i got used to living without you | june 1994 | charlotte

[Remus Lupin]

6 June 1994

Remus Lupin had spent his life since losing everything as a hermit. He'd wanted to be left alone, to forget about James and Lily dying. To forget that Sirius Black had betrayed everyone. To forget about Charlotte, oh his sweet Charlotte. He'd destroyed her whole life. Her family had shunned her when she had moved in with him. They hadn't come to their wedding, and then...he'd left. He'd run away from the one person who could have saved him from himself. He had spent so many years hating himself for it, letting his other side take control on the full moon to punish him. And then Dumbledore found him, and told him that he was coming to teach at Hogwarts and that was no room for discussion. He'd decided to take the train, and there she had been. Using a handkerchief to wipe a smudge off the face of a young boy, absolutely fussing over him. She'd been crying, and it had taken his breath away. She had looked so natural with a child, and in a different life, it could have been his.

He'd spent all year with that boy, and a girl. A girl that looked like Peter Pettigrew and Daisy Hookum. Lowell and Paisley, the two were inseparable. It had been so hard to leave them, the two had been in tears when they found out their favorite teacher was leaving the school. It had been so hard to look at the two of them, knowing that soon Paisley would find out that her father who had "died so nobly" was a fraud. Her life wouldn't be the same, but he was thankful for Lowell, he'd watch over his friend. It was armed with this knowledge that he had arrived at Daisy's house, and lightly rapped on the door. She'd answered quickly, the confusion in her face evident to see him standing there.

"Daisy...you look good," he told her. She smiled, opening the door for him to come inside. He graciously accepted, removing his coat and hanging it on the pegs by the door. He took a look around the house, and smiled. She was a famous author, but she still lived similar to a muggle. He supposed the year she had spent as muggle had a larger effect on her than she let on. He fidgeted with the edge of his jumper, giving her a small nod.

"What is it Remus?" Daisy asked, crossing her arms.

"Paisley, ah. I taught her this year, I was a teacher," he said, unsure of how to begin.

"I know, she wrote home about you, but you didn't come here to talk to me about my daughter. Yes, she's Peter's and yes she knows. Why are you here?" Daisy asked. 

"Peter Pettigrew isn't dead."

Daisy's breath caught in her throat, and she dropped her arms to her side. "What did you just say?"

"Peter he...he didn't die. Sirius was innocent, and I heard it from Peter's mouth. I wouldn't be here telling you this if it wasn't important. Peter was...he was their secret keeper, and he told You-Know-Who were to find them," Remus mumbled, approaching Daisy. He watched as she started to crumble, and he caught her, pulling her into a hug as she began to sob. "People will find out, and people will talk. But I thought you would want to hear it from me."

Daisy gripped his jumper as the tears flowed. Peter, her Peter. She'd accepted his death at the hands of his friend, but this? He'd betrayed James and Lily, he'd been alive. And he had never come to tell her. She shook her head, letting the sobs take over.

Telling Daisy about Peter had been the hardest thing to do. She'd cried for hours, and he'd stayed there with her. He'd fetch tea and chocolate, told her about Paisley and how her daughter was doing in classes. They talked about how she was hurting, about her life as a muggle. About the man she had eventually married and how good he was with Paisley. And they'd talked a lot about Peter. He'd cried as well, the truth was hard to accept. And Daisy, by the end, was furious. She wanted answers, and he couldn't give them to her. Only Peter could.

Remus stood, prepared to leave. It had been a few hours, and her husband would be home soon. She would have to tell him the truth, and that was something that was going to be difficult enough to explain without a strange man in their house. But as he headed to the door, Daisy had stopped him.

"Thank you for watching our for Paisley, Remus. And I missed you," she said, giving him one last hug.

"Ah, it was no problem. She has Lowell too. They seem close," he replied giving a smile. Charlotte's son was a sweet kid, and bringing up his name stung his heart.

"Yea, they're the same age. Charlotte and I are still close, so they've grown up together. We lived together after...well after you left until I got remarried," Daisy replied, giving him a quizzical look. He hadn't brought up Lowell until now, and Daisy suddenly realized that perhaps Remus didn't know. How could he not know? Lowell was almost the spitting image of Remus, and he was the same age as Paisley. "I found out I was pregnant right after that night back in '81."

Remus nodded, "It must have been rough. Finding out right after he, well we thought he died."

Daisy gave a small smile and a nod, "Yeah, it was lucky I had Charlotte. We were going through the same thing at the same time, while we have always been close it made us closer."

And then, Daisy could see the realization hit Remus. The way he opened his mouth and just stared at her, starting counting on his fingers and shaking his head furiously. He was making confused noises, and she couldn't help but let out a laugh. She patted his arm gently until he could finally form a sentence. "Lowell is...he's mine. I have a kid..a son. Oh god his name is Lowell, it means wolf cub. How did I not see this? I have a son."

Daisy gave a sigh, helping Remus put on his coat. "I'll go owl Charlotte and let you know you are coming over. I'm sure you can find her house, she hasn't moved."

And that was how Remus ended up on the porch. The cottage looked the same as they had left it. This porch, it could have been theirs. The cat in the window lazily staring at him, he knew it well. They 'd gotten it together the summer after she graduated from school. His entire life should have been here, but he'd given it all up. And now here he was, 12 years later. Standing on the porch about to ask the girl who had been the love of his life about his son. Clearing his through, he raised his hand to knock.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte looked up from her desk in shock, watching the owl fly out of her study's window, no reply attached to its ankle.

If Daisy - or someone who had impersonated her best friend - was joking, there would be hell to pay.

It had been years since Charlotte had questioned whether or not Remus would come back.

He simply wasn't.

He had made that quite clear. Given his complete and total absence for more than a decade. Granted, they had divorced, but they had still been in communication until she told him about the pregnancy. He had disappeared during the full moon that shortly followed - to be expected - but...never came back. It had hurt, to say the least, to be abandoned by the man she had planned to spend her life with. At twenty-years-old she had been a divorcee and mother-to-be, extraordinarily ill-equipped to handle 1) the emotional turmoil that ending a marriage had thrown her into and 2) raising a child. Char had never seen herself as a motherly sort - caring, surely, but not envisioning a future as an actual mother, having a child of her own. Remus had advised her to get rid of it, before he had vanished from the face of the earth, and although that would have been the most logical choice, given each and every unfavorable circumstance, the young woman couldn't bring herself to either abort the baby or give him up for adoption.

And now, the thirty-something - more lined and grayed than many of her peers, given the stresses and pressures of her short life - couldn't imagine her world without Lowell. He had become a light in her life when there was so little to be thankful for, cheerful for, and she had truly been blessed with a remarkable son.

But in these last months, Lowell away at school for his first year, Char had caught herself expecting, or fooling herself, into thinking Remus was there. In her periphery as she read on the couch they used to share so contentedly, she'd swear his shadow was moving in the kitchen, fixing the pair of them tea. She'd catch herself, in the middle of the act, cooking for two, as if it was Remus who'd turned on the radio in the next room to keep the silence at bay. The long winter had been cold, and she'd keenly felt his absence, alone in their bed at night, with the creaking of the cottage, the hissing of the wind, the flicks of sleet on the windowpanes, keeping her awake. She'd catch herself in thoughts ten years old, asking questions she couldn't answer then, and couldn't answer now - Where had it all gone wrong?

It was only the loneliness making her think this way, she was sure. This was the first time she had truly been alone. When Peter had died, she and Remus had taken Daisy in. When Remus had left, she had Daisy; soon after, their beautiful, wonderful children. And when Daisy had found a good man to marry, she still had Lowell, although he moved out of her room to the one Aunt Daisy and Paisley had shared.

