Where did I go wrong? | 8 Nov 1981 - Godric's Hollow} Willa

[Remus Lupin]

"I'm so, so sorry." Remus whispered under his breath. The chilly air of the first snowfall of the year chilled his neck, but Remus didn't care about the cold. Staring down at the at the gravestones in Godric's Hollow, Remus only felt emptiness. While the world around him continued on, and those in the wizarding world continued rejoicing it was as if his world had ended. He had never once believed he would receive what he had out of life, and now the world had done nothing but take it away from him. His world had twisted and changed beyond recognition. He shouldn't be standing at their graves. They were 21, they had Harry. They had their whole lives ahead of them but here he was, looking down at their headstones as tears threatened to fall down his face.

If only he had seen things sooner, hadn't distanced himself. He could have saved them, could have convinced them that the words Sirius had been spewing into their ears was nothing more than a bunch of lies. He had done his job as he had been asked by Dumbledore. The last thing he wanted to do every month was join a pack of filthy monsters and act like he wanted to be with them. To transform with the man who had ripped his childhood away from him every month - how could they have ever thought he was spying for them? That he would betray his friends and the Order?

And yet, Sirius had done just that. Fed the Dark Lord information about the Order, and then betrayed his own brother and his sister-in-law. Killed another one of their brothers', leaving Daisy a widow at 20 and pregnant with Peter's child. And Willa, had Sirius even thought about how he had destroyed her life? They had children...and yet Sirius had thrown everything away. So perhaps it had been easier to accept that Remus was trying to betray them all, because Remus still couldn't accept it now, even staring down at their graves.

And he'd avoided everyone besides his wife since the funeral. He'd barely spoken to anyone that day, let alone Willa. He knew she was hurting just as much as him, if not even more. Because her husband had been behind this. And it have to sit there at the funeral of their friends, with Daisy there as well - not even able to have a funeral for Peter. That had not been an easy day for any of them.

[Willa Robbins]

As much as she thought it over - and she had been, exhaustingly so - Willa couldn't piece all of this together. There were a number of things she knew to be true.

- The war was over
- James, Lily, Peter, twelve Muggle civilians, and You-Know-Who were dead
- James, Lily, and Harry had been ambushed at home by You-Know-Who
- Harry had miraculously survived
- The Potter home had been under the protection of a Fidelius Charm, with Sirius as the Secret Keeper
- Sirius and Peter had had a public confrontation the next day, leading to so many more deaths
- Sirius had been sent to Azkaban without a trial
- The papers said Sirius was responsible for the deaths

But he would never do this.

The Potters had been home. They should have been safe - the only way for You-Know-Who to have gotten in was for the Secret Keeper to tell him himself. But imagining Sirius going to him and turning in his family? He would never do this. Every bit of it was maddening, contradictory, and she kept talking herself in circles. She knew that there had been talk amongst Order members about a spy within the ranks, which had led to feuds between the members, including an explosive rift separating Sirius and Remus. But neither of them - neither of them could have done this of their own volition. There had to be more to this story, because her husband had not been plotting the deaths of his closest friends. It wasn't possible.

Yes, all of the evidence collected pointed to Sirius, but she knew him. She knew how much they meant to him. She knew with every part of her that he would never have willingly given up the Potters, or given up a future with her and their children.

What she needed was to see him, to talk to him, to get the truth out of him. But it wasn't as if one could just waltz into Azkaban, especially when one was nearly due to have a child.

Her mind had been both manically scattered and decidedly focused these last days, knowing she should be resting but unable to. There was so much to do, so many projects needing her immediate attention. And besides, when she rested? When she tried to sleep? She kept Georgie and Jo awake with tears she couldn't keep silent, the feeling of futility at her efforts (because who would listen to the wife of a "murderer"?) colliding swiftly with the suffocating feeling of loss. Because James and Lily were dead. Harry had been taken to his aunt and uncle's when he should be with her. And Sirius was in Azkaban.

She needed them all, but nothing could bring back James and Lily.

