Of Monsters and Men - Sunday, August 14 '77 (Remus)

[Lily Potter]

Lily paced back and forth beside the open bay window in the dining room, looking out every now and again into the back garden. She occasionally wrung her hands together in a fit of nervous thoughts; every so often she would give a brilliant smile and laugh at nothing but her memories. The red-head knew any of her neighbors able to watch or hear her would think she was insane, walking in circles and talking to herself. The house was empty of souls save Lily's: Petunia had spent most of the summer away, much to Lily's heartbreak and relief she was away now, and her parents had gone to a wedding for the rest of the day. She was alone, nervous, and waiting. 

Waiting on Remus, one of her very best friends of many years now. He had been the first person she had written when she had received her yearly letter from Hogwarts. She had screamed, and hugged her parents when they came running, and shed a tear of joy, and then she had written to Rem. His response was off, to say the least. He didn't say anything at all about the Head Boy appointment, only congratulating her and asking to come over so they could speak in person. Lily had written a hasty reply in the affirmative, with a date and time they could meet. She had been nervous ever since; she had been waiting ever since. 

Frustrated, -Remus wasn't late, it was just taking too long for him to get there- the new Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry snatched her cardigan from the counter and went to the back door. She would just wait for him outside, again; Lily stepped out into the cooling evening air with determination, as if her sheer will would bring her friend to her with more speed. Perhaps it had, for no sooner had the door snicked shut behind her, a crack sounded. Her head whipped around, hand clutching her wand on reflex, until she spotted Remus, framed in her fathers climbing rose bush. 

For a moment, her worry was forgotten, and she smiled. “Remus!” Lily exclaimed, dashing over and wrapping her fellow prefect -and hopefully fellow Head Student- in a warm embrace. “I've missed you Rem.” she said earnestly, pulling away. Lily took a moment to look upon his face, it had been too long since they had spend enough time together, she didn't get to see his kind face enough. Their summer visits were just too short. It wasn't like her girl friends, who could come spend nights at her house. She took a deep breath, thinking that something was wrong, she could feel it and it was putting her off tilt. Her nervousness resurfaced and her voice come out higher than normal. “Come on, mum made bangers and mash before they went out.” Right over the threshold  she paused, however, not feeling the least bit hungry. She turned to her friend, met his eye, and asked him flatly. “Remus, were you appointed Head Boy?”

[Remus Lupin]

Remus had been dreading the day that Lily’s letter would show up at the Potters. He had known that there was no one else in the school that deserved Head Girl more than Lily Evans. So it was no surprise to see what she had written him. He’d laughed when reading her letter, able to clearly imagine her reaction that she had described for him. But of course she was expecting the same from him, no doubt about it. And he was not about to tell her that her Head Boy was James Potter through a letter. Thankfully, James had agreed that perhaps it was best if Remus broke the news.

And so he’d written her back and asked to speak in person, knowing that she wouldn’t miss out on the fact he avoided the topic of Head Boy. Thankfully he could apparate to her place now, which meant that he could be gone before the guys came back from their Qudditich match outside with Charlus.

And before he could really adjust to the feeling of apparition, he was standing in Lily’s backyard, doing his best to keep his balance. It was only moments before Lily had him in a hug, and he gave a laugh as he returned the gesture. ”Missed you too Lils,” he replied with a grin. His stomach growled in response to Lily’s suggestion, and happily followed her into the house.

But before she would even feed him, she was asking the question he knew she had been worrying about. He gave a sigh, grabbing her hand as he headed into the kitchen. ”No, I wasn’t. And I wasn’t surprised by that, but you aren’t going to be pleased with who was appointed. You better sit.”

[Lily Potter]

Disappointment was her initial reaction to Remus's response in the negative. Shock, worry, and frustration quickly followed. Lily had been picturing the most amazing seventh year: She and her best friend as Head Girl and Boy, having someone she trusted and loved there at the top with her. To say she was upset was an understatement. In her opinion, Remus deserved the honor above all the other prefects. However, her opinion didn't really matter, did it? Aside from her perfect seventh year fantasy, she knew reality was, there was a good number of worthy candidates for both Head positions. Until she had received her own badge she had been half convinced Mulciber would be lording over her this year. 

