Come Back When You Can: Lupin's Cottage: Remus

[Charlotte Fudge]

(set immediately before: fenrir + remus)

Lately, Charlotte had been having doubts, doubts she wanted to share with her husband but was afraid to.

Because although she understood that Remus was unique in the Order, surely he didn't have to do this. Surely Dumbledore could see that this wasn't the right path for her husband to take. Surely Dumbledore knew that her husband was talented, and knew to use his talents to help them win the war instead of using his...furry little problem. She'd hardly ever seen Remus so upset as when he'd come home after receiving this assignment, and it pained her that he was being so blatantly used. Yes, hopefully his unique situation would allow the Order to gain valuable information - but what if the other werewolves saw through his lies? What if the rejected him - or worse, hurt him? Killed him? For trying to infiltrate their pack?

To Charlotte, the risk wasn't worth his life, his sanity, his sense of worth...

(For he'd purposely neglected to take the Wolfsbane Potion this month, and as the full moon grew closer his changes in mood grew harsher, his distaste for this assignment laid unhidden especially as he had to find Fenrir Greyback, his questions of Dumbledore's favors to him throughout the years tumbled out...)

But how could she tell him now, when he was nearly out the door? He was set to leave in a matter of hours, and he had agreed to this, she couldn't put doubts into his mind now, encourage him to stay...

But what if you say nothing and he never comes back?

She'd been busying herself in the living room with work (although she could hardly call this - previewing a book soon to be on the Flourish & Blott's shelves - "work") to try and keep her mind off of things, but their cottage had turned awfully quiet. She couldn't hear Remus anymore, who was doing last-minute preparation in their bedroom. While quiet in their home could mean calm...Char doubted that was the case today. So she marked  her page and padded to their room, giving the partly open door a rap with her knuckles as she came in, a small smile on her face despite her concern for his state. Supportive, be supportive, he needs you for that. "Anything I can help with?"

[Remus Lupin]

He was still overcome with emotions, not sure which one he should be feeling first. When Dumbledore had first come to him with this request, Remus had broken. He'd taken a tone with the older man that he never had before. He understood why it was being asked of him. There was no one else like him in the Order, and any information he could obtain could lead them closer to ending this war. But it simply wasn't fair, to ask this of him. To ask Remus to use information that had been obtained by field agents to go and find Fenrir Greyback, the man who had completely altered Remus life.

And so when he stormed out of the Order, he had come home to Charlotte. The girl who had changed his entire view of the world and what he could expect from it. His wife, a recent change in their life together. Sure, they had been dating offically for over two years, but exchanging those vows that they had altered their relationship. Hell, his parents had given them money to put a down payment on their own house. They had taken big steps in life together, and now Dumbledore just wanted to rip him away from all of that?

He stopped packing, sinking down gently onto their bed. The month since the request had been absolutely exhausting. He'd had gone through so many emotions, eventually breaking down in front of Charlotte and letting them all spill out. He'd stop taking his Wolfsbane potion, knowing that if things went south tonight he would need the full strength of the wolf to make it out alive.

And that was the biggest problem, there was no guarantee that he would make it alive. Fenrir could very well recognize Remus, know of Remus' affilations. Which could lead to death, quite easily. Especially if Fenrir saw through the lie that Remus had so carefully practiced. And if Fenrir didn't, Remus was not good enough to convince the Dark Lord himself if Fenrir insisted that Remus be approved. All he could do was hope that Fenrir's association with the Death Eaters was not that faithful.

Hearing the rap on the door, he turned to see his wife coming in the room. The worry she tried to hide was still evident on her face, and he hated himself even more for accepting. This was where he belonged, not out in the wild with the person who had given him his condition. "Come and sit with me? he asked in response to her question. Once she was seated next to him, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close, resting his lips on the top of her head. "I don't know if this is the right thing to do.