She and Daisy had spent more time together this year, as much as they could, but both were writing, and Charlotte still editing for Obscurus Books, and Daisy had her husband and home to care for...suggestions of dating went brushed off, as they always had been. Daisy had lucked out with Tilden - few men would want to not only date but step into a father-figure role for a child half grown, Charlotte was convinced...

But beyond the loneliness were Lowell's letters.

His endless, welcome stream of them filled her with details of his happy life at Hogwarts, and this, of course, had included detailed descriptions of his courses. And professors.

Professor Lupin was, without a shadow of a doubt, his favorite teacher. The young boy raved about how interesting classes were, how kind the professor was - even sharing chocolate with Paisley and himself when he noticed they were feeling down. Reading the lines written by an unknowing son brought pain to her heart - because the life that should have been was painfully evident in the way Lowell wrote about this professor who inspired him each day.

Of course, the boy had no idea that this man was his father. That this man had turned his back on the two of them. In her youth, when she had still held on to the notion that he could return, Charlotte had named the boy accordingly, in case Remus changed his mind. Lowell, wolf cub, following the Lupin tradition. John, as Remus' middle name.

She thought it would please him.

And now - now - Daisy had written that Remus was on his way to the cottage. She had half-expected it to happen at some point, and Lowell had just written about him being exposed as a werewolf and leaving the school - but this was still - how was she supposed to be around the man who had abandoned her during the most terrifying months of her life? She'd not known her own body, and making those decisions without him - and then he'd never reappeared, and Lowell had endless questions to which she felt guilty only half-answering, and -

There was a knock at the door.

Char brushed her hair behind her ears - It shouldn't matter what you look like, and the house is spotless besides as you've nothing else to take care of. - and went to the front of the house, hating the anticipation that was rising within her at each step that brought her closer to him. She wanted to see him. She wanted to never see him again. She wanted him back. She wanted to curse him for leaving. She wanted to forget. She wanted to remember. She wanted...

You've gotten used to being without - and that's where you'll be again after this. It wasn't as if he would stay, that this reappearance would be in the category of "for good."

They'd made vows and broken them before, after all.

The door was open without her conscious acknowledgement of doing so, and Charlotte Meyers - name changed after the divorce, after all - found herself face-to-face with...

"Remus."

How she hated her heart for trying to leap towards him, to break free from her chest and be his again. After all he had done, she could not, could not, allow herself to fall into old habits of caring for him. Even if his scarring was worse and his hair grayer and his face gaunter - Are you not caring for yourself at all?

[Remus Lupin]

Perhaps she simply wouldn't open the door, or maybe she wouldn't be home. He could leave her a letter explaining that he knew, that he was sorry. He wouldn't have to do this. He wouldn't have to see her. Daisy had told him, in brief detail, things that happened after he had left. Daisy and her daughter had lived there until she had remarried. Charlotte hadn't remarried, however. Daisy didn't need to say it, Remus could feel it in her words. Charlotte wasn't dating, and Daisy had made it clear with her tone that Remus would be hexed to next year if he did anything to hurt Charlotte again.

But then the door opened, and there she was. Charlotte Meyers, just as beautiful as Remus' memory. She said his name and his hand twitched, the desire to reach out and simply caress her face was one he needed to surpress. She may have not found someone else, but she had moved on from him. She had her life, one with a son, and Remus could not interuppt that. He forced a smile on his face, giving her a small nod. "Charlotte."

Using her full name, it felt forgein on his tongue. She had become Char, he hadn't called her Charlotte after they started dating except when they had fought. He averted his gaze to the ground, not sure what to say. He didn't know what Daisy had written in the letter, but there was so much Charlotte needed to know. About Sirius, and Peter. She had been their friend as well, she needed to know the truth. And he, he needed to know about Lowell.

"I'm assuming you got a letter from Daisy, what all do you know?" he asked quietly, forcing himself to stop looking at the porch. His heart was attempting to burst everytime he looked at her. He wanted to hug her, to cry and tell her how truly sorry he was. To express that he was a fool, to have her back. He wanted Charlotte Meyers to be his wife again and it was not fair to her, not in the least bit. He shifted before adding, "Although perhaps this conversation is not best for the porch."

He pulled at the edge of his jacket, realizing how terrible he must have looked. Sirius had done a number on him in the forest, not to mention he'd been kicked in the face by a Hippogriff. He wished he could have had Sirius explain that one to him, but Sirius was gone. And Remus needed to go find him, after all of this. A few moments for them together was not enough to make up for the 12 years they had missed because of Remus being a complete and total idiot. Then again, a few minutes with Charlotte would hardly make up for his actions towards her either. Sirius had tried to tell him, to make Remus come back to her. He hadn't listened, "Ah, a Hippogriff hit me in the face the other night. It's a long story, really."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Char had envisioned this moment so many times over the past twelve years she'd lost count of the ways she'd imagined it happening, but none of that had done her any good as her - what even was he to her, after all this time? - as Remus spoke her full name. She hadn't been Charlotte to him since she was sixteen - before they were dating, the few times they'd addressed each other - or over the next years they were fighting. In the first weeks, she'd imagined him coming back without warning, teary-eyed and with a haphazard collection of baby things in his arms. Apologetic and overwhelmed but willing to participate. In the first years, she'd imagined him giving the door a knock at midday. Timid and verklempt, hours worth of excuses shared as he got to know his toddling son. In the later years, she thought perhaps he'd write. Give some sort of indication that he was sorry for the hell he'd knowingly put her through. Send good wishes for their child. Explain why he hadn't been, and why he couldn't be, involved.

In her mind's eye she'd either welcomed him back or let him say his piece or tossed him out, depending on the sort of day she was having. He was the only man she'd ever loved, and Char knew she'd always be attached to him in some way. But she knew now, facing him, as she'd never been able to unequivocally say - there was no going back to any semblance of what they had been.

He may be Remus Lupin. But he was no longer hers. And she was no longer his.

So she fought the odd urge to laugh, doing her best to keep her face neutral, as suddenly seeing Remus on their her front porch, hearing her name come from him like that, was just...absurd. We made a child together, Remus. Is there really a need for formality? They had been shy teenagers in love without saying it, young adults breaking the rules and moving in together, world weary twenty-somethings with hands too small to hold their problems. But the stress of her current situation was going to...

As if you have any frame of reference for this to anticipate how you'll be, Char. However you are, he's got no right to judge.

And he wasn't doing so well himself. As she looked him over - Honestly, you were let go only a few days ago, what have you been doing? - he looked to the wood of the porch. Unable to face her. The young woman stood taller at that, and met his eyes - the same dark brown ones she'd fallen in love with - when he spoke. She nodded at his second, opening the door for him. As he entered their her home, she said, "She wrote that you were coming, and that you know of Lowell."

At the mention of hippogriffs, Charlotte again fought that laugh. During their time together she had heard countless tall tales from him and the rest of the "Marauders," and this was bringing her right back. He'd gotten crafty with excuses for his wounds, fresh and otherwise, before she'd determined their true cause, but even then hadn't given her something like that. "A hippogriff? Well, one can't say you haven't been busy." She shut the door behind him, part of her regretting the harshness of her words, the other cheering for them to continue to pour out. That part of her had been held quite suppressed these past years. Lowell thought his father was missing in action at the tail end of the war, so it wouldn't do for him to hear her rage, hear her cry, hear her feel what she was really feeling about that man. Daisy was always there, but she'd lost a man who otherwise would have happily stayed with her until the end of days. She didn't need to hear her own complaints when she had had her happy ending snatched away by someone they'd called a friend.

