i got used to living without you | june 1994 | charlotte

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte had always prided herself on her ability to stay calm during tense situations. Even as they had first spoken about his being a werewolf - although there had been a few tears - it had gone smoothly, given the circumstances. And now hearing of their old comrades, speaking of them so naturally around all of this new information, she was holding herself together as well as she could, nodding in agreement as he spoke of the others. But he had a way of bringing her out of her carefully put together shell, and she was regretting letting down her defenses - they were gone as required for this to be an honest conversation, but they weren’t only self-protective...

Remus standing in their her kitchen, making promises, automatically agreeing to her terms, worrying with the threads of his fraying jumper as he had done the whole time she knew him - it was too much for the young woman who had gone through too much. Angry tears spiked at her eyes as she took up her tea in a vain attempt to calm back down and, in realizing that it just simply wasn’t going to happen, set it down harshly on the countertop before turning on him.

All she had wanted for so long was to have him back. The time they had been together had, for many years, felt like the best she had had, and would ever have. But she didn't love him like that anymore, and knew that better days had been had with Lowell, and would continue. What he’d done...one day of apologies wouldn’t be enough. And as much as she was sure he knew it -

"Problems? That’s what we were to you?" Insulted was not the half of it. "Merlin’s sake - unless you’ve gone through some sort of change in these years - Remus Lupin, if you’re exaggerating any of this, I’ll make it so that you’ll not see him or me again - ever," Char said, the bitterness of years of having been left fueling her and finally emanating. The floodgates had burst open, and although she’d never hated him, that didn’t mean she hadn’t been furious...and, given the right circumstances, could be again. So it was with this that she continued, unable to stop herself as she started to pace the short length of the kitchen, bright eyes brighter with anger darting to him. "Do you have any idea what it was like? Waiting for you to decide to come back and then realizing that it was never going to happen? That I’d been wrong to trust you? That I was, for all intents and purposes, a divorcee with a child at twenty, and had to work everything out without - " you. She shook her head, furiously brushing back her bangs before she continued. "You knew I didn’t want children when we got married either, Remus, but I took the responsibility when it came and he’s been the best addition to my life I ever could’ve had." Could’ve been for you too, so easily. Char fixed her eyes on his, unwilling to let him leave again without giving her a straight answer to a question given with no uncertainty of that. "How could you have just left? If you wanted out you could have said and I'd have respected it, but going off for a moon and that being it - didn't even owe me an explanation, not after everything?" As she looked up at him, Char tried to find in him the man she had once committed herself to, the man she'd thought she'd do anything for, live her life with...

[Remus Lupin]

While the conversation was tense, it had all flowed so naturally. It was like they were in their twenties, discussing their friends and the war all over again. They had been terrified then, spending every moment they could with each other in case suddenly there were no more days to be spent together. And here they were, years later, discussing the same thoughts and the same fears. Almost like no time had passed between them, as if it was normal for him to be standing in the kitchen talking with her about these things.

But it wasn't normal, and time had passed. Charlotte had dealt with so many things without him, and their son was grown. In school, learning everything he would need to get through life. And his son wasn't like him, at least not in the way that Remus had been so afraid of. And it was evident in her reaction to him as he finished speaking. He hadn't meant for her to take his words that way, he really should have thought them through better. He stepped back as she sat her mug down on the counter harshly.

Her words stung, and he held back his emotions as she paced the kitchen, saying everything that he deserved to hear. Everything that he needed to hear. Asking him questions he had been expecting, questions that he didn't really have the answers to. He'd asked himself the same questions when he found out about Lowell, when he finally realized that the precious boy he had spent time with during school was his own flesh and blood. He met her eyes, unsure of what he wanted to say.

"No, you were never my problems. I-well," he paused, frustrated with himself and his inability to speak. How could he explain what he had been feeling without sounding like a coward? That was all he was. "I was the problem, I always was. I left because I was scared, because I was falling apart after James and Lily and then Sirius. And I didn't come back because I was just as scared. I was terrified to be a father, terrified that you would hate me for being gone in the first place. That's what I deserve, and I know that. I know it wasn't easy and that I screwed up everything." Remus stopped talking, blinking back the tears that started to fall. He should have done everything different, and he couldn't change time. As much as he wanted to.