Lily allowed herself to be pulled into the kitchen proper. “I can't sit.” she said to her friend at his last, feeling her anxiety tenfold now. “You sit. I'll get food.” She turned away, clicking the oven on to warm the food that lay wrapped in tinfoil inside, then she set about putting the kettle on so she could think. Remus had said a lot in so little words and now she was curious and nervous all in one go. What did he mean, he wasn't surprised? Lily sure was. Had Remus committed some infraction she didn't know about? Who could be her counterpart, why would she need to sit?  

Shaking her head she looked to her friends beloved face, another thought taking precedence over them all. How could she be so wrapped up in herself to forget what her friend must be feeling? “Oh Remus, I'm so sorry. No matter who it is, it should be you. You deserve it more than any of them.” Even though she didn't want to -hugging when she was upset always made her cry- she went over and gave her lanky friend a comforting hug, fighting back her tears. Her vision of them having this final year together falling away to a vast desert of the unknown. Lily pulled back, turning away to swipe at her eyes. 

“I can't believe this.” the new Head Girl said, mostly to herself, as she went over to the cupboard to pull out the tea things, checking on the food on her way back. She would just have tea, but Remus would probably eat up her mums cooking. It was quite good, she had had some earlier. Now though, it would be ash in her mouth. Back at the counter, with their cups and saucers laid out, she faced off with her good friend, steeling herself for the conversation to come. “So, who is it then? Wilkes I suppose?”

[Remus Lupin]

Of course she wasn’t going to sit, Remus should have known. Instead she was ushering him to sit down, and he did as she asked, watching her silently as she moved about the kitchen. He let himself smile as she put on the kettle - couldn’t very well have a conversation without tea - Lily was soon wrapping him in a hug. He returned the gesture, forcing a smile as she pulled away to go and busy herself once more. He did agree - he did deserve it far more than the person who had gotten it. But those were feelings for another time. Not when he was hear to completely destroy Lily’s hopes and dreams for her seventh year.

She turned to face him with the question, and he couldn’t do it. Not just sitting here at the table while she stood there and stared at him. Standing up, he came over to fiddle with the cups, ”As hard as this is going to be to believe, this person will still be better than Wilkes. I mean, anyone would be better than Wilkes right?” There was no denying that James would be better - Wilkes was too involved with the wrong side of history to be a good Head Boy. ”And I don’t know why he got Head Boy, I really don’t. But it’s...James.”

[Lily Potter]

She could feel the tremor in her hands, the anxiety curling deep within her belly. "Remus, you're making it worse." She told her friend, not missing the slight whine in her voice. She didn't love it, but she couldn't help it either. Lily had a very bad feeling about. It would be better if he would just say it, say his name. All the hints were killing her. She wouldn't like this boy, but he would be better than Wilkes, so it wasn't Wilkes. Who could it be? Lily did a quick run through of the list of prefects, watching as Remus fiddled with the tea cups. Not bad as their Slytherin counterpart, that didn't exactly narrow it down.

Lil was deep in thought but at Remus' words, her head snapped up so fast her hair whipped into her face. She flicked it away in annoyance. "James? James who?" She asked quickly, her voice jumping up several octaves. No. No! She knew, inside she knew, what James it was he was talking about. But...it didn't make a lot of sense. It made no sense! It was an impossibility in her mind. Lily open her mouth to say what, she wasn't sure, thankfully the kettle picked that perfect moment to blow. 

She dashed over, taking it off the flame, and filled both of their cups with shaky hands. She took a moment preparing her tea but found she couldn't drink it. She simply stared into the depths of the cup, as if it held the answers to the oldest of problems. Of all the things she had imagined, this has not been on the list. "James Potter." She said aloud. As if saying it out loud would make it more real, in the moment, it was naught but fantasy. Lily turned to her best friend, a million questions in her wide gaze. What she ended up saying was a statement. " But... but...he isn't even a prefect! You're the prefect. Why is he Head Boy? There must be some mistake!"

[Remus Lupin]

He knew she was right, him delaying the answer wasn’t exactly helping the situation. James and Lily had had their spats over the years (and really if James hadn’t made such an idiot of himself - asking the girl out while levitating Severus in the air upside down? Classy), but he had to hope the two could put aside their differences. He frowned as Lily’s head snapped up, hovering worriedly as his mind raced with what she might say.