"I was about to put a kettle on, if you'd like something." She walked to the kitchen, past the smiling pictures of her son on each and every bookshelf, to ready the tea.

[Remus Lupin]

He took her answer in, giving a small nod. So she knew nothing of Peter...that was probably for the best. If Daisy had told Charlotte, he expected the two of them would be together right now. He would have to thank Daisy soon. She needed Charlotte, he knew she did. But she was waiting, letting Remus have the moment with his wife...ex-wife, that he needed. She was a good person, and Remus had never given her the credit she deserved. If only Remus had known what kind of person Peter actually was, he could have saved that girl some heartbreak.

Although, perhaps he shouldn't be judging his friend that harshly. While his actions were severe, Remus wasn't much better. He could have said Charlotte a whole lot of heartbreak if he had simply stayed away from her from the beginning. She was a pureblood, she had a life she could have lived quite comfortably if it hadn't been for him. And he had simply destroyed her life even more by leaving. It was a wonder she had even allowed him into the house. He removed his coat, folding it over his arm as she closed the door behind him.

The house felt like home, and it made his heart ache. Things had changed, but it was still the same cottage they had fallen in love with together. He walked over to a bookshelf, picking up a picture of Lowell. He looked to be a toddler, taking his first steps. He gave a sad smile. He could have been there for that, for all of this. He should have. He turned to Charlotte, forcing a smile as she questioned the hippogriff. It sounded a lot like one of his old excuses, that was true. "According to Severus, yes. I missed my potion, so I don't have many memories of that night. Apparently Buckbeak stopped me from harming Harry Potter," he replied. Harry, that poor boy. In another life he would have been Uncle Remus, always over for birthday parties. He wondered if Charlotte had ever seen the boy since that fateful night. He was the spitting image of James, expect those eyes. No, those were Lily's eyes.

He followed her into the kitchen, setting down the picture of Lowell. He drapped his coat over a kitchen chair, watching her move about. "Tea would be lovely, thank you Char-Charlotte." He needed to pull himself together. He ran his hand over his face and through his hair, before sinking down into the chair. He was still hurting from that night, and now quitting his job. His dream job, at that. "I never properly thanked you for the book you sent me, sent to my father. It was lovely," he said. A book that had been for him, signed, like she had promised all those years ago. A book about living as a werewolf, the stories ones he had told her. It had been published anonyoumously, but Remus knew.

He stared around the kitchen, not ready to say the words he needed to tell her. But it didn't matter how long he waited, she needed to know the truth. First, before he asked about Lowell. This mattered more. "Sirius Black didn't betray James and Lily," he started, watching her carefully. "And Peter Pettigrew is not dead. Sirius didn't kill him, or anyone else. Peter...he was their secret keeper. And apparently, he was-is a Death Eater." Remus stopped talking, focusing back down at the table. "Peter admitted it, I heard it directly from his mouth."

[Charlotte Fudge]

You missed your potion while you were at Hogwarts - around the children - how irresponsible can you - Charlotte turned to him sharply as he named Lily and James' son, not quite knowing who this "Buckbeak" was - the hippogriff? - but enough in her right mind to know Harry. "A hippogriff saved Harry - James and Lily's Harry - from you." The deadpanned words were all she could muster, her hands hidden fists within the sleeves of her cardigan, but she knew that's all she needed to say for him to understand her...extreme disappointment. The man she had known would never have neglected something that important, especially not around the only surviving member of the Potter family. Lowell had written of the older boy with great interest, and Char had clung to each word, loving any detail she got. The boy had been taken from their world that night, and she'd seen scraps in the papers over the last two years, but words from her child were far more valuable - and reliable. It seemed that Harry was growing into a fine young man, friends with the Weasleys, of all coincidences! The family had been friendly to the Order, and it warmed her heart to know that Harry was involved in that supportive home. But with a sigh the young woman continued to the kitchen, wondering, as she had a number of times before, if maybe she really...was better off. She'd been loathe to think it - for Lowell should have had a father and she should have had a husband and Remus could have filled these roles well, had he chosen that path - but had caught herself in it from time to time, when things were good. When all was said and done, she'd raised an amazing boy. She had. It had been difficult, but she had done it, and she had done it well. Without him.

The way Remus would stumble over his words had once been endearing to her - she'd thought him sweet, so much like her shy self that it was comforting - but was feeling her patience, whatever she'd had left after her workday and receiving the letter and receiving him, waning already. "'Char' is fine, Remus. No need to trouble yourself with formality." She gave him a tight lipped smile at that before getting the water as he settled down on one of the kitchen chairs behind her. She let out a bit of a laugh - couldn't help herself - as he next spoke. You "never properly" many things, Remus John Lupin. Back still to him as she filled the kettle, Charlotte replied, "I'm glad you received it, read it. The stories are important - they should be shared." It had been cathartic, writing the stories he'd told her over the years. A way to try and process him out of her life - share with the world what was valuable, what could be helpful to someone else in his predicament, and tuck the rest away. It had been a bear to publish, but thankfully due to her connections she'd been able to shoo the manuscript to the right people. And, as she'd promised when they'd been but children, when she had copies of her own she had sent him one. Signed and all.

But at her ex-everything’s unexpected words, plunging her without warning back to that beyond terrible night, Charlotte’s grip tightened on their old red kettle, not relaxing until he’d finished, wherein she stared back at him incredulously. She shook herself out of it, carefully setting a pair of mugs by the stove, adding tea bags as she so well remembered, before she leaned against the countertop and spoke delicately as she could. This was always going to be a sensitive issue with anyone involved, after all.

“Remus, I...mean this in the most understanding of ways. We never wanted to believe that it was Sirius, but the facts are the facts, and they have stood for years. Everything that happened, it’s changed all of us, it’s skewed memories, it’s...it’s a nightmare. But have you been to see Willa as well as Daisy? Because this sounds like one of her ‘theories,’ if I am being absolutely honest. Peter as a Death Eater is just as easy to imagine as Sirius running off in dog form and never returning.” Willa Robbins Black - Did she ever change it back? - had not taken the events...well. She had not seen reason. She had not taken the evidence as it was.

“All the evidence I need - that any of you should need - is in here!” She emphatically pressed her hand to her heart. “Or in here!” She vigorously tapped her temple. The usually mild-mannered young woman had become prone to hysterics since seeing the picture in the Prophet of Sirius with his prison ID, and the group, such as it was at that point, was still humoring her back then. “You expect me to believe that ten years of experiences we have with him are to be outdone by a few pieces of what they insist is evidence against him? ‘Evidence’ that could have easily been planted? ‘Witnesses’ that could have easily been under the Imperious Curse? None of this was done by the man we know - and you are kidding yourselves into believing this instead of what you know! What you know is that Sirius would never betray James and Lily and Harry! You’ve got to help me make them see! If we get him a trial - he could come home, don't you see?” But no matter how passionate her pleas for assistance, how many tears she shed, how long her tirades against the Ministry officials went, how far-fetched creative her excuses and alternate explanations became...she was met with attempts at calming, persuasions to come to terms. It had never gone well, to Charlotte’s knowledge, and Char herself hadn’t seen the other woman in…my, it must have been years.

And besides - long gone were the days where she could implicitly trust every word coming out of the man who sat before her.