She'd been writing to her old headmaster, begging him daily to reconsider everything. Harry belonged with her - she knew the relationship between Lily and her sister, and that home was not one for Harry to grow up in. The Dursleys had never even met him! And Sirius deserved to be heard, to be given a trial, and she needed to see him. She'd been writing to Kingsley and other old friends in places of power, anyone she could think of, to try and remedy what she could.

Because this wasn't over.

It couldn't be.

The last time she saw Sirius wasn't going to be that horrible day. He was going to explain everything, prove his innocence, and come home. He would be home before the baby came, she couldn't do this on her own, imagining him alone in a cell in that place, nothing to do but think about how James was dead - it was enough to drive her mad -

You'll bring Sirius back. You have to.

With as much as she was doing to try and fix what she could to avoid thinking about the tragedies, Willa knew where she needed to be this morning, and bundled up against the November cold. She kissed the girls goodbye - with a promise to be back before lunch - and headed out. With the flurry of activity she'd thrust herself into, recruiting help from who she could (an immensely frustrating effort, seeing as how many "friends" were all to quick to believe the Prophet), she hadn't taken time since the funeral to visit James and Lily's graves. There was talk of a memorial, and "authorities" were deciding what was to be done with the house, but for now her friends lay quietly beneath the ground, a simple headstone marking their resting places. She stopped by a flower shop to pick out a bouquet, charming it discreetly on the way so it would weather the cold, and soon found herself walking a walk she felt would become a familiar one.

But it seemed she hadn't been the only one missing James and Lily today.

Seeing Remus there - frankly, it nearly made her turn back. Things had been tense between them for months, and as much as she could tell, he truly believed Sirius was responsible for everything.

However - they did have common ground here, both taking the time and trying to free their minds enough to feel the grief of losing their friends. Friends who would not be pleased if they fought over their graves. That in mind, Willa took a breath to steady herself before coming to his side. She gave him a strained smile before levitating the bouquet over to rest with the others, cold hands seeking refuge deep in her pockets afterwards. She stood in silence, staring at the grave, the weight of this moment feeling like too much to handle the longer she was there, shaking from more than just the cold. "I can go, if you want to be alone with them," Willa said quietly, abruptly, unsure if she was ready to talk with them here, uncertain if she could even share the space with him without a fight.

[Remus Lupin]

At the end of the day, the fact that James and Lily Potter were dead was his fault. He should have seen the signs, should have realized that Sirius pointing the blame towards him had only been to cover the guilt that Sirius was feeling about what he was going to do. What could the Dark Lord possibly have offered Sirius that he would turn on his family like that? Remus knew he would never know, there was no way. It wasn't like he could simply show up at Azkaban and demand answers. And letters to Dumbledore asking him to work something out were currently being unanswered.

It was like their old headmaster wanted nothing to do with him. Remus had been outraged at finding out where Harry had been taken. Petunia Dursley was not going to be able to give Harry the life he deserved. Everyone in the magical world was going to know that boys name. Harry should be with family that cared about him. He should be with Willa - no.

Sure, Willa was the most likely person. She already had a child, and another due by the end of this month. But she was married to Sirius, and that just didn't sit right with Remus. The thought of Harry being with the woman whose husband betrayed the Potter's. And while he was still uncomfortable around the kid, he would have taken him in. Charlotte and him, they could have easily taken in Harry. He deserved a life with those who loved him, not with a woman who probably didn't even know Harry was alive up until Lily and James had....

Rubbing his eyes, he took a few slow breathes to calm himself. He would right this situation, no matter what it took. His family, other than Charlotte, was all gone. His father didn't count, they hadn't been in contact since his mother had died. It was just him and Char, two people trying to navigate their pain and confusion in all of this aftermath. Sirius needed to pay for what he had done, and Azkaban didn't seem like enough. Not when there were questions that needed answers and -

He turned his head sharply at the sound of a voice, unable to hide his surprise. Willa. Clearing his throat, he directed his attention back down towards the headstone. He didn't want to see her, he wasn't ready to talk. The only thing he could feel towards her was anger - and this wasn't even her fault. Taking a few breathes to steady himself, he shook his head. "No, it's fine," he whispered hoarsely. She deserved to visit them as well, there was a chance she was as completely shocked as the rest of them at the actions of her husband.