You know exactly which James, Lils.

He watched her as she dealt with the kettle, taking his cup quietly as she passed it off to him. He sipped it quietly, focused on watching her to see what she would say. ”He isn’t a prefect, but I can’t see it being a mistake. Professor Dumbledore isn’t senile, he obviously thinks James can do this,” he answered with a sigh, taking the moment to return to the table. Sitting down, he stretched out his legs as he fiddled with the tea cup, ”James has leadership skills, so it’s not like he’s going to be fumbling on that. Not to mention-“

He cut his words short, giving another long sigh. He wasn’t convinced himself of James’ ability yet. But he didn’t want to admit that, not to Lily. Not when there was more important information he had come over to share. ”Lily, there’s something else I need to tell you. I knew I wasn’t going to be Head Boy, met with Dumbledore before school ended last year. There’s a reason, but it’s not exactly easy to say. Not when I’ve been keeping it quiet for this long.”

[Lily Potter]

Why did her head keep shaking like that? She had nothing to say, mostly, as she listened to Remus. But her head, it just kept moving from side to side, like a pendulum or one of those annoying dashboard ornaments. Her mind felt like mush, as if someone had given it a good shaking. She wasn't comprehending, she didn't understand, though a part of her could acknowledge the truth of it all. Of course, it couldn't be a mistake, the Headmaster was the most powerful wizard alive, he wasn't senile. Sure, James had leadership skills...”Not to mention what?” The question was sent out on auto-polite, only after saying it did Lily become truly curious about her friends last words. 

And her curiosity grew with every word Remus spoke from then on. With it came a great pit of dread and worry, it settled beneath the already full cavern of disappointment and disbelief inside her. This was all very distressing, one of the most distressing things in her recent history. For a split second Lily wanted to run away from it all for a bit, dash up to her room, write the Headmaster, refuse to work with Potter. Beg Remus to put up a fight with her, to want it enough to go up again Albus Dumbledore by her side. But it was just that, a split second; those were irrational thoughts flying around her head. 

Logically, she needed to listen to Remus, her long time friend. Apparently he had insight she did not in the matter. And something else as well...a secret it appeared. Unhelpfully, Severus' face appeared in her mind's eye, saying that there was something not right about her housemate, saying...”Remus.” Lily said out loud, putting a firm stop to her thoughts; there was no reason to freak herself out, she just needed to be patient, he was going to tell her. Soon she would have the knowledge she needed to calm herself, something her barely touched tea had failed at. Reaching out and laying a hand on his arm she went on. “Please Remus. Just tell me, just tell me it all. You can trust me, remember? Besides, if you don't, Merlin knows what I will do next. James Potter, Head Boy, this is not reality, this is all wrong! I feel like I need to do something!"

[Remus Lupin]

This conversation had been coming for years. Once the boys had accepted him second year, the idea of telling someone on his own one day hadn’t been so terrifying. Not when they hadn’t cared about his affliction. But then fourth year, with the hurt that had come from that for so many. And fifth year, when Snape had called her that. Remus had felt his blood boil in the moment, and after once they had been split up it had hit him even harder. Severus could have told Lily, even though Dumbledore had assured Remus that he wouldn’t be telling anyone. The snake was no better than any of the rest of them, to be so venomous to a person who had been nothing but one of his best friends.

”I know I can trust you,” he replied quietly, a sudden dryness hitting his throat. He did trust her, she knew just as well as he what it was like being considered an outcast in this world. In a world in such turmoil, being muggleborn was as much of a death sentence as being a werewolf could be, a terrifying reality constantly brewing right outside of their front doors. They may have been safe at Hogwarts, but they were not blind. Things were not getting better.

Suddenly clearing his throat, he placed a hand on top of the one she had placed on his arm, giving it a squeeze. “I’ve never had this conversation before, not like this. I don’t know how to even just say it, obviously since I’m rambling. But you deserve to know, you are one of my best friends.” A very kind and caring friend, who he was hoping would take this well. Lily was bright, she had to have her suspicions.

”Lils, I’m a werewolf.”