[Remus Lupin]

The tone of her voice, Remus could hear the bitter anger hiding behind the words. Perhaps mentioning he had missed a dose hadn't been the best bet. But what was he supposed to do? Sirius had dragged Peter, and Ron, into the Whomping Willow and Harry and Hermione had gone after them. He'd watched it happen on the map. So no, he hadn't thought. He'd run, left his office and ran to the Whomping Willow. Dodge the branches to break in and stop Sirius Black from committing the murder he was imprisoned for. To protect the three children, to be there when Harry found out the truth in case the boy needed him. He hadn't realized it had gotten so late, not after Severus had shown up. He couldn't have known what would happen, that the moon would rise and that Peter would escape.

"He looks just like James. Except the eyes, he has Lily's eyes," Remus replied, no longer caring to keep his tone civil. His words were harsher than he wanted, but he hadn't come to be judged for his actions. He'd done everything in his power to protect all the children in that school, and most of his actions had been protecting them from a man he now knew was innocent. "But yes, a hippogriff. Harry and his friends are fine, no one was harmed." He left the topic there, the bitterness in his words hanging in the air. He hadn't planned on any of these events in his life, no, his plan had been simple. It involved this house, and this woman, and his friends all growing old and never changing. Never this.

He was annoyed he had let his tongue slip, but he ignored her words about formality. This was not a welcome place, the longer he was here the more he realized his feelings - and hers. This was a conversation that was going to be difficult, and it was entirely his fault. No amount of apologies could make up for this, that was something he knew. "I appreciate that you wrote them. I'm sure it wasn't easy." His father hadn't wanted to let him have the book, still upset with his son for leaving his wife. Once his father found out he had a grandchild...Remus was never going to hear the end of it. "My father loved the book. He almost wouldn't let me have it."

She didn't believe his words. Why would he come here, why would he lie to her about something this serious? Did she really believe he was that sort of person. He stood up from the chair, and started to pace the kitchen. He didn't want to yell, no, that wasn't a good idea. Not when he still had questions for her. But he was trying to make her understand the truth. "No, I haven't seen Willa. I haven't seen anyone until Dumbledore found me," he snapped. "But I'm sure she'll love to hear this, because I'm not lying to you. I don't know if Peter was-is a Death Eater. But I know what he did. And I know he is alive and that Sirius is innocent. Because of the damn map we made." He stopped pacing. They had thought the map had been lost forever, but somehow had ended up in the hands of James' son. It had been memory lane, pouring over the pages and watching the footprints wander around the school. It had been terrifying to see Peter Pettigrew's name on the map, memory that now haunted him. "And you don't have to believe me. But Sirius escaped Hogwarts, and I think you know very well that I had nothing to do with that. I hardly believe Dumbledore would let a guilty man slip out of his school."

He stared at her, unsure of what to do or say. This wasn't a conversation he ever thought he would have to experience. "Lowell is...he's my son."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte’s eyes sharply met his as he abruptly dropped whatever act of civility he’d arrived with, wanting both to hear more of James and Lily’s child but frightened to. It physically hurt, hearing of this fantastic boy from others when she should be hearing from his parents, seeing for herself. The life that this boy should have had..."Should have" never gets anyone anywhere. Although Remus said none had been hurt - if the children had seen him at the full moon, the emotional damage could be just as permanent as a physical scar. Realizing her hand had gone to her own scar, she quickly brushed back some stray hair from her forehead, hoping he hadn’t noticed. "I’m glad to hear it," she said, hating how stiff the words - everything - were.

The two of them had never been stiff. Awkward - yes. Furious - yes. Unable to breathe because of fits of laughter - yes. Contentedly quiet for hours on end - yes. But never like this.

It was amazing what time could do to something that had once felt so perfect in its imperfections. She had been truly happy, looking forward to a simple and full life with him. It wasn’t ever easy, and she knew it likely would never be. But they had been happy, for the most of it.

Something it seemed Remus had been hard pressed to find since, and she couldn’t deny it’d been difficult for her as well.

As he spoke of his father and the book, Char gave a nod, another nugget - no, much larger than that - of worry settling in her stomach. Lyall knew about Lowell. Had known his whole life. She and him had become close during her time with Remus, and after her ex’s disappearance, he had wanted to keep in contact. And so they had. The two didn’t speak of Remus, simply of the world, of the boy, of her writing, of his work...but she had always assumed that he was in contact with his son in some way. That Remus knew the situation and was continually choosing his absence.

Charlotte watched, unmoving as the man stood, getting visibly upset. He had always dwarfed her, and age had not changed that. She looked up at Remus as harsh words tore out of him - the part of her that would always love him wanted to believe what he was saying, if for no better reason than to calm him, as she had become so good at doing all those years ago. It had taken quite a bit of tinkering to determine this, but she’d figured out a number of systems (leading-to-moon, post-moon, general-moodiness) that consistently did the trick. But the part of her that didn’t…was feeling an uncomfortable but undeniable sense of success at rattling him. Don’t turn vindictive, Charlotte. It’s all turned out for the best. You’ve Lowell, and he’s got...no one. That did little to settle her mind, but who was she kidding? Her mind wouldn’t be settled for ages, on this one. Believing what he said would mean going back on what they had all thought for twelve years, but Char knew the map he spoke of, the magic behind it. The map didn’t lie.

But you’ve not seen anyone in all this time? What have you been doing?

"And he would allow an innocent man to sit in Azkaban?" she said before she could stop herself, words argumentative and colored with disbelief. The woman sighed, checking the kettle, as she tried to wrap her mind around this. She’d need some more information before she could buy in, and some time to think on it - but he was here, presenting this, and could at least answer her questions. "But what do you mean by that? That you knew from the map - wasn’t that...lost? And did you tell Daisy all of this?" She had been planning to see her friend that night as soon as she received the letter, but now knew that she must. If Daisy had heard this story…Honey, what must be going through your mind? She and Peter had been so in love - had been from their start - and to know that he had (potentially) turned his back on all of his friends, as they had thought Sirius had…

“Reeling” wouldn’t do to describe her tender friend’s state of mind.

Such was the state she would soon be in, if this visit went on much longer.

Because Remus had brought up her son.

Biologically, there is no argument against. But is he your son if you’ve not raised him?

The kettle whistled, and she collectedly poured the boiling water into their respective mugs. She held one out to him, nodding as she met his eyes, and after he took it leaned back against the counter. As she blew over the mug, rippling the surface of the steaming tea, Char knew she was stalling, avoiding his eyes, all of it. This was not a conversation she would ever be prepared for, as she knew now, faced with it.

"He’s a wonderful boy," she said simply, unable not to smile as she thought of her sweet child. "Quite a lot like you, the way he approaches new things, and always trying to keep the peace, if there’s any upset. And it’s just as much a nightmare to keep his hair tidy, gave up on that dream years back." Gave up on a lot of dreams years back that involved you. Charlotte took a breath, looking up to meet his eyes. "He wrote of you often this year. All good things. Torn up currently, little heart doesn’t understand why you left." She took a sip before realizing her words, and hurried to amend with, "Why you left the school. Raised him prejudice-free, of course. He’s wanting to start a campaign to get you back, even though you resigned, officially."

[Remus Lupin]

He was hurting, and he knew he wasn't the only one. But he couldn't sit here and remain civil, not with her condescending tone. Her watched her hand move to her scar, and he looked away, remembering the night it had happened all too clearly. It had been his fault, after all. Fenir Greyback had wanted Remus, and Charlotte had the scent of him on her. He hadn't forgiven himself for that night, even still. And as her hand touched the scar, he began to wonder if she had even forgiven him for it. Most likely not. Her words to him were stiff, and it was only then that Remus truly realized that things would never be the same. This woman that he loved, she didn't love him. And he could respect that. At least, he told himself he could.