"How are you doing?" he managed to ask, knowing full well how dumb of a question it was. It was clear nothing was fine with Willa, just like nothing was fine with him. "I mean, with the pregnancy and all. Things still okay?"

[Willa Robbins]

It seemed Remus had been so deep in his mind that he hadn't noticed her arrival, not acknowledging she was there beside him until she spoke - and then? Shite, but she didn't want to be on the receiving end of a look like that from him again! Willa understood his anger as well as she could, she understood the evidence from Halloween, she understood that he and Sirius had been at each other's throats for months and that her presence wouldn't be wholeheartedly welcome. They were far away from their Hogwarts years now, far away from the time when they could walk together and talk of nothing but the weather or classes and part as friends.

She didn't want him angry with her - never wanted anyone angry with her - but perhaps this was a mistake, engaging with him.

Because what was separating them now, well - her stance wasn't something she would cede easily. And she couldn't see him changing his mind either. He hadn't been one she'd reached out to, knowing how convinced he'd already been of Sirius' guilt before anything had happened to James and Lily.

You're both on edge, take it easy.

So she gave a nod at his rough whisper, letting her mind drift to their friends as they stood in silence, her eyes closing as she tried to block things out.

I know I should've been here sooner. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all of this - I know you knew you were in danger, we all did, but I can't imagine you thought it would ever come to this. I know I didn't.

    I'm going to fix things for Harry, I promise. He's going to have a home with us, and Sirius - you know Sirius didn't do this. And the cat showed up at our door, so you don't need to worry about that...please don't be worrying about anything...

Remus spoke, drawing both her look and her ire. Before Willa could stop herself, she spat, "Yeah, it's been a regular holiday."

She swallowed, looking back to the Potters' grave with a stomach full of guilt, and took a moment. Her hands clenched and unclenched in the pockets of her coat, the wind slicing through her tights. "I'm sorry," she said stiffly, "I know you can't be doing well either. We're as good as can be expected. My sister's staying with us, she's been making sure the house runs. I should probably start going back to work, but I just..." The young woman clamped her jaw, trying to swallow back her tears with shaky breaths through her nose. She'd been calling in, and her sick days were dwindling - but she couldn't imagine being at the school, having to perform for her students when she could hardly keep herself together in front of her daughter. Georgie had been through so much in her short life already that Willa couldn't let her see Sirius being gone as him abandoning them - this was temporary, and they would be back to being a family, all together again.

They just needed a chance.

"The baby's fine," Willa continued after composing herself as well as she could. Truth be told, thinking about the baby was terrifying. She'd been wary enough of this as it was, not knowing anything about babies other from what she'd picked up from helping with the children of her friends. But imagining - although she hated to do so - the very real possibility of Sirius not being there for the birth? Of not being there at all? It rose a panic within Willa, and she willed the baby to stay put, just until she could bring her father back home. "She's healthy. Won't be long until we meet her. Have you - have you seen Harry?" She looked up at him, curiosity mixed with concern and a bit of hope. Because maybe he had, maybe he'd been able to hold the last Potter - he was just a toddler, and she couldn't imagine how Petunia and Vernon were caring for him, loving him how he needed to be loved. He'd lost his family, and he hadn't gained them in the Dursleys. "I've been writing Dumbledore - not that I know what gives him the authority - but he's not returning any of my letters."

[Remus Lupin]

Staring down at the headstone with Willa near him shouldn't have felt this awkward. It shouldn't have felt like he was standing near someone he hardly knew. They had been friends for ages, always able to chat about such simple things. But it was because of this gravestone, because of the death of their friends that they could never go back to the way things were before. None of this should have ever happened, and yet here they were, both lost in their own thoughts and bitterness about things.

He wasn't surprised by the look she gave him, or the words that she said. She was irritated by him being there - something he should have expected. He took a step back and crossed his arms, staring at her intently as she took a minute to gather herself. If she had something to say to him, this wasn't the place for it. That they both knew. He gave a nod at her words, looking down at the ground before he replied. "Don't think they are going to blame you for taking more time off, considering all that has happened."