[Charlotte Fudge]

She should have known that what Remus wanted from her was the most simple of things (seeing as they wouldn't have this for a few days at the very least), and her smile became more genuine as she took a seat at his side, slipping an arm around his waist as his came around her shoulders. A sigh escaped her as he laid a kiss on her forehead, and Char rested her head against his chest, listening to his heart's steady rhythm, taking him and this moment in. They tried to find time like this before he left, time to soak the other in before he had to leave. They'd go over the plan again, check his things, she'd give some assurances, and he'd be back before too long. But this just felt...different. Even though he had gone on missions before, of course, that were dangerous and uncertain like this. And he had, obviously, always returned, sometimes a little worse for wear, but he'd always come home.

But this mission...

There was no disguising that it was personal. It was purposely so. Somehow Remus had to convince the werewolf who turned him - out of spite and anger for and against his father - that he wanted to be one of them. Roam with the pack during full moons, reveling in the glory of the gift. Seeing as he had tried so hard to distance himself from that part of him...Char wasn't sure how this was going to work. She knew he would give it his best attempt.

He knew that he had to, if he had any shot of returning.

But what worried her - besides the obvious - was the intimately personal nature of this mission, and its inevitable repetition if this first one went according to plan. He was to pursue this relationship with the pack month by month, moon by moon, and learn what he could. But Remus was more emotionally torn about this than anything he'd been asked to do before, and rightfully so. How distracting that would be out in the field remained to be seen, and Char just hoped he'd be able to keep his feelings in check, not let them distract him, because distractions could lead to slips of the tongue and then...

He's going to do his best. You need to trust that it'll be enough.

So when he spoke, Charlotte nodded against him. "What are you thinking?" she gently prodded, not wanting to speak for him and hoping they could talk through some of the points running around in his mind. If there was a way out of this, that would be amazing, and she couldn't help but hope for it. He already risked so much for the Order, she already worried so much (although she tried not to think like that, what were her worries compared to an end to this war?), that if he could reject this...there's never a guarantee of safety, but isn't anything better than this?

[Remus Lupin]

When he had joined the Order, he had known there was a chance that he would be out in the field. James and Sirius, they had wanted to be agents, irritated from the very beginning at being stuck behind a desk. And Remus, he could understand their desire. The world was in chaos and more people were dying or going missing. But that had never been his desire, to go out and be the hero. And so when he had been assigned his role, and knew he would spend most of his time behind the desk helping arrange the missions.

And sure, there had been moments out in the field, and in those moments he'd spent every second he could with Charlotte in his arms. But this was different than any of those times. He was going to face the person he hated the most in the entire world, and pretend that he wanted nothing more than to follow him. Fenrir had altered Remus' life...and he'd hurt Charlotte. Remus ran his finger gently over the scar on Charlotte's head, trying to swallow the memories from that night that flashed in his mind.

"How can I convince him that I don't despise him? After all he's done to me, to you? I'm walking to my death if I leave...but how can I refuse Dumbledore when he's given me so much?" Remus replied after a few more moments of silence. He had no good reason to go, and plenty of decent reasons to stay. But not a reason that he could see his former Headmaster accepting as a refusal to take this mission. He had accepted Dumbledore's offer to become a solider in this war two years ago, and he couldn't simply change his mind now. Not when the safety of so many people could possibly be assured by him spying on the enemy.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte would say she knew her husband very well - wouldn't have married him if she couldn't honestly say so - but she'd never assert that she knew his every thought, his every reason. His life had been different from hers in so many ways that sometimes it felt they were still playing catch-up with each other, explaining little quirks or thought processes along the way. She'd gotten bits and pieces of his life story as they grew together, and once the secret was out about his furry little problem, the bits and pieces were further explained, better melded together. She knew of his mother and father, the different relationships he had with each, the struggle it had been to keep in any sort of contact with his father since Hope's sudden death; she knew the closeness he'd had to James' parents and the hurt of abandonment that came with their passing.

Lighter things she knew as well, such as what tea to make depending on his mood, or which books to bring home from work to cheer him up, or how to prompt him for more stories about growing up with the boys...