"I owe you more apologies than I could ever give you in a lifetime. And if you want me to be gone, all you have to do is say. But I am not lying. I want to be in his life, in your life. In any way that you will let me. I'm a coward, Charlotte. I know that. But I want to do this."

[Charlotte Fudge]

She was hurting him, and she knew it. But the words - they had to erupt out of her, she couldn't have this opportunity to speak with her ex-husband and not get answers. Charlotte had always been a seeker of answers, a completer of puzzles - and not reaching out to him as the years dragged by had been one of the more difficult things about the time. Because it meant that she was still lacking answers, and with a lack of answers, how could she understand? She could infer and she could assume, but until hearing him now she hadn't truly known. The unfinished puzzle had needled at her for years, the want - no - need springing up on her to finish it, to finally put it behind her. But the questions had lingered, much overstaying their welcome.

And she answer she got - that the man she had married was a coward, frightened of her, that he'd not been able to handle the deaths of his friends, another's imprisonment and assumed betrayal - meant incredibly much to her. Questions could finally - finally - be put to rest. Watching him own his mistakes, seeing his eyes prick with tears, was...gratifying, in a way. She'd known that leaving hadn't been easy for him - for a man who had once thought he'd never have a family of his own, Remus had always made her aware of how lucky he felt to have her. So to drop her as he had - as much as it hurt her, he couldn't be unscarred by it either.

Didn't make it right, didn't make her not reaching out right either, but...he just yanked at her heart with these apologies, owning that he was a coward, that he wanted to be a part of her and Lowell's lives for good. The young woman was rightly torn. How could she deny Lowell the opportunity to have his father in his life, a father that was wanting to commit? But how could she let Remus back in when she knew firsthand the damage he could cause?

A silence fell thickly after his admissions, as she did not know how to respond. Her mind was buzzing, her frame shaking with the tension of this.

There had been no romantic love in her life but him, and although he wasn't the boy she'd fallen in love with...

Maybe he's still in there - somewhere.

Just as the girl she had been could be, sheltered under the layers of the woman she had had to become.

"I don't know how to do this, Remus, I don't," she admitted heavily, finally, hating how worked up she still was. "But I never hated you - how could I? I loved you once, and that - what we had - it's not as if that could be dismissed by your leaving. And without you I wouldn't have had Lowell, and I wouldn't trade him for anything." She tried to meet his eye but couldn't hold it, instead retaking her tea and moving to the living room, sitting on the couch with her legs to her chest as she attempted to make sense of this monumental change. Her head had started to ache with the overwhelmingness of it. "I'd accepted you were gone and not coming back," Char continued quietly after another lull, kneading her forehead with the heel of her hand.

[Remus Lupin]

He should have never walked away.

That much was clear to him, it was evident in the feeling of the house they once shared. The way she looked at him, the pain in her voice. It was even evident in his son. The poor deserved much better than a coward of a man. The shell of a person who had once loved so much. Yes, his heart was still beating. It still ached for Charlotte's touch, even after all these years. It had always been her. Hiding in forests, in run down shacks. Barely scraping by in part time muggle jobs he took around the country as he ran, as he hid. His only connection to her had been his father, and even that hadn't been much. Lyall Lupin had never told Remus the truth, a fact that was still stinging.

But Remus didn't deserve to know the truth, he supposed. He'd abandoned his family. And while his own father hadn't been much of a dad, Remus had done worse. He hadn't done right by Charlotte, even though he had promised her he would. He spoke those wedding vows, and he'd meant them from the bottom of his heart. Her family - they had to hate him now more than ever.

Her words shocked him, and he met her eyes carefully. But it wasn't a gaze she kept long, instead taking her tea and moving into the other room. The words - it almost gave him hope. She didn't hate him, what they had couldn't be dismissed. Could it be possible that, in some, she still loved him? He followed her slowly, taking a seat next to her on the couch. He reached over gently at her next words, patting her knee gently.