It was the unspoken words that he knew she would understand. Their friends had been murdered, and her husband had been arrested and sent to Azkaban. He hardly doubted that her job would demand her back immediately after that. A lot of places hadn't been functioning, there had been too much celebration in the past week. And now that the war was over, a job was something he didn't have. A situation that Charlotte and him were having to mull over and figure out.

He continued to stare at the ground as she spoke of the baby, only looking up as she mentioned Harry's name. It wasn't surprising that she was also trying to get in touch with Dumbledore, none of them in their world agreed that he was safe with his muggle relations who had so hated everything about magic. "I haven't seen him, been told we aren't supposed to stop by. Dumbledore hasn't been answering my letter's either, Charlotte and I are trying to get him to reconsider his decision. We've got space at our place, he could at least grow up knowing about his family that way."

[Willa Robbins]

"I hope so," was her tired response. Willa wished that Remus was right and the school would agree to grant her some more time. That's another call to make. She was nearly due for the baby, if she could have the next week or two, the baby would come, and then she'd be on maternity, and Sirius would be home, and then she could return...

But as talk turned to the baby, turned to Harry, she felt a cold creep up on her that had nothing to do with the weather. The Lupins were offering their home to Harry? Deep within her, Willa knew they were coming from a place of love, but this wasn't their battle. What if Dumbledore thinks you're better fit than me? Not that I know why he gets to make these decisions - that's another call to make -

"Harry is my godson, Remus," she said flatly, turning to stare at him, unable - unwilling to comprehend what he was saying, because he obviously didn't think she could manage caring for the child. But how could he think Harry would go to him and Charlotte? As his godmother, it was her responsibility to care for him, and she meant to. She would raise him and love him like one of her own, he would have siblings to play with, she would teach him all about his parents...and as overwhelmed as she currently was, she was going to fix his misplacement and do her duty to James and Lily. She loved that little boy, and they had entrusted him to her and Sirius in case...in case something like this happened. While she didn't yet know how she was going to manage caring for all of the children, and as irrational as she knew this was, given the circumstances...I have to. Once things got sorted out with Sirius, once he came home, things would be better. And for the long term, their home was what was best for Harry. Charlotte and Remus didn't have children, and didn't seem to want to have any. They had always seemed so uncomfortable around Harry, and while they were more of the Potters' closest friends, this was still Sirius and her responsibility.

Don't try and take him from me, Remus. Haven't we all lost enough?

"I appreciate the effort to get him away from them, but his home is with me," Willa continued firmly. "I know that sounds mad, given everything, but it's what they wanted." And while she knew her true quarrel wasn't with Remus but with Dumbledore, she couldn't - she couldn't leave here with Remus thinking Harry would wind up with him. They all felt guilty about what had happened, they all wanted to right this in whatever ways they could, but him taking Harry would go directly against what James and Lily requested. And while the boy's godfather was in Azkaban for crimes against them, she was still here, and -

He didn't do it. He can't have done it.

[Remus Lupin]

Remus was caught off guard at Willa's words, his hand nervously entering his pockets. Because they were harsh, not exactly what he had been expecting. He was only trying to do right by his friends, Lily wouldn't have wanted Petunia raising her little boy, not with the way her and Vernon were about the magical world. And Remus was aware that Willa was Harry's godmother, just as Sirius had been the boy's godfather. But Dumbledore had decided against all of them - why did it matter who saved Harry from those muggles?

He wanted to let it slide, but with her words, and the tone. How could he let her think that? About him - and about Charlotte? With fights happening for so long, Sirius accusing Remus of being a traitor. Causing a rift a family, and then destroying it from within. Why would Dumbledore ever give Willa custody of Harry? James would have never made Sirius the godfather if he had known Sirius would betray him like this. "Is it?"

His tone was harsh, and he met her eyes with anger in his. "Would they have wanted their child to be raised by the wife of the person who betrayed them?" Willa wasn't their only friend. Remus had been there for them both, he had known them both. They were his family. "So many months spent blaming me..." He trailed off, biting his tongue. He wouldn't let Willa take Harry away from him.