But although she knew him, Charlotte didn't know how this conversation was going to go. She hadn't experienced what he had, she didn't feel the debt he felt towards their old headmaster. She felt as though they were teetering on a line, holding on to each other for balance, but with one mistaken step one or both could fall and be lost. Because she wanted him to reconsider and decide to stay - in a perfect world, that's what would come of this. But if he decided to go, she didn't want him to go with added doubts. Remus already knew how careful he needed to be, and surely he'd thought of everything she'd been mulling over already in the negatives of this. If he went, he needed to know she believed he would come back.

If he leaves and you don't believe that, you're going to drive yourself mad...

    What Albus is asking him to do is mad, so you wouldn't be in bad company.

As Remus softly touched her scar, Charlotte let out a soft sigh, her feeling of unease heightening. He had so wanted to make Fenrir pay for endangering her, but he couldn't possibly...don't make this out of revenge, please don't... As he spoke, his words tore her away from calm, and she turned to look up at him, her usually soft blue eyes sharp in concentration and worry. Before he went on missions she so tried to hide her anxiety, although of course he knew she worried. But this...

The way he speaks, it's a suicide mission.

And that broke any semblance of calm she had.

"How can you?" she asked breathlessly, unable to stay even-keeled even though she knew she should. "This is your life, Remus. No matter how much he's helped you, that doesn't give him the grounds to dictate what you do with the time you have. If you - if you think you're going to your death - " The young woman cut herself off, taking a steadying breath before continuing, eyes searching his frantically. "If you think you're going to your death, then I can't in good conscience not ask you to reconsider. I love you, Remus, and I don't want to lose you over anything, but especially not this. If you don't think you can, or if you think you need more time to prepare, talk with him, please."

[Remus Lupin]

Over the time they had been together, they had learned to communicate. It had been a while, but once the walls had come down he had no issue telling her anything. And more than that, they had learned how to read each other just through body language. He could always tell how nervous she was before he left, even when she wouldn't say. And he was sure she could tell just how anxious leaving her for missions made him. But this was different. They were both experiencing emotions that they hadn't expected to have to go through. Never would he have thought his job to help win this war would be to go to the one person he hated the most in this world.

He looked at her, pain in his chest and his eyes as she spoke to him. She never asked him to stay, never asked him not to go. They both knew that every single time he left, it was a means to achieve a goal. To create a safe world for them, for their friends and family. They had already lost so much with this war. The number of people who died rose constantly, his mother being another number in a list. They had made it through that together, as hard as it had been.

He ran his hand through her hair, looking at her as the silence fell between them. And without speaking, he lowered his lips to hers, giving her a long kiss. He wanted to stay here, with her. But that wasn't his job. Pulling away, he rested his forehead against hers. "I don't know what the outcome of this will be. But Dumbledore gave me this life, here with you. And how else could I possibly thank him than by doing all he asks of me? This isn't a life Greyback was ever given. I don't sympathize with him, but I do know the differences. I just..."

Trailing off as his voice cracked, he closed his eyes and let a silence fall, feeling her breath on his face as they sat there in that moment. "I will talk to him, but I don't think I have a choice Charlotte."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Heart and head collided as she spoke, as she let on to her fears for him - as she good as asked him to stay. She'd always held the urge to do that in, but this mission, the way he spoke of it - how could she just let him go? She searched his pained eyes as he reached for her, gently stroking her hair, and an unbidden guilt threatened to overtake her. Because she should be showing him her faith in him, her trust - but Remus was being honest, so how could she not? She turned up her face to meet his lips when they came for hers, returning his kiss with the love she had for him that drove this conversation. Keeping her eyes closed as he leaned his forehead to hers, listening, Char tensed in trying to hold herself back. From crying, from tearing Dumbledore apart, from begging him to stay - Remus' voice broke and her stomach dropped after he went on. How could he not see the power he did have here?