It would be unfair to expect her to welcome him back into her life. He had been gone for so long, and he'd not just left her. He had left Lowell, and while admittedly he hadn't know she had kept the child, he supposed he should have realized. Especially after he left, how could she not want to keep a piece of him? Something that was a mix of the two of them, something so perfect. Lowell was just that, perfect. And it pained Remus to think of all the times throughout the year the two of them had spent together. He could have had many of those times, if he'd only stayed.

But her words were harsh, and his eyes snapped to hers, an unwelcome sound coming from his throat. "How was he to know Sirius was innocent until now?" he snapped. He needed to keep his tone more civil, that much he knew. But how could he? Yes, Sirius had done terrible things to Remus. Remus had not forgotten how excluded he felt at the end, how Sirius had been convinced that Remus was a spy. It had hurt, it still hurt. But his friend was innocent, while another friend was not. And it was a burden too large to bear alone. One he needed others to know, and it was frustrating that she was refusing to believe his statements. He had no reason to show up at her house and lie, especially about this.

Running a hand through his hair - a bad habit he had picked up from James- he gave a nod to question. "Yes, the map. It was lost, and somehow it ended up in the hands of Harry Potter. I took it from him, of course. A dangerous item for a boy his age to have. But he told me what he'd seen. Peter Pettigrew, on the map. And the map doesn't lie. It can't," he replied. At her mention of Daisy, he grew uneasy. He had told Daisy all of this, she needed to know. She had loved Peter, and it had been difficult to tell her. He had no idea what was running through her mind now, as she hadn't shared much of her thoughts. "Daisy...she knows. I told her everything I'm telling you."

He listened to the kettle whistle, the familiar sound almost comforting during the awkward silence after he asked about Lowell. He accepted the mug of tea she handed him, meeting her eyes only briefly but his fell to the floor. He couldn't look at her as she spoke about her son-their son. The son he didn't know about, but the son he should have been there for. It was hard, hearing her speak about Lowell. Hearing that his son wrote home to Charlotte about him, Remus winced at her words. While he knew she had been referring to him leaving the school, a fact she confirmed only a few seconds later, the words still stabbed deep.

"Ah," he murmured, looking up to her for a moment before he became intrigued by staring into his tea. "Dumbledore said I could stay, but it was best I left. No one wants a werewolf teaching their kids.." He didn't know what else to say. He was proud, in a way, of Lowell. Fighting to get Remus back as a teacher, it was endearing. And it hurt, because Lowell didn't know the truth. And how could Remus ask that of Charlotte, to let him be involved the boys life? "He's a good kid, you did well." The words sounded strange leaving his lips. He wanted to ask more questions, not just tell her she'd done a good job on her own.

He sat the tea down on the table, staring at it for a few moments, "Charlotte, I want to be involved. And I know it's not fair to ask, I should have been here the whole time. I just," what exactly could he say? He didn't know? While it was true, it wasn't exactly a valid excuse. If he had bothered to check up on her even once in the twelve years he had been gone he could have found out about Lowell. "I didn't think you would keep the baby."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Remus replied in kind to her remark about their old headmaster, which she couldn't fault him for. Charlotte held up a tired, placating hand and gave her head a slight shake, not wanting to fight, not when they had more important issues to speak to. They had hardly scratched the surface of anything. Unfortunately, she caught herself thinking. Charlotte - you have waited years for this opportunity. You never thought it would be easy. But you can get some answers before the day is done, and you owe each other that.

"He couldn't have known, I'm sorry, I'm just - I'm trying to make sense of all of this, as I'm sure you have been trying to." She nodded along as he spoke of the map, tempted to laugh as he spoke of the "danger" of it in the hands of a young boy - When did you say you and the others created that? "You're right, it can't." She let out a breath, fussing with the threads at the seams of her cardigan, as she did her best to look at this as if it was the truth. If what he said about the map was honest, everything else could fit - it was a marvelous bit of magic, and impossible to fake. If Peter was alive - if he had been living in his rat form - he could have gotten away with - when - how -

"You saw him on the map," she said after a pause, hesitantly continuing, "Did you - did you see him?"

Hearing that Daisy knew all of this as well sent a rush through her and she nodded, feeling torn. As much as she wanted to talk all of this out with Remus, Daisy must be needing her as well, for coming to terms with this would not be a simple feat. She would be there as soon as she could, she would...

At his compliment about Lowell she was pulled from her thoughts, and Charlotte felt herself truly smile for the first smile since his arrival.

"Thank you, he really is," she replied. "He didn't need much help to get to where he is, was born strong with a good heart. Just needs some nudges, here and there - they all do, as I'm sure you know after this year. And it's - the prejudice isn't waning at all? I know Lowell and Paisley weren't the only children you reached - surely there would have been parents, faculty, on your side? Is it too late?" She stopped herself from going any further, old habits of trying to boost him up about his prospects coming back unbidden. She did not - could not - hate the man before her. She didn't want him to go back to living in isolation, to hating himself for all that had happened. But she was even more ill-equipped now to reason with him than when they had been in love, or so she feared.

He grew quiet, seeming to debate, and her heart grew unsteady in those moments, her smile fading fast as she wondered what was coming next. And as he asked - as she felt he would eventually - to be "involved," Charlotte felt a chill run through her bones.

"Remus, I..." The young woman swallowed uncomfortably, wondering what he had been expecting, and already hating herself for knowing that what she needed to do would hurt him. Remus had obviously been through too much pain, as all survivors of this war had, and she didn't want to be the cause of more. But what choice did she have? However easy in the start it would be to just agree, to give a one-syllable "yes," skip over the last twelve years - be the family they should have been - it was wrong.

But Lowell would be ecstatic to keep Professor Lupin in his life, to know that he wasn't just the teacher he admired and was inspired by, but his long-lost father. She had never heard of him speak of a man the way he spoke about his beloved professor, and his need of a father figure - what she could not give him - had never been more blatant.

But she couldn't ignore what had happened. Remus had run before, and this time she wouldn't be the only one who knew that he was leaving. It had been nearly impossible to keep herself together then, and another disappearance...

And she couldn't just let him walk into Lowell's life as his father when she couldn't trust him not to bolt when things got difficult. Even if he was gone-and-back, that would be just as damaging as leaving absolutely - when Remus had left her, she'd not thought it would be for long, and she'd not seen him in more than ten years. She wasn't about to put her son through that - the constant wondering of whether or not he'd return, keeping everything just so in the off chance he would for the longest time, thinking over everything that could have gone wrong, wondering if he was all right -

Wondering. Wondering. Wondering.

It would've driven her mad if she hadn't found ways to focus on what was good in her life. Thankfully, she had Daisy, Lowell, Paisley, her work...

But she would not get her son's hopes up to have them dashed, the two of them left worse off than before. Lowell was her responsibility to care for, to protect. No matter how much she wanted to trust Remus again, to have him in both of their lives - for she knew it could be great, that if he honestly could commit that he could still be a grand father and partner - it would not be done as easily as him simply asking permission. It couldn't be.