[Willa Robbins]

The rational part of Willa knew that as long as Harry ended up with Sirius and herself or with other friends of James and Lily's, the child would grow up loved and cared for. The part of her that was dealing with everything, though? With all of the conflicting emotions, the lack of sleep, the grief that was nearly overwhelming and crippling - she wasn't going to let this lie. They had lost so much, and she had been losing every battle this past week, and she couldn't set this argument aside. Because this was her duty, and she would tend to Harry like her own son. It was something she'd agreed to when he was born, and while she'd hoped this day would never come, she'd known what she was agreeing to. And the day was here. She'd let Sirius take Harry outside the day after James and Lily died, had let him speak with Rubeus - and he'd returned empty-handed. She should've chased the caretaker down, and she'd thought that's what Sirius was going to do...and he'd wound up in Azkaban instead of returning with the toddler. Once he's back, never letting him out of my sight. Her guilt was nearly as overwhelming as her grief, because if she'd just kept a better eye on the pair of them...

You'll fix this.

    You have to.

Remus was returning her words in kind, and blue eyes usually bright with kindness, understanding, love, turned steely as she stared up at him. You're not taking him from us. She shook her head, chuckling darkly, and spoke, eyeing her old friend as if seeing him anew. Turning on him like this...he's always called you a brother, even with all of this fighting... 

"You're just going to believe what you see in the papers? They haven't even given him a trial yet, we haven't heard anything he's got to say, they haven't looked at any of his memories - and here you are, passing judgement on Sirius like he's a common criminal, someone you don't know from Adam." Willa knew that Remus had to be feeling...everything that she was. The grief of losing James, Lily, and Peter. The betrayal of a dear friend. (An enormous disagreement here, however.) The overwhelming sense of what now? with the end of the war and the end of so much more than that. "I wish he hadn't gone after Peter, I wish I could've stopped it - but if you're not going to believe me, talk to Daisy. Sirius wasn't the spy." Can't deny what he did to Peter, though. She'd long known that the man she loved was capable of killing, that had been cause for much discomfort and many fights over the years. She hadn't thought him capable of killing a friend...but if James and Lily were dead because of Peter...

Would you have done the same, Remus, if you'd known? If you'd been there with us?

Some of the pieces had yet to fall into place, which is why they needed his testimony, but she knew that much. She wasn't sure how You-Know-Who had gained access to the Potter's house, but Peter (who was surely resting very uneasily) was behind it. Hard to get an admission from a dead man... And Daisy, for all of her present anguish, knew as much.

[Remus Lupin]

It was hard enough seeing Willa here at the their graves, the rational part of his mind trying to desperately remind him that she'd done nothing wrong. Willa had always been a good friend to him, and a good friend to Lily. But she wasn't their only friend, and it was absurd of her to bring up their last wishes with what had happened. Because while yes, Willa and Sirius were Harry's godparents, no one had expected things to end like this. Friendships that were supposed to last a life time had been shattered, and two of his brothers were now gone forever because of the actions Sirius' actions. He couldn't just ignore that, he couldn't believe that Sirius had nothing to do with the death of their friends. Remus had never wanted to be a spy, had begged Dumbledore to reconsider. But a werewolf was only useful for spying on other werewolves, and he hadn't had a choice in the matter. For his brothers to turn against him, to say that he was feeding information to the other side...well it had certainly been easy enough for Sirius to keep the suspicion on Remus.

"I'm unbelievable?" he snapped back, turning fully towards her. This conversation wasn't going anywhere productive, not with how hurt they both were. But for her to bring Daisy into the situation, like she knew a thing about what the poor girl was going through. Willa may have lost her husband, but Sirius was a least alive. The only bit they had found of Peter was a finger, and that had been mailed to his awful mother. Not that Daisy had wanted his finger, but the Pettigrew's had denied her so much more since the death of their son. "I don't trust the papers anymore than you do, but my brothers are dead. And for months I had to sit there and listen to the venom from his lips as he accused me of being a double agent - and you want me to believe he's innocent? I never took you for a fool, Willa."