"You've always got a choice," Charlotte whispered, trying to keep tremors from her voice as she spoke on sharply, emphatically. "It's not like he can drop you into Greyback's camp and force you to participate - " She let out a harsh breath, her anger at Dumbledore misdirected towards her husband. "You can thank him by living a full life - isn't that what he wanted for you when you were a child? Or do you think he was thinking, all those years ago, to give you accommodations only so that you couldn't say no to whatever he asked of you later on? If something like this has been his plan all along..." Then you're working for one truly sick man. One who would gain the trust of a child to use the feeling of debt of the man he would become. It was something Charlotte didn't want to believe of their old headmaster, but who was she to know? "He's always seemed to respect your opinion," she went on, laying a steadying - to her or to him or to both of them, she wasn't sure - hand on his leg. "He may reconsider if you give him your reasons. He wouldn't want to lose you either." You're invaluable to him. For reasons much different than mine.

"It's always a risk, and I know that," Char continued, shifting away slightly so she could look up at him. "But this...what he's asking of you, it's more than he should have a right to. So much more. How can he ask you to convince them to let you in when you've worked so hard to build a life of your own? One so different from all that they stand for?" Remus would have to work insanely hard to make this happen - to make the other werewolves believe the life he wanted wasn't the one he had. That he was willing to live a lie, spy for the other side. Betray those who had done him all these favors during his life. Act with the ones who murdered in cold blood. They were going to stop at nothing to prove his loyalties, and if he faltered once, if he failed any of the trails they'd set forth for him...he was never coming home.

[Remus Lupin]

He had faced a lot of difficult decisions in his life since he was turned. He had decided to go to school. He had decided to trust his Headmaster, decided to trust his friends. He had decided to trust Charlotte. He had learned that he could have a life worth living, a life where he was married and was happy. Because he had learned to trust. Because Albus Dumbledore had taught him at 11 years old that trust was something he would need to have if he wanted to get through life. And while so many of his other teachers had expanded upon that lesson, he had first learned it from the man he had great respect for.

But he couldn't find his voice as Charlotte spoke, feeling his own tears burning in his eyes. He wanted to believe everything she was saying. Dumbledore would have never done this, he would never have given Remus the chance at life only to make him sacrifice it. This couldn't have been the plan all along. It was simply an opportunity that only Remus was suited for - and it was why he had been given the task. And while he should have refused it flat out at the beginning, he hadn't. He had simply agreed because he didn't know what else to do.

He looked to meet her eyes as she shifted away from him, swallowing as he listened to her words. She was right, he knew she was right. He reached for her hand that she had placed on his leg, giving it a squeeze. "He's a good man, I can't think he would have expected this from me when I was eleven. But it's a situation that's real - that only I can do. I can understand why he asked. But knowing that I could leave here tonight and never come back..." He trailed off and looked away from her, looked around the room they shared. This was his life, not running around in the woods pretending to worship the Dark Lord. Hell, he wasn't even an agent, he'd never signed up for this sort of thing.

"I will go talk to him Char, I will. But if he tells me to go, I don't have a choice. I'm the only one who can do this."

[Charlotte Fudge]

Merlin's sake, but she hated doing this to him. Putting doubt into his mind about a man he'd trusted for most of his life, it wasn't something she was doing lightly - but if there was any chance of her being right, than this conversation could save her husband's life. Therefore, it was well worth the risk of being proven wrong, even if Remus' dark eyes were shining with tears as he met her own. She took comfort in his touch as he spoke, nodding along to his words, but...

It was hard to keep herself any form of stable as Remus spoke of the very real possibility of his never returning to their home; Charlotte watched him as he pulled his eyes from hers and looked around the room, turning her hand under his to hold it properly. The weight of what he could do tonight was tremendous, and already slumping his strong shoulders. While she didn't want him to leave, Char knew as he spoke that he'd made up his mind - and at least would make good on his word and try and talk sense into the Leader. She nodded, squeezing his hand tightly to keep her own from shaking. "You should go then, love," she said quietly, voice strained, "so you can have time to speak with him and not feel rushed." She could hardly believe the words coming from her, but if he was to have any chance at avoiding this mission for his own good, they needed to be said. "Do you have everything you need, in case he..." Emotion overcoming her, Char blinked quickly, willing her tears away until she again found her voice. "I'll be here - whether it's tonight or tomorrow that you come home," she said with as much certainty as she could muster. Because he would come home. He had to. "Because whatever happens, you are coming home. I know you will." The death-grip the young woman had on his hand was hardly reaffirming of this, but she nodded emphatically regardless as she searched his eyes, hoping he wouldn't challenge her words. Because if he did, if they began speaking like they'd never see each other again, like these were their last moments - how could she let him leave then?