"I know. I don't know how to do this either...I never did really. I made it up as I went, surprised you ever even gave me the time of day," he replied softly, his mind wandering back to the days. Back to the time he had proposed, those feelings flooding over him. No, they had never left. He'd just locked them away, denying his heart what it had always wanted. "I'm sorry. I should have never left, and if I could change my actions I would. I'd take it back and never walk out that door."

But the past wasn't about to change, that was a sure fact. There was nothing he could do. He couldn't bring James and Lily back, he couldn't make himself not be a coward. It wasn't possible. The only thing they could change now was the future. "Whatever you need from me now, don't hesitate to let me know. I'm here for you and Lowell."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Curled up on the couch with her knees to her chest, a head aching with the amount of information that had been dropped on her, Charlotte was more lost than she had been since accepting that Remus would never return. She had grown so much in these last years, realizing that she didn’t need him to support herself and her son, she didn’t need him to have her family, she didn’t need him to be happy. But with Lowell gone this last year, Char realized just how much she had isolated herself here in this cottage, buried herself in her work and in raising him, so much so that when he was away she was very much lonely and alone.

The thought of opening up to anyone new was enough to scare her off of it - who could really understand her if they hadn’t gone through life with her? No amount of storytelling could make someone feel as if they had been by her side during Hogwarts, during the war, during these years of struggle and growth.

Letting someone else in would allow them the opportunity to leave.

The thought of opening up to Remus again was just as terrifying.

But here he was, back, full of earnest promises and gentle touches. If they were to move forward, they couldn’t be exactly how they were; they were much too changed. But they had been good for each other, and could be again. Neither had to be so alone. They had so much history that it had been difficult to imagine living her life with anyone else, even when he had long since disappeared. Letting him back in...there was so much potential for good - Lowell would know his father, and being around her and the child would be so good for Remus, she knew, they could be a family - as well as bad. If he backed out of the Unbreakable Vow she was planning for him, he would die, which would be absolutely horrendous. You may want to reconsider that idea.

But if there was no vow and he left? Lowell wouldn’t have lost a father he never met, a man built into realism of her own stories and a few old pictures. He would lose a father he already loved, and although she didn’t doubt the boy’s strength, he deserved so much better than that.

How can you trust him at all -

    If he really wants this of his own free will, isn’t that the best you could hope for -

Damn everything, you can’t deny you’ve missed him -

The slight bounce in the couch as he sat brought Charlotte out of her racing mind a tad, and at his careful touch she set down her tea, pushing back her thoughts to hear him properly. Remus’ admitting to never really knowing what he was doing coaxed a reluctant smile from her. "We were quite a match," she said just as quietly, swallowing as she observed him from this close, taking in his recent injuries, how much he’d aged, how worn his tired eyes had become. But under the physical and emotional scars was the man she'd loved, she could spy a bit of him here or there, in his laughter lines, in the warmth of eyes that had seen too much. Could she love the man he had become? His being around had always brought her home, centered, and her heart hurt at realizing he was up to it again, calming her down with nothing more than a simple touch and honest words. How is it that still no one knows me, effects me, like you? As Remus continued, the young woman wondered if she was believing him now because she so wanted to, or because it was the truth.

Charlotte wanted to believe it was the truth. For however strong she had become, she was weak to him - and if he was changing for the better, was that a bad thing? She wanted it so badly that she nodded, and in a decisive, impulsive, motion had pulled him to her. The kiss was not loving or soft but hard; it was not a promise of any more, but it was a test, a show of trust.

And it felt good.

"If you leave us again," she said breathlessly as she pulled away, shaking but steady as tears pooled in her eyes, "I’m warning you now - don’t come back."

[Remus Lupin]

Today was a whirlwind of emotions, both good and bad. He didn't know how she was taking this all in without kicking him out or collapsing, but then again, he didn't know how he was handling this information either. His mind was constantly going, as it had been since it had discovered the truth about Sirius and Peter. But he knew what he wanted, and this time he wasn't going to run for it. That he was sure. As much fear as he had in his heart, he could do this. He'd been scared before the war, yet he'd willingly become a soldier.