He shoved his hands in his pockets, biting his lip as he looked down to the grave. Sorry James, I know you wouldn't have wanted this. Clearing his throat, he looked back up to Willa, eyes as cold as hers. "Lily and James were my family, longer than you've even been in the picture. Don't talk to me like you know things about them I don't. And if you truly cared about Daisy, you'd have taken her in. Last I checked she was at my house - completely devastated. The only reason she'd holding herself together is for the baby."

[Willa Robbins]

Never really having had a reason to fight with Remus Lupin before, Willa hadn’t known what to expect when they started unraveling together. But she listened, allowing him to get out what he needed to the way he’d let her, even though she so wanted to spit back. You were both out of line, trying to figure out who the double agent was. It can’t have been either of you. I know it wasn’t either of you. That doesn't excuse what happened to Peter, but...there must be reason for it. Her battered heart went out to the man as well as it could, for he truly was suffering, the only one of the four left free. But could he ever be free? In the wake of this tragedy? They’d seen so much over the course of the war, been through unimaginable heartbreaks, becoming people they didn’t anticipate being, who they didn’t want to be. But the events of that night, that morning…we won’t forget. But how can we move forward?

I can’t do this without you. All of you.

His calling her a fool did well to stop her heart from going to him more, and Willa bit back her words as the wintry wind bit at the two of them. The uncomfortable silence stretched until he spoke again, a hard look to his eye as he met hers. We’re not coming back from this, she thought with finality, the realization coming upon her as he shot back in a way that made her feel like he meant to cause her the hurt now aching even more painfully from her heart. That’s the only reason for both of us, she thought as Remus spoke of Daisy, protectively covering her own pregnant belly. You should write to her though… She wasn’t sure at all of how Daisy would react to hearing from her, but the message would be one of consolation… Would that do more harm than good?

The heat of anger muddled with her hurt and frustration at what was now their lives, and she clenched her jaw, looking to the graves she’d meant to visit in peace today. I’m sorry, Lily, James. Drawing strength from them, she turned to speak to her unexpected adversary. “I don’t have to take this,” she said shortly, facing her old friend with tears of frustration in her eyes. “They did know you longer, I can’t argue with that. But they still chose me. And I will do everything in my power to bring him home. Both of them.” While Willa found such an argument unnatural, to say the least, she was too far gone to back down from saying her piece. She couldn’t believe to change Remus’ mind now, not when they were both so worked up, but...she couldn’t just stop defending Sirius, she couldn’t just stop fighting for Harry. “I’m getting Sirius out of there, Remus,” she said with a swipe to her eyes. “And when I do, we are all going to hear what he has to say, and hopefully find our peace. Can you really pass judgement before then?” With that she turned towards home, hands deep in the pockets of her jacket, one more name crossed off the list of potential help for her crusade.

[Remus Lupin]

He had never fought with Willa like this, not even when it felt like all of his friends had turned against him. He’d expected her to take Sirius’ side then - naturally - seeing as they were married. But Willa was the voice of reason. At least she used to be. One of them needed to be the voice of reason here, but he’d accepted long ago that everything he’d held dear died the night Lily and James had. Things had already been falling apart, but he had never expected this. Too many people had died for this war, too much had been destroyed for it to ever recover. Hell, the only reason he was even still here was because he was avoiding going to his own home. Charlotte had Daisy - she wouldn’t notice if he was just a little too late getting home from his errands. The strain in his own relationship was something that was easier to not think of, not when he could lash out at the rest of the world for the pain they had caused him.

You really are the monster you’ve dreaded becoming.

His words had achieved their goal - this was the last time he would ever see Willa. He was sure of that. Her words were stern, her intention behind them clear. Stay out of it. Like hell he would. He’d met Petunia and Vernon, he’d seen the kind of people they could be. He wouldn’t accept that it was the best for the child of his best friends, and he wouldn’t accept Harry being with anyone but him. Willa - we both know if they’d had more kids Peter and I would have both been godparents. He shook his head at her last, diverting his eyes to the ground. “It’s easier to blame the man who turns into a monster,” he called after her, “No one had difficulty passing judgement on me.”

Turning to face the graves once more, he cursed under his breath, “I failed you both, and I’m sorry.”