[Remus Lupin]

This was their house. Their bedroom. So many mornings here, waking up next to each other and curling up under the covers with books when it was cold. Shared sweaters and laughs, and shared tears and frustrations. This was his life and he didn't want to give it all away. Even if meant an end to this war - because it could also mean an end to all of this. While Fenrir Greyback was trusted by the Dark Lord, Remus couldn't see this helping. Werewolves were treated badly by the wizarding community, the only real reason that they would choose to side with Voldemort.

But when all was said and done, wouldn't he simply turn on them as well? Turn his wand to those who had served by his side that didn't match up to his expectations? He squeezed Charlotte's hand back, nodding to her words. He would need time to talk to Dumbledore, and if it was rushed he was sure that he wouldn't be able to get his point across. He looked to her as she spoke, reaching to brush her hair away as she choked on her words.

He leaned over to place a kiss on her lips, before slowly slipping his hand away. Standing up, he looked down at her, taking a moment to memorize her features even more. "I will come home." Maybe he didn't believe that, and maybe she didn't either. But saying it - it was reassuring. He could do this, no matter what Dumbldore's answer was. He had to.

Leaning down to place another kiss on her forehead, he picked up his wand from the beside table and tucked it into his pocket, before heading to the bedroom door. He paused for only a moment to look back at her, "I love you," and the headed to grab his bag and go to headquarters.

[Charlotte Fudge]

Charlotte Lupin would never say personal vulnerability was a strong suit. But she'd actively worked at it with Remus, letting him in truly when she saw he wasn't afraid to be with her because of her brother, when she knew that somehow he really did love her. Even so, he knew it wasn't a strength, and could probably count the times she'd been this choked up in his presence on one hand. Once she'd decided to let him in, though, their attachment to each other had strengthened so much that now...it wasn't something she could visualize living without. He'd helped her grow, become proud of who she was, and she didn't want to go back to being alone. All of his missions, just being in the Order, jeopardized that, of course, but this one was...

What if it's too much for him?

She leaned into his touch as he reached for her, closing her eyes to return his kiss, and reluctantly loosened her grip on his hand as Remus gently pulled away.

This won't be the end. Don't even think it.

Her body tensed again as he got to his feet, even though it'd been her suggestion that now was the time, and she looked past him, unable to face him just yet, not wanting to break while he was still here. Because he needed to go, and that would only delay him, and he couldn't afford any sort of delay...

He'll be back. Tonight or tomorrow.

She nodded shortly in affirmation of his repetition, both willing herself to believe it and trying to prepare herself for the dreadful "what if" questions her mind would throw at her until he either returned or the questions became reality. She let out a slow, quiet breath as he kissed her forehead and gathered his wand. Why is today so different? While she always worried about him, this was so much worse. The pain he was about to go through if he did get sent on the mission - the emotional wounds that would be dug up from his depths and reopened by having to interact with Greyback and the injuries he would surely get with an absence of potion and an abundance of werewolves - and the unlikelihood of Greyback's believing him enough to let him stay...Charlotte didn't want him to go through any of that. And to what end? How was this going to help the Order? Greyback was known for running a tight ship, it wasn't likely he'd spill anything of importance to one of the werewolves under his command, which meant that for Remus to really get any valuable information he'd have to move as far up whatever ranks there were as possible...

When will this end?

    How will this end?

Because how could his subterfuge come to a stop before the end of the war? If it did, Greyback and the rest of them would know he'd been a mole, putting his and her own life into utmost danger. And if this drastic of a step was being put forth by the Leader, the war was no where near a close...

You're doing it again. He's still here.

Char looked up at his words to see his back, and didn't know if he heard the quiet sentiment repeated back to him, or if she'd been too late.