Being a father was more intimidating though. He had no father skills, and he didn't have a good father to base his actions off of.

But he would do this. He could. Charlotte would be there to help him, she could give him pointers. She could have given him pointers back in the day as well. She'd done it alone so far, and that was his fault. He had never considered back then that he wouldn't be alone. He knew she would be there, but he'd still felt so alone. Thinking back on it now, it was absolutely ridiculous. He was a coward, that was for sure.

You could have stayed. You could have been the father Lowell deserved.

He would do it now though, that was for sure. He wasn't going to let his father's actions when he was growing up impact him, although he was going to let Lyall Lupin have a few words for keeping the fact that Charlotte had given birth to his son a secret for 11 years. He met Charlotte's eyes as she spoke about them being a good match, giving a nod of agreement. They had been perfect together. Everyone had said so.

Suddenly her mouth was on his, her hand playing with his hair that had grown a little too long. A kiss, an absolutely perfect one. Something he had dearly missed, and he moved his had to cup her head, confusion in his eyes as she pulled away. He wanted to kiss her again, to hold her and just sit for a while. Her words were what he needed to hear, and he used his thumb to brush at her tears.

"I'm never leaving again. I will die before that happens," he responded, placing a kiss on her forehead. He had questions that would need answers, as he was sure that she did. But those could wait. They could figure out whatever this was over time, just as they had done before. Pulling away, he rested his arms on his knees, looking down at the ground. "Lowell...he's not like me. I know that. But does he have any...is he....like me at all? Weird tendencies or anything?"

[Charlotte Fudge]

In the moment before her impetuous kiss, Charlotte wondered if her ex-husband had thought this would be what she needed from him. She hadn't even known she needed it until now, and perhaps it was foolish, but she was in too deep now to stop. She had no right to kiss him, and she knew it - they weren't married, they hadn't seen each other in over a decade, and although she hadn't dated, who was she to say that he hadn't either? He could be with someone, just waiting to bring it up in this conversation, figuring out how to fit her into the family he was wanting to rejoin.

Thankfully - thankfully - the kiss was accepted. Remus moved to hold her, smoothing away the tears that fell from her eyes after. Charlotte meant what she said - if he left again, there would be no returning. She wouldn't subject Lowell or herself to that, she wouldn't grant him a third chance. Her son deserved a father who kept his promises, and it was time for Remus to be that man.

So the young woman nodded at his words, feeling like a girl again as he tenderly kissed the anxious lines of her forehead, reassuring her with words of gravity she hadn't anticipated. During the war, their friends had used such extreme statements. "I'll die before I stop fighting Him." "I'll die before I let them take you." "I'd rather die than give up."

Unfortunately, many of them had followed through with the sentiments.

In the wake of his words Remus made some sort of respectable distance between them again, giving her a little space to come to terms with what she'd just done. She hadn't kissed anyone since him - besides Lowell's cheeks, of course - and was horribly out of practice. But they'd...they'd almost felt like themselves there.

Not all of their kisses had been seamless before, after all. They'd climbed awkward hurdle after awkward hurdle as a couple, and maybe it was only fitting on this reunion to share a kiss.

Do stop thinking about it, he's asking about Lowell.

Charlotte let out a chuckle at Remus' remark of their son having "weird tendencies," getting up to grab a photo album from a nearby bookshelf. "He's not like you like that, no. But he's definitely like you, Remus. See for yourself."

She handed him the album and sat near him to see the smiling boy as he did, providing commentary for the stories that went along with the pictures, looking to see his reactions from time to time. It was heartening, honestly, to share this with him, to start filling in the pieces of the life they could have shared together - it prompted images of the life they had left that they could share. Lowell's likeness to Remus became even more apparent to her now that the latter was actually here. "There he is fixing tea - takes it very particularly, gets that from both of us, I warrant...first day of primary, I did his magical education at home but thought it prudent for him to go to the local muggle school and make friends...him and Paisley, of course, neither has a green thumb but there was a phase where they were quite adamant about gardening...books, always more books, his favorite reading spot is where yours was, actually..."