"As you can imagine, I've wanted to hear that. To be honest, it's been a long time since I thought I would." She sighed and set down her tea, running a shaky hand through her hair as she tried to keep herself calm. Memories of the last time they had discussed their child were flooding in, threatening to drown her. "As for my not keeping him...Remus, you said I shouldn't and were out the door before I could say a word. I'd told you from the start that I was going to raise the baby, no matter what." Char looked up to meet his eyes, trying, trying to stay afloat, keep her voice from wavering. She needed to be strong, strong for Lowell. "So as for where we go from here - if you can commit, there is nothing more I'd want than for you to be in his life. Of course there isn't. Part of him has been missing, with you gone, a boy, he - he needs his father. But I can't just - " She cut herself off as tears threatened, and gave a frustrated sigh as she quickly wiped her eyes. This was no time to break down, but it was with the wretched sadness she felt at not just giving this to him, that she felt at not being able to be both parents for her child, that she quietly continued. "I can't just let you back in, Rem. Not without caveats. I hope you can respect that."

[Remus Lupin]

He shouldn't have snapped at her, that much he knew. But he couldn't exactly stop himself in this situation, not with all of the feelings from the past flooding back so very suddenly. Feelings about his best friend - about how Sirius was innocent. And feelings for Charlotte that he had long ago buried in an attempt to convince himself he had done the right thing by leaving her tweleve years ago. A decision that, he now realized, was a very poor decision for him to have made.

"I've been trying to make sense of it myself, yes. It's not easy news, which is why I decided delivering to everyone in person was probably best. I'll still have to go tell Willa...if she even is willing to speak to me," he murmered in reply, letting himself calm down from the anger that had swelled only moments before. But at least she was admitted defeat, in a way. He had helped make that map, the spellwork that they had done on it was flawless. There was no way it could ever show someone who wasn't actually there.

At her next question, however, he gave a sigh. Yes, he had seen Peter. A tired, older version of the boy he had called his best friend. It had been hard enough to see his name on the map, but to see the man himself, the man who betrayed them all. He had been surprised he was able to hold Sirius back from commiting the murder he had been imprisoned for. "Yes. I saw him. So did Harry and his friends. Trust me, it wasn't way I would have wanted Harry to know his Uncles, to see them."

In another time, they would have been Uncle Sirius, Uncle Remus, Uncle Peter. Aunt Charlotte. But those days had long past, and Remus gripped onto the chair tightly as the gravity of his words really hit him. This topic was draining him, although the lasting effects of the last moon probably weren't helping. He gripped his mug tightly, trying to do his best to stay calm. This conversation would be over soon enough.

Thankfully, the topic of Lowell had calmed her down, and brought a real smile out. A smile that he had missed seeing. She spoke so fondly of her son-their son. It was a fact that broke his heart, and made him want to wrap her in his arms. She had needed him, and he hadn't been there. What kind of person was he really, if he couldn't stay for her? What right did he even have to be standing here in the home they had once shared? "All the kids are excellent, good kids. Lowell and Paisley," he paused. Paisley was Peter's daughter, and that poor child was about to have her entire world positively shattered. Quite frankly, he wasn't a much better father than Peter at this point. "No, I can't go back. No one wants a werewolf in their life, I'm sure you remember how your parents reacted when they found out the truth."

He knew that his next question, however, was not an easy one for her to answer. And so he pulled out the chair as he waited, hoping that the reply she gave him would be one that he wanted to her. She could very well send him away, tell him to never try to contact Lowell. And that would be something he would have to respect. So he sat in the silence, watching as Charlotte shook. He wanted to cross the room and hug her, tell her that he was back, that he was going to say. But that wasn't what she wanted to hear.

So he met her eyes as she spoke, when she would allow it. Her voice was trembling, and he took in her words slowly, letting the silence fall back between them. It wasn't a no, and if he had to jump through hoops to be a part of his sons life, than so be it. He would do whatever she asked of him if it meant that he got to be involved. "I know you told me. I know I should have come back, and while I understand that an apology now means nothing...I truly am sorry. My father is going to have my head when he finds out that he has a grandson, assuming it's alright that I tell him."

He had caught the tears in her eyes, so she stood and crossed the room slowly, reaching out gently to rub her arm. He didn't know what she would do, but he hoped that he was a least comforting her in a way. "I won't leave again. I need you and Lowell more than you both realize. And Daisy, she needs all of us now. And her daughter...Peter's daughter..."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Remus spoke of making sense of this extraordinary twist, a twist that meant Sirius had been wrongly imprisoned, they’d turned their backs on their friend when he’d needed their support the most, it had been Daisy’s Peter who betrayed them, who was responsible for James and Lily’s deaths, Harry growing up without his family - and the more Charlotte thought, the more conflicted she felt. It was so much to take in, and the guilt of not fighting for Sirius, of simply accepting the Ministry’s word, Dumbledore’s word, as truth...it was overwhelming. In the months leading up to Lily and James’ deaths, the group of boys had been...tense. Sirius and Remus hadn’t been on good terms, to put it lightly, and although she’d tried to convince Remus that Sirius couldn’t have been who was spreading information to the other side, when Halloween had hit, all of the evidence come to light...

It had been incredibly tough to swallow, but she hadn’t been able to argue against the facts. Remus had been right, in a time when that was the worst of things.

But she was relieved to see him calming, and gave a sad smile as he spoke of Willa. Their old friend had been trying to keep the peace among the boys during that time as well, but had taken Remus’ attacks on Sirius personally. The tension of the time hadn’t done her well, and she’d snapped at him more than once. "I know things weren’t left well between you two, but of all of us, she’ll take it the best. I’ve no doubt."

She leaned against the counter, trying to focus, as Remus admitted to seeing Peter - and that Harry had. His hands clenched, and a nearly forgotten urge to soothe him rose within her. She had been so good at reading him, knowing what to do, when they had been together. And as much as he had wronged her, Charlotte didn’t want him suffering any more than he already had. He had been so wary of Harry - fumbling, so unsure of himself, leery of holding him, claiming that the kid cried around him on purpose - but Char knew he’d wanted to get better. Be known as Uncle Remus. Support him, teach him - and not just in class, with his relation to the boy unknown. "I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like, Rem," she said quietly with a sigh of her own, picturing the scene as best as she could. With Remus knowing Peter had lived, had deceived them all - she’d seen him angry before, but nothing of the magnitude that must surely have come out with that situation. And it’d been a full moon...It truly was the worst mix of happenings imaginable. "I’m glad that the truth’s come out, but I’m sorry that Harry had to witness - that he saw him, as I’m assuming that that’s when all was confirmed..." She ran a hand through her hair, mussing it in her distraction, an old thinking habit, as she tried to keep putting this together. The boy had been through too much in his young life, he shouldn’t have had to meet the man who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Although what that man was like now, she had no idea - but he couldn’t be the Peter she had known and loved like a brother.

Things turned to his work, or lack thereof, and his words sliced at her, her supportive gaze turning sharp. No one? Have you forgotten that I married you, knowing your condition full well? Yes, she easily remembered her parents’ reactions to finding out that their daughter’s fiancé was a werewolf. They had already been upset enough that she wanted to marry so young, and to a halfblood of little employment, but the knowledge that he "wasn’t even fully human" had cut their relationship irreparably as she refused to follow their order to leave him. Charlotte hadn’t then, and still did not, regret the decision she’d made. But for him to say this? "Be careful of absolutes, Remus," she said stiffly, taking a drink of her tea. "But if you feel you can’t go back, it’s your choice, of course."

She was glad that he was being patient with her, because although she knew what she needed to say, it was not easy to now, faced with him, find the words to make this as painless as possible. She watched as he fit his long frame into one of their old chairs, everything with the picture so right and so wrong, and tried to hold his gaze as she spoke, as she waited for his response. The cottage kitchen filled with silence, the air thick with tension - until he apologized. Merlin, but it had been hard enough to keep herself together before he acknowledged this! She gulped back tears and gave a nod in thanks, but dread at what she had to say next only increased her trembling. Lyall had stayed in touch after Remus had left, and this had been the main reason why she had always thought he knew about Lowell. But she had been wrong there. "He won’t have your head," she said carefully. But you might have his. "He...knows. He’s always kept in contact."