[Lily Potter]

She was staring at Remus, she knew she was, she could see him but...she couldn't. She could hear him but...everything was all mashed up. Stress was jumbling her thoughts. James is Head Boy. "I've never had this conversation before." Remus isn't Head Boy. "You deserve to know." James Potter is Head Boy. "I'm a werewolf." "You deserve to know." "I'm a werewolf."  Remus is a werewolf. Lily took a deep breath, forcing the world around her to anchor her to the moment, to stop the panicked litany of swirling thoughts in her head.  

Focus. She told herself, feeling first the rapid beat of her heart. Then the way her breathing was returning to normal stole her attention, and finally, her best friends hand over her own, which rested on his arm. Her best friend. Her Rem. Lily closed her eyes, feeling the moisture well there but unable to stop the tears that escaped. "Oh Remus." she said miserably, pulling him into another, more intense hug. The words of comfort she wanted to give him stuck in her throat  and her heart, which was beginning to feel wrung dry, contracted painfully. She had never wanted to believe this truth, she had never wanted it to be truth. No-one deserved that curse, least of all Remus Lupin. She felt a moment of irrational hatred for Severus, as if his constant suspicion had caused this tragedy.  

Looking back, it had nearly been obvious to anyone paying attention. Which apparently her ex-friend had been.  It had just seemed such a far fetched idea though, and Lily hadn't wanted to believe it. Now, there was no pretending that she didn't know something was...not right. No being blissfully ignorant. It felt unreal. Too fantastical. On top of everything else, this seemed the most dream-like moment of the whole day. Standing here, holding Remus -or was he holding her?- her werewolf best friend.  

The oven dinged and Lily lifted her head from the bony shoulder she had been resting against. They had had a whole life altering conversation in the time it had taken the oven to heat dinner. She disentangled herself and went over to grab a mitten and pull out the bangers and mash. Lily placed the pan on the counter and then turned back to Remus, really looking at him now. It was hard though, and she was forced to look away. The pain he must have endured for... years? "How long?" she asked, needing to know. "How long have you been a werewolf?"

[Remus Lupin]

He’d told her.

And he felt relieved, something he hadn’t been expecting. His concern had been on how Lily would react, the unknown variable he couldn’t pinpoint before he came over. Because Lily was brilliant, and she’d almost caught him in lies before about it. Comments about his graying hair, about the thin scars on his hands, about his extended hospital wing visits. She had noticed things, even if she didn’t realize it.

More than anything, there was Severus. Someone who had physically seen the truth about him, someone he had a hatred for that he couldn’t shake no matter how much he tried to let it go. That had been before he and Lily had gone their separate ways, when her friendship with the Slytherin was still in tact. It didn’t matter than Dumbledore had promised Remus his secret was safe, if there was one person Severus would tell it was Lily.

The last thing he had expected was a hug.

But there she was, pulling him into a tight hug at the table. There were tears in her eyes, but there wasn’t fear. That was what he had been expecting, for her to be afraid. Who wouldn’t be afraid of a werewolf? Large wolves with a hunger and desire to hunt, commonly known for their attacks on humans. Not everyone survived a bite, only the “lucky” ones did. But he had hardly ever felt that he was lucky.

The ding from the oven brought him back to reality, and he let her go, watching silently as she went to get the food from the oven. There would be questions - the boys had had plenty - but he felt a tightness in his chest as she looked away from him. It didn’t matter how many times the Marauders told him otherwise, he knew the truth. All he saw in the mirror was the monster he could become.

”13 years,” he replied after a few more moments of silence, a lump growing in his throat. “I was four - almost five when I was attacked. Happened at home, not the house we live in now though. I lost track of how many times we moved before Hogwarts... in fact I think we only stopped moving because of how often I’m gone at school. Not enough interaction for the neighbors to get suspicious.”

[Lily Potter]

It was weighing down on her.

She would break.

Too much, all of this, tonight ,was too much.

The silence after her question was like standing on the edge of peak, terrifying and absolute. The smell of dinner was almost making her sick, or was it the realization that her sweet Remus had been suffering right before her eyes and she had been blind to it? Was it by choice she had been blind? She had had her suspicions and she had done nothing. 