[Remus Lupin]

Remus had been petrified to show up on her doorstep for many reasons. He hadn't seen her in 12 years, he knew nothing about her. What if she had moved on, what if someone else was there? He was going to drop news that would twist her world upside down, ask about his son. It simply wasn't a visit that had any sort of good outcome. That was what he had thought, what he had convinced himself before he had knocked on her door.

He hadn't expected her to kiss him like she had spent 12 years missing his touch.

A kiss he wanted to think about, and would think about, for days. It brought back memories, both happy and sad, and feelings about her that he had thought were gone and suppressed. It was as if, for a moment - they were them. The them they could have been, together and raising a son. A son that he wanted to know so much about, because he'd foolishly missed so many years of his life.

Charlotte moved to grab a photo book, calming him in a way about Lowell. He opened the book happily, fighting back tears as he looked down at the smiling face as Lowell - his son. A son that took after him in tiny ways that Remus would have never imagined. He nodded and smiled as Charlotte pointed out pictures, laughing as he realized just how much Lowell did seem like him. It made his heart ache, knowing there was no way he could fix all those years of being gone. But he could make new memories.

Closing the book, he looked over at Charlotte with a smile. "He's perfect Char. You did such a good job. He's smart, loyal. He's everything that is good in this world and I have you to thank for that." He leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, before moving away and stroking the spine of the photo album. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. And Daisy...her daughter. She needed someone as well. Do you think she'll tell her, about Peter? About how he didn't actually die? And Lowell...how much does he know? About his Uncles and Aunts?"

[Charlotte Fudge]

You're forgiving him? Seriously? After everything?

An inner voice sounding peculiarly like her brother at seventeen was shouting at her, the affection in her look towards Remus apparently setting it off.

I'm on my way to it, yes.

    You've gone nutters -

Is it not better to forgive than to hold on to anger? He wouldn't come back if he didn't want to commit. If I trust that, if I trust him, we could be a family. All three of us, we deserve that chance.

    Don't come crying to me when he -

You and I both know I didn't before.

That seemed to shut the voice up, and she could almost see Rufus' red face, scrunched up with undisguised fury, just as it had been that day by the lake so many years ago. Things had changed for them all that day - her relationship with Remus had progressed, and quickly, while her relationship with her brother could never go back to the way things were before. She had grown too much to be the obedient little girl who uncomplainingly did his coursework and covered for him, and he hadn't ever really accepted that she was growing up. That she was grown up. Over these last years, he'd been just as absent as Remus, besides one lovely visit where he'd declared she was getting what she deserved, after he'd heard her husband had left her...

Now's not the time for that.

It was the time for sharing stories about her son, a son who would, if things went well, soon have both parents in his life and know it. There was no way Charlotte could truly catch Remus up on everything that had happened in his absence, but she was trying to paint him a picture, color flooding onto the blank canvas with each small story told, bit by bit starting to take shape. Remus' guard was dropping, what of it had been left, and he was laughing along with her, smiling, teary-eyed. She could hardly handle seeing him like this, so touched by the images and stories about his son, so determined to be in their lives.

But receiving praise from him about Lowell was still so new, or perhaps it was just all of the emotions of the visit, but she was nearly moved to tears again herself. That was high praise, and her their boy...he really was one of the good ones. Remus moved in, and for a moment Charlotte thought she was in for a kiss - but his lips only touched her forehead, tenderly, before he leaned back again. It was so - so incredibly odd to get affection from him, and she was torn between just pulling him in for the snog she felt they both needed (they had worked out the kinks in that department rather well, after the initial awkwardness) and putting her own walls back up. She could hardly believe her instinct was to let him back in, and she was fighting against the more logical side of herself in this. Fighting fervently. Because, her heart battled back, Lowell does deserve to know his father. He's curious, clever, and he'll find ways to hunt him down on his own one day if you don't let Remus back. This is for the best, it really is...

