearer. "Will aim to be back to the dorm by the time the meeting's done. You and Remus could meet us up there then? He and Pete should know what's going on."