As Charlotte began what she needed to say, that he couldn’t just be back, the tears she’d been trying to hold in bested her. And the man she’d so loved approached her, breaking the boundary that they’d put between them. His hand on her arm, the steady caress that at one point in life she’d been so accustomed to - it was as if he’d come back from the dead, how surreal it felt, the light pressure of his fingertips through her cardigan. The number of times Charlotte had wrapped her arms around herself, trying to mimic the gesture, give herself some comfort...

And now Remus was here. Saying what she’d been so longing to hear - for years she had waited to hear affirmation that he would stay, that he needed her...

But one of the crucial points of her last few years was realizing that she did not need him.

She wanted him - hell, how she’d wanted him in every way - but she had lived. She’d raised a strong, caring child. She’d been published. She’d made enough to keep the house, keep Lowell and herself comfortable, if they were thrifty.

In the first few years, when Lowell was so young, everything had been overwhelming. Losing hope that Remus would return, Daisy and herself stumbling through motherhood together. Her family had long stopped being a part of her life, and she had never felt so alone then, felt so much full of doubt at her decision to keep the child. Because what had she been thinking? She couldn’t do it herself - it had been that dreadful stubbornness of hers getting the better of her that had made her stick out the pregnancy.

But whenever Lowell cried, a few moments in her arms would quiet him. All he needed was her. And when she finally conceded that Remus was more likely never to return, and that she had to do this alone - Char found that she could. That didn’t mean there wasn’t an ache within her that only her husband’s presence would’ve soothed, but the ache had dulled as time went on. Time had passed. She was no longer the girl he left, and he wasn’t the boy who left her. Those evolutions of themselves were long gone, gone since the cold winter night when he’d disappeared. Charlotte had adapted to survive a life without him, and was proud of the person she’d become.

Although that didn’t mean she wasn’t tempted to succumb to his touch, to take him at his word. It’s not only you, now. It’s not only you, and you’ve got to remember that.

"How can you expect me to trust you, Remus?" she said tearfully, hating herself as she said it, that she was letting him see how much this was affecting her. "You've made and broken vows before, and I can't forget that." The absence of his ring on her finger felt tangible as she said it, but she had to press on. "But if you mean it, then my asking this won't be asking anything more than what you'd be committing to by saying you want to be his father." Charlotte paused and forced herself to meet his eyes again, although hers were still glazed with tears, as she gave her term. "I need you to make a vow you can't break."

[Remus Lupin]

This news wasn't easy. It had been something he had quickly been forced to accept, as he had watched the proof unfold in front of him. And Daisy, well she had known that Peter was questioning his loyalties. She had told him that much when he told her the news. So this information, while difficult, had been easier for her to accept than others. It was something he needed to remember as he had this conversation with Charlotte, after all, he'd had done his best to protect her from everything back then. Something he should have continued to do, although it was far too late to correct that mistake.

She was however, accepting the information, and for that he was glad. Willa, however, was a task he wasn't quite ready to accomplish. They had fought fiercely before the incident, and after his arrest, things has escalated. She was convinced Sirius was innocent, and Remus couldn't see any proof that he was. Especially since Sirius had convinced everyone else that it had been Remus who was betraying their secrets. It would not be a pleasant conversation when he showed up on her front door, he wasn't even sure that she would let him in. In fact, he wasn't even sure that Sirius would contact Willa. Sure, when he'd gone to visit Sirius had wanted to know how Willa was doing, but after all these years? Would Sirius still love Willa?

Looking to Charlotte as spoke of Willa, he knew the answer. If Sirius truly loved Willa like Remus thought he had, then yes. He would. Because it was very obvious as he stood here that he still loved Charlotte very deeply. Something that he would need to keep to himself. "I hope she will. I don't know what Sirius plans to do, if he intends to see her..."

Speaking of Harry, of what had happened, it wasn't easy. And he was thankful that Charlotte was picking up on his struggle with the whole situation. They should have been family to the boy. Aunt and Uncle. Not a new professor and someone that Harry didn't even know. And you should have been much more to Lowell as well. The thought crossed his mind, and he winced. Yes, he should have done that too. Something he was almost positive Charlotte was going to bring up in this conversation. Thankfully, she didn't, and he ran a hand through his hair as she spoke to him.

"To think, there was a time when we would have wanted Harry to know Peter. He was our best mate-" his voice broke, and he looked away from her and towards the ground. Peter had been their best mate, and he had betrayed them. He had betrayed all of them in a different way, and Remus was having a hard time adjusting to the information. It had been so easy to start hating Sirius, as Sirius had been accusing him. But Peter? He wouldn't have guessed. And he should have guessed. Sirius tried to tell him, he really had.

The conversation turned stiff, however, as he spoke of work. Her response to him wasn't the kind words he had once known when he had been so down about his condition, but he knew he deserved her reaction. She had been there for him, for so long. He wanted to apologize, but right now the words didn't feel like they would mean much. "There are a few families of...status that have already expressed their disdain for me being a Professor. No, it's better if I don't go back. I'm sure I can find something else."

As they spoke of Lowell, and of Remus' father, he was incredibly surprised to hear that Lyall Lupin knew of Remus' child. He tensed on the chair, the news hitting him harder than he would of though. How could his father have kept that information from him? That he was keeping in contact with Charlotte, that she had kept the child? He felt a surge of anger towards his father, something he hadn't felt for many years. But he needed to let it go, especially right now. He could speak to his father later, right now, he needed to accept the fact he was a father. And by all accounts, he was just as terrible of one as his own father had been.

He continued to rub her arm as she cried, resisting the urge to pull her into a hug and soothe her as he had done so many times before. It wasn't his place anymore, as much as he wanted it to be. He listened to her words, letting them cut him as they were spoken. Yes, he had broken his vows. The vow to stay by her side until death did them part.

 

"I can't except that Char," he whispered, before using his hand to brush tears from her face. "I expected nothing from this conversation. And I want so much, but I will take what I can get. And I do mean this. I want to be in his life, I want to be his father. I want to be..." He trailed off. He wanted to be a family, but that was not something he could ask of her right now. He gave a sigh, before lightly brushing her forehead with his lips. He took a step back, giving her a nod. "I will make whatever vow you need."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Remus was looking at her with...something that she would have once naturally called love, because at that point in life he told her every day how he felt for her, and the look was unmistakable. The war was good for that, on top of bringing an eventual peace - everything had had to happen so fast if they wanted it to happen at all, because the uncertainty of their lives and the certainty of their feelings had been in supreme contradiction. They loved and they hated and they lived in an altered pace in those years, different than in any that preceded or had come since.

She had had to slow down again once her husband was gone, seriously think back on those years and the choices she had made. Because each decision had led to Lowell she would not change much, if she had that power. Charlotte tried to learn from each decision, even those she had once or still did label as mistakes - maybe they could have kept Remus’ condition from her family and they would still have been a part of her life, but then again, was it not for the best that they weren’t? - but making sense of those rapid-fire years after the fact was a chore. A necessary chore. Because if she was to one day truly explain to her son how he had come to be, as was only fair, Charlotte needed to know how she really felt about it all. Not waver when he asked questions about his father and the part he played in the war and why he had not returned, about the friend who had led to the deaths of others. The people who would be featured in these stories, who should have been Lowell’s family, were scattered around the country, some six feet under and some only Merlin knew where. Those years and people seemed so far away now, but they had made her life what it was, and as painful as it had been to dig in to them after the key character had disappeared, she had accepted them. Had moved on to the next chapter.