"Thank you, Remus," she said, although his next words did cause a bit of a worry for her. Charlotte cleared her throat, wondering just how much of this story was hers to tell. Hands starting to wring in her lap, she looked to him. "Daisy chose to keep Paisley unaware of Peter," she said carefully. "Tilden has been wonderful to them, a father to Paisley in everything but blood. I'm not sure what she'll do now, to be honest. And Lowell..." The young woman sighed, eyes shifting from Remus to the photos decorating the room. There was little decor that showed what her life had been before her son, and it was purposeful. Moving pictures of Lowell and Paisley toddling around together, of Tilden and Daisy's wedding, of herself and the boy...this is what she had focused on. Telling her son he had been conceived as a war ended, a war that had split their community in two, a war that had killed so many she loved, a war that had irreparably changed his father...

"He wants to know more than I've told him," she said evasively after a moment or two of collecting her thoughts. "He knows there was a war, he knows you and many of our friends were soldiers in it. He knows that not everybody made it, and that's why we go to Godric's Hollow with Daisy's family at least once a year. I've tried to give him enough to keep him satisfied, but he has so many questions. Not knowing if you'd ever...I wasn't sure exactly what to say. In case you did come back. I told him his father went missing in action, and that it - " She swallowed uncomfortably, because this was the lie she'd wanted to believe, a lie that was easier to stomach than the truth. "And that it was hard for me to talk about. He's a good boy, he tries not to ask much, for my sake."

[Remus Lupin]

What Remus faced now as all uncharted waters. His own father had hardly been a figure there for him, and the father he had known - well he had never been his. He had memories of Charlus, and memories of James. And that was all he really knew when it came to raising a child. He could teach them - yes - although some of his methods hadn't been the most practical. But that was far different than having one of your own, guiding them in the right direction. You won't be alone. Charlotte's already laid the foundation. Charlotte, the love of his life. A flame in his heart that had never died, only found a place to hide. She'd done the perfect job, raised such a caring boy. All on her own.

And being next to the woman who made his heart skip beats, the mother of his child - it was difficult to contain his thoughts and emotions. She was letting him back in, and boundaries needed to be respected. If she wanted more from him, if she wanted him back in that manner, she would make a move. She kissed you. Remus ignored his thoughts, his own internal struggle. A kiss wasn't consent to anything more. And as much as he wanted another one, a kiss on her forehead wasn't going to cross any lines.

He couldn't understand why she was thanking him for simply stating the truth, but he didn't press the issue. Instead, her next words caused a panic in his chest. He sat the photo album down in front of him, running his hands through his hair before finally resting his face. Daisy's daughter didn't know about her father. And to be honest, perhaps that was better. Especially considering that he had turned out to be the traitor. But Peter - he would go to find Daisy. He'd done what he did to protect the girl he loved and himself, in some way. And while Remus was angry, he understood. Which only made him more upset. If Peter went look for Daisy, if he found her. If he found their daughter. "I'm glad Tilden was there for her...but she's not safe. Not if Peter knows where to find her. Not if Peter knows he has a child." Perhaps Daisy already knew that, but he hadn't even bothered to make sure she would be okay.

But hearing the pain in Charlotte's voice as she spoke about Lowell, knowing the lie that she had given their son - he forgot his struggle and pulled her into a hug. Stroking her hair gently, he felt himself fighting back tears. "I'm so sorry Charlotte. I can't make up for lost time, I don't know how. I never should have left....and if you wish, I can follow your story. For Lowell's sake, for yours." He couldn't bring himself to speak of Godric's Hallow, to think about what had happened there. He'd never been, not once in the years he had been gone. He would have to go soon, that much he knew.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Her words caused a reaction, Remus looking stricken as he absorbed them. Charlotte stiffened, watching him carefully. In that moment, it was like they'd hardly been apart, how she could see his quick mind working to produce some sort of next step regarding their old friends. But if he'd been with her still, if things had gone as planned, well - she'd not only know that he was thinking, but what as well. As it was, there was a lag, and at his words it was her turn to worry. "He knows," she said immediately. "Or - he knew she was pregnant, at the very least. Daisy told him, before everything happened. Do you really think...do you really think Peter will go after them?" Until this conversation, Peter coming back from the dead would have been miraculous, something to be overjoyed about. But if what Remus said was true, and Peter had been the double agent responsible for James and Lily's deaths - he wasn't the friend they'd believed him to be. He wasn't someone to be trusted. Charlotte knew that there had to be reasons for his turning on his dearest friends, but if he'd brought death to the Potters...