"Thirteen years?" she said, too loudly. The world, her body, came alive again at his declaration and she jolted forward, her eyes seeking his on instinct as she listened with the most awful taste in her mouth, her hands clutching at the counter. What a life he must have had before Hogwarts. Always moving, who could make any friends that way? Who could feel safe? Or settle down? All because...werewolf.

"I'm sorry, Remus." she found herself saying, reaching out and giving his hand a squeeze. But she couldn't think straight, she had so many thoughts and questions, and she couldn't stop crying, so she turned away again. Dinner. She would make him dinner, that would help. So, she took a plate down from the cupboard and began filling it with the bangers and mash her mum had made for them. When she was done she fixed a tall glass of water from the tap, pulled utensils from the drawer next to the stove and then brought it all to Remus at the counter. Lily felt a little more level headed then, and had managed to stop blubbering like a baby. "We have a lot to talk about, but I need a bit to wrap my head around it. So, let's start with what's going on right now: what do you mean? You met with Dumbledore and he said that, that it was because you're a wer-werewolf, that's why you can't be Head Boy? But that makes no sense! You're only a werewolf on the full moon, all the other time you're just Remus. That was good enough to be a prefect, but not Head Boy?"

[Remus Lupin]

Thirteen Years?

The words were echoed back at him from his best friend, the shock behind them clear. He’d been a monster werewolf longer than he hadn’t been one, his life defined by someone else before he was old enough to truly comprehend what it meant. How do you explain to a five year old what’s about to happen to him? Remus didn’t even remember, the pain of the first transformation far outweighing the words his father had given him before it happened. Shaking his head, he stood and moved to the counter where she stood, hoping his presence would reassure her things were going to be alright.

Her apology wasn’t needed, but he let it go as she moved about the kitchen, eyes trained on her with concern. This was a lot of information and if he was being honest with himself, he could have told her sooner. He probably should have told her sooner, she was understanding and compassionate. He gave her a smile as she brought him food, his stomach giving a growl as the smell hit him. He dug in, hoping he wasn’t being rude.

He met her eyes, mouth full as she started talking, her words. Now that he’d told her the truth (well, most of it) they would have plenty of time to talk about it, dealing with one situation at a time was easier. Swallowing, he shot her a grin before he downed some water, leaning back against the counter. “So, as Head Boy he said it would be harder to keep it a secret, more than likely would get out. And besides the fact parents would lose their minds, their kids going to school with a werewolf? Plus I’m not registered and I’m not sure how well that would go with my dads employer - but I told him I didn’t care. I still wanted to be considered for the position. But clearly,” he paused as he sighed, “We see what his choice was.”

[Lily Potter]

How could he be eating at a time like this? Lily thought wildly. Because he's always known, it's no shock to him. There it was, the pang of annoyance and...hurt. Why hadn't he told her? All this time they had been friends, he had been keeping this a secret. What else was he keeping hidden? But again, that was a feeling and conversation for another time. Right now she needed to focus on what she knew to be true and try and understand that. A: Remus was a werewolf. B: James Potter is Head Boy. C: Remus wasn't any different now than he had always been to her, she loved him even more now. D: James Potter is Head Boy! What in the seven hells was going on?

"That's ludicrous!" Lily said angrily as soon as Remus had finished speaking. The red-head snatched up Remus' glass and went over to the tap to refill it. She sat it back on the counter a little too forcefully and water splashed over, Lily sighed. "Sorry. This is just so...stupid." Her eyes began that leaky thing again and she swiped at them harshly. "I mean, I mean..." She huffed out a frustrated breath at her inability to speak. It wasn't fair! But it was...smart on Dumbledores part. Somewhat. In her opinion, the risk was not much greater having Remus as Head Boy than it had been having him as perfect or in the school at all! But she could see how politically, it could be a nightmare. Lily hated politics. "I just hate this. And I don't know how to fix it." 