But here he was, writing himself back into the book of her life, discussing Willa and Sirius’ relationship with her as they had done so often forever and a day ago. The on-again-off-again of the pair had inevitably led to marriage, and now that Sirius was free - well, as free as he could be without his name being cleared, where was he going to even live? - Charlotte couldn’t imagine he would not take the first opportunity he could to see his wife. "I hope he does. They deserve to see each other again, after all this time. I expect he won’t be truly free for the near future, but any time together should bring comfort to them both, I would think. They were always a bit mad when they were apart," she said with a rueful smile. Years kept apart from the other who brought them to earth would not have been good for either, but perhaps theirs could be a more peaceful reunion than this could turn to be...

At Remus’ words of Harry, voice breaking as it had when he’d been young, he turned away from her, the tidy tiles of the kitchen floor drawing his eye. Her heart went to him, knowing what Peter had meant to him for all these years. The boy who had braved the forest as a rat with a werewolf for countless full moons. The young man who died hours after Harry was orphaned, their friend with such potential, a wife and full life ahead of him. His life had been taken by a friend like a brother, and Remus had not been able to reconcile that in the time that she knew him. In speaking, Char knew she wouldn’t be able to retract her word - this was committing to believing him. And she had to. This was still Remus, after all - he wouldn’t be here, telling her this, if it wasn’t true. "He fooled us all, Remus. We couldn’t have known." She gave him a sad smile, not knowing what else to say. Lily and James were still dead. Sirius was not free. But the how of that night was still immensely important. The guilt that he was surely feeling for not knowing would be eating him up, but coming to terms with a mistake in judgement made twelve years late? Will be lucky if any of us can forgive ourselves, each other, for this. Because how could even she, Peter's wife's best friend, not have had the slightest inkling?

She only nodded at his closing the topic of his working at Hogwarts, thinking that she, unfortunately, probably knew the surnames of those who were against his reappointment. The prejudice that surrounded werewolves was something she still could not understand, and after her experiences felt herself a respectable judge. Remus was Remus. His wins, his losses, his successes, his mistakes - they were because of him and how he dealt with situations, not his lycanthropy making choices for him. And if he could be used as a case - there were incredible difficulties, yes, but there were ways to make living with it manageable...Not something you have the luxury of time to debate now, Charlotte. Because now he knew about Lyall. He had stiffened noticeably, his form rigid. Things between the father and son had never been friendly in the time she knew him, and she couldn’t believe that this would help matters. You’ll have to send Lyall a note to meet, them not being in contact...how could you have convinced yourself that they were?

Talk turned to the crux of their personal matter, and he didn’t expect her to trust him? And he was still asking for her to place her ultimate trust in him by letting him into Lowell's life as his father? Remus’ practiced fingers adeptly took away her tears, leaving her in even more confusion as he continued. This was too much at once - Peter was responsible for James and Lily’s murder, Sirius’ imprisonment. Remus wanting back into her life, to fully take on the role he had chosen against. People and situations she tried not to think about on the daily were being thrown at her with the most tempting offers she could imagine. His unfinished want hung in the air between them, and he kissed her.

Her forehead, that is. You've absolutely gone mad, being disappointed that it wasn't anything more. You know what he's done to you, to your son. Tingles spreading from the point his lips touched were trying to turn her back into the young woman he’d loved, fill her with warmth and contentment and wanting. Her heart began to race foolishly, caught off guard by the closeness. Would it be so terrible to let him -

He moved away from her just as suddenly. Promising to abide by her rule. Flustered could not even begin to describe it. Realizing that she was staring dumbly at him, the young woman gave her drying eyes a pat before finding his as firmly as she could. "We'll make the arrangements for an Unbreakable, then. I can't - I can't have you run out on him. He loves you too much already to be unaffected by that, and I want him to live as full a life as he can. Without a father in the flesh, he has only your example to follow from stories - just the ones with happy endings and morals to learn from, don't worry," she hastily continued, knowing there were many stories of Remus' life that wouldn't be good for a young child to know the full extent of. Part of her wondered if she was going about this too fast, another part confirmed it, but her heart was overtaking her. "But I'd rather that incomplete picture than him live in fear of being left. Or being doomed to do the leaving. He's - impressionable, and believes the best, and if you were to not come back - " Char swallowed, blinking back tears, voice unsteady when she was able to continue. As much as she hated being vulnerable with him after all this time, it was so needed if they were to truly go forward together. "I can't have him see me after that, either. He needs me whole." As much as I can be.

[Remus Lupin]

In the many years he had been gone, he had thought about what it would be like to see Charlotte again. But he had never imagined this scenario. He couldn't have ever expected this situation. To be seeing his wife - his ex-wife - because they had a son he hadn't known about. Or, at least, a son he hadn't choosen to accept was going to exist. And on top of that, he was seeing her to share earth shattering news that would forever change her world - and Lowell's. Everything Charlotte had told the boy about him, and about his uncles, was turning out to be false.

Remus wasn't entirely sure he could handle the thought of Lowell hating him. 

And this situation they were in now, it was so familiar. Discussing Willa and Sirius as if no time had passed. It seemed like not that long ago that he had been telling Charlotte that they had finally decided to get married. It hadn't come as a shock to any of them, after the time Sirius had spent deny the fact that he had feelings for the former Hufflepuff. He almost wanted to smile, thinking of the times that he had shared with Sirius when it came to Willa. Like the time he had shown up at his house with a bruised jaw, complaining about Benji.

Remus took a deep breath and pulled himself back into the conversation, getting too caught up in the past. The present was painful, but it needed his attention right now. He gave a nod at Charlotte's words, "He's still wanted, and unless we can find Peter that isn't going to change. I'm hoping that Peter doesn't try to contact Daisy. I'm not sure if he knows about her getting re-married, or about their daughter..." He let himself trail off, unsure of what he really wanted to say. "But I do hope Sirius and Willa can be together again. It would be good for them both."

But the conversation about Peter was hard, and what he had done was eating at Remus' insides. Peter had been his brother. Everything had been perfect. When everyone had started to doubt Remus, when tempers had flown, Peter had still trusted in Remus. He was still there for him. But now it was easy to see why - since Peter had been the traitor all along. His eyes snapped up as Charlotte spoke, unsure if he wanted to accept her words. Did she truly believe him? "I know. I know he did, and I hate him. I hate him for it Char."

Hate was not a emotion he had thought he would ever feel. He had thought he had hated Sirius, hated Willa, but he knew that wasn't the case now. He had been angry and hurt, but he still loved them both immensely. But Peter? No, this was hate. Peter had taken everything that they all had and handed it over to the Dark Lord without hesitation. And Remus would not let him get away with it.

The conversation about Lowell, about his son, flowed easier than he thought it would. He felt like a fool for getting that close to her, for wanting to kiss her even more than he had. So the distance he had placed between them, well, it was a good thing. He waited patiently as she talked, feeling the pain in his heart as he thought about Lowell. His son knew only good things, and that made it worse. He didn't know what a coward his father was. Remus gave a nod, pulling on the edge of his jumper as he looked at Charlotte. "I'll make then Unbreakable vow. I don't want to leave him, I have no intention of running from any more problems. I'm not leaving Char, I'm going to be right here for him. And for you, if you will let me. In whatever way you need."