"Remus - what do we do?" she asked, fear for her friend gripping at her heart. Daisy needed time to process, to figure out what she wanted to tell Paisley, if anything. An on-the-run Peter crashing back into her life, a Peter that Charlotte didn't even think Daisy would be able to predict or control, was the last thing she needed. If Peter was as desperate as he appeared - living as a rat for more than ten years was undeniably desperate - there was no telling what he'd do. Would he try and take Daisy and their daughter with him? Hurt Tilden for taking his place? Charlotte didn't want to think it, but she didn't know what to think about him anymore.

This whole conversation was insane, and she was certain she'd wake up tomorrow doubting it'd ever occurred. Not only was Remus here, not only was she letting him back in, but everything they had believed about the night the war ended was a lie. Trust was misplaced, an innocent man sent to Azkaban, and people she loved were possibly in danger from someone who, in another lifetime, would have protected them. It was all feeling wrong, just as wrong as when Remus had left. Everything had spiraled out of control after the Potters had died - the wizarding world was rejoicing at being rid of You-Know-Who, while their friends-turned-family had broken, shattered in the wake of the tragedy.

None of this should have happened.

In speaking about her cover-up, Charlotte tried to stay calm. It was hard to admit this to him, and as the words left her she just felt foolish. She'd been so young when she had come up with the story, so young and full of hope that he would return in a timely enough manner for the story to make sense. This was the home they had lived in together, after all - if he really had gone missing and survived, it was the first place he would have looked for her, for them. So many years later, with no word of that war for so long...what will Lowell believe? At the thought, the young mother was hit with guilt at wanting to keep deceiving her child. He was growing up, and through this first year at Hogwarts had begun to see the cracks in the world, the cruelty that there was, the mistakes that were made by even the most trusted adults. (Because, really, was the board of governors going to find a better Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher than Professor Lupin?)

So as Remus pulled her into him, his arms secure around her, she let herself lean into him, some of the stress of it seeping out of her. She nodded at his growing-familiar apology, so unsure of what to do. A vindictive and still-hurting part of her wanted Remus to own up to what he'd done, to tell Lowell he had left them, to apologize and ask for forgiveness. That part of her didn't want to cover for him, to use the war as an excuse, to let him live the lie instead of own up to the more difficult truth.

She nodded against him, his emotion making her wipe her own eyes again before patting his chest. "We'll figure it out, Remus - still have a few days before he comes home, we'll decide on something by then."

[Remus Lupin]

Even though they had been apart, it was clear that their minds still worked together. She sensed his panic and stiffened, and while he didn't know what was going through her mind exactly, he could tell that they were both thinking the same thing. There was no telling what Peter would do, and now they both knew what he was capable of. It was a dangerous situation. And when Charlotte confirmed that Peter had known Daisy was pregnant..."I don't know him anymore Char. He might go after them. He might not like that Daisy got re-married. I don't think he would hurt her, or hurt his daughter. But after what he did, how can I say that he wouldn't?"

There was so much uncertainty that he couldn't answer Charlotte. He had no idea what they were supposed to do. Daisy was a smart witch, and she knew her ex-husband. If she thought she needed to run, she would. He had no doubt that she would take her daughter and run if need be. And perhaps it would be best if she did that without him and Charlotte knowing. Maybe she would be safer that way. "I don't know. We have to trust that Daisy will tell us what she needs."