Tugging off her sweater and tossing it over a dining chair, she grabbed another of the chairs from the table and drug it over so she could reach the highest shelf in the cupboard, way in the back...got it! She really needed something strong right now. The seventh-year pulled a bottle of whiskey her mother kept on hand down and set it on the counter between her and her best friend with deliberate gentleness. She turned back to Remus, feeling a little poorly for what she was about to say but saying it anyway. "Have you spoken to James? Maybe he is willing to go to the Headmaster. Or maybe he could...back down. Refuse the position? Really, Remus, it should be you. Werewolf or no." Another thought struck her suddenly and Lily felt a moment of horrible -but hopefully not true- realization.  "What about your father? Do you think he is involved at all? Would he have talked to the Headmaster about this, do you think?"

[Remus Lupin]

They had been friends long enough that Remus knew to just give Lily time, watching patiently as she moved around in the kitchen in her frustration. The politics in their world were absurd, but she already knew that well enough. There wasn’t a magical solution for his problem, no cure for his condition. He was lucky that there was even the Wolfsbane potion. He had been dealing with this for so, he was simply used it. While it couldn’t be fully transmitted except for on a full moon, there was no concrete evidence that he was safe the rest of the days. There was always precautions - like keeping his nails short so not to scratch anybody - but he had read exhaustively about lycanthropy. The same couldn’t be said for the rest of wizarding society.

He watched with amusement on his face as he continued to eat as Lily dragged a chair across the kitchen. He wasn’t a fool, he knew what was kept in the back of the cabinet. And quite honestly, a drink didn’t sound half bad. He’d kept his thoughts mostly to himself regarding James and the position. His brother had been convinced it was some sort of joke when their letters arrived, and Mia had checked with Dumbledore. Once they had heard back...it was odd to say he felt betrayed, but it was true. Betrayed by his Headmaster and one of his best friends. He set his fork down, any feelings of hunger he still had vanishing after Lily mentioned his father.

It was his turn to pace the kitchen, busying himself with getting two glasses down for them. He didn’t like talking about his father, the relationship between the two of them difficult to explain. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted as he returned to his spot at the counter, setting the glasses down gently next to the whiskey. “He’s never really it brought it up before this summer, the whole werewolf thing. We just don’t talk about it, that’s been easier.” And while his condition was proof that whoever had bitten him had indeed been a werewolf, his life would be much different if people knew.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever told the truth to,” he added quietly, glancing up from spot at the counter he had been so intently focusing on. “The guys figured it out in second year, and Severus got his proof in fourth year. Obviously the teachers know - Kettleburn’s been really great about it.”

[Lily Potter]

Lily watched nervously as Remus paced to and fro in her kitchen, getting glasses for their drinks, which she promptly poured out, and weighing her questions greatly. What would he make of them? Would he think his father capable of getting personally involved in the whole mess? For better, or maybe, for worse? She couldn't imagine the way Remus would feel if he thought his own parent had had a hand in denying him something he had worked so hard for. Lily knew she would be devastated. Alas, her best friend was unsure of his father's involvement and perhaps that was best for now; what was not best was ignoring things such as your son being a werewolf. 

"That must have been...difficult. At first." She said, choosing her words carefully. Why would Mr. Lupin remain so silent on such a topic? And poor Remus. It must have felt like a true curse if even his father refused to mention it. Even if Remus did say it was easier that way. Lily didn't believe it. She reached out and ran a soothing hand along her friend's arm before placing a drink in his hand. "Let's hope he had nothing to do with it either way. I'm loathed to think he would do something to aid himself when it's you on the line." Well, maybe that was a little sharp. She gave her best mate an apologetic smile and took a small sip of her own whiskey as Remus went on. 

Of course, the boys, his roommates, already knew of his condition, they were like brothers. Thicker than thieves and twice as clever. Of course, they had figured it out. Again she felt a pain of hurt  at not being told sooner but it was short lived because..."Severus?" she echoed hallowly. There was a sudden tremor in her hand and she found herself setting her drink back down after barely a swig more. He had said more about teacher's and Kettleburn -the Care of Magical Creatures Professor was a nice bloke and naturally the other Professors would need to know- but all Lily could focus on was Severus. A horrible feeling settled in her gut and Lily swallowed back the guilt and fear and asked. "What do you mean Severus got his proof in fourth-year?" Memories rushed up to the surface faster than she could subdue them and in a flash she was fourteen again, perched on the edge of Sev's bed, and worried sick. 'Why won't you tell me what's happened, Severus? You look half dead!'