He wasn't sure if keeping that lie that Charlotte told Lowell going was the best option, but it would also be cruel for Lowell to think that his mother had lied to him all these years. Still, whatever she decided he would follow. She knew what was best for their son, that was obvious. He had to trust her without any questions, that was the only way he was going to be able to learn how to be a parent as good as her. "Should I go stay with my father until then or...should I stay here? I can sleep on the couch."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte tried to calm her worries for Daisy and her family, nodding along to his partially-reassuring words. Daisy was no longer the terrified girl who'd run to her crying upon finding out she was pregnant, after all - she had survived Peter's "death," raised a wonderful daughter, and found love again. It wouldn't do to underestimate her caution, seeing as how well underestimating Peter had served them all. He had been family, but how long had he been planning to turn on James and Lily? On all of them? He'd led to their deaths, to Harry's isolation, to Sirius' imprisonment, Daisy's misery...she had too many questions, questions that would likely never have answers. "It's like he went mad, Remus," she said quietly after a few moments of thought, looking up to meet his eye sadly. "How could he...what could have possessed him to do all this?" Sighing, she repositioned herself and leaned her head onto his chest. They had used to fit so well - and with an odd flutter of her heart, she felt her head sink back into the once-familiar nook between sternum and shoulder.

The question of what to tell Lowell was also one that wouldn't have an answer today - they had much to discuss, much trust to repair, before finalizing their approach. But at hearing of his suggestions of where to go...you really don't have a home anymore - where have you been this whole time? Char turned to look up at him at that, smiling with some of her old fondness for him, even though agreeing to his stay on the couch instead of their bed didn't feel particularly right. One step at a time, if it's what's good for the both of us. "You should stay here, at least for now." Unsaid but possibly not unheard was an undercurrent of you've been gone long enough. "Do you need to go get anything? We can make room..."

[Remus Lupin]

Charlotte’s words about Peter hung in the air, eating at Remus’ chest. Because he knew exactly what she meant. The Peter he had considered his brother, “Uncle Peter” to James’ and Sirius’ children. The Peter who was the best man at his and Charlotte’s wedding. That Peter wouldn’t have betrayed them, it just didn’t make sense. He had been their family, been through so much with him. So Remus couldn’t answer the question, because he didn’t know. And he doubted he would ever know what possessed Peter to betray them all. “I wish I could answer that question for you Char. I don’t know if we will ever know…”

He was so unsure of asking the question, knowing quite well that his place wasn’t in this house anymore. He had sacrificed that right so many years ago. Besides, he knew his father would take him in. At least Lyall was retired now, and wouldn’t have to face the following shame that would happen as the news got out that the famous Lyall Lupin’s son was a werewolf. The fears his father had always clung to were going to become true, and yet Remus couldn’t even think about caring. “Thank you, I appreciate it. I don’t think my father and I are ready to face each other after this.” But Remus understood the tone, and his heart almost skipped a beat. The fondness in her face, and the tone of her voice spoke volumes to him.

“I can have Dumbledore send my trunk here, although I’m sure he already knows where I am.”

[Charlotte Fudge]

As their eyes met at her acceptance of his plan to stay, Char felt a good thirteen years younger. The dust was by no means settled between them, and they surely had many more arguments in store, and much to decide in terms of Lowell, and she was certain they would have their better days and their worse days, as they had when they were young. But the most important thing was that they were in this together again. She didn't have to do this all on her own anymore, she didn't have to wonder where he was or why he had left, she didn't need to worry about Lowell not having a father or father-figure.

They could shift towards being a family, and the shifts would need to be small, she knew. Staying up late on this couch, steaming mugs of tea in hand as they wracked their brains for stories to share, voices low as to not wake their sleeping child. Outings as the three of them to that old second-hand bookstore near their first apartment, where perhaps one or two workers were still left who would remember them as the young couple in love they had once been. If she could loosen the reins, as she was sure Lowell would beg for and Remus would want (regardless of how intimidated he may be - or perhaps his year of teaching had done him well, eased his fears about children a bit), they could go out as the father-son pair that they were...

And one day, maybe, maybe, they could go out not as the mother-father pair that they were, but...did you ever really stop loving him?

So Char gave a smiling nod to his words, taking one of his hands in both of hers as she steeled herself for the world of possibilities that this was opening up. It was nerve-wracking, it was terrifying, it was exhilarating, it was grounding, all at once. "Remus, I...I know none of this is going to be easy, but I'm...I'm so glad you came home."