Of Monsters and Men - Sunday, August 14 '77 (Remus)

[Remus Lupin]

He had spent years blissfully unaware of the details about that night when a werewolf crept into his room. Remus had wondered if his father’s job had been a part of it, with Lyall Lupin’s position within the Ministry being what it was. His father dealt with magical creatures, although generally not those like him. And then, when he was sixteen and upset after a rough moon the words why did this happen to me? had escaped his throat in the earning morning hours, his father coming to help him back to the house. It had been then the truth had come out, the reality worse than he could have ever imagined.

They deserve nothing less than death.

He had to blink back sudden tears, unable to do anything more than nod at Lily’s words. His father’s silence had been difficult at first, but the words that had filled the silence weren’t much better. The irony of her statement was lost on her - while he was unsure of his father’s involvement in being Head Boy, he was to aware of the reasons he’d been given this fate.

Remus had barely raised his glass to his lips when she echoed his words, and his heart sunk as she asked the one question he didn’t want to answer. He lowered the glass back to the counter, dropping his eyes to the ground. Lying to her would be worse than the truth, but the truth was also throwing one of his brothers under a metaphorical bus. Lily would be furious if she knew what happened, that much was obvious. “Lils I,” his voice faltered, as he forced himself to look her in the eye.

“The Whomping Willow protects the entrance to where I go during the full moons in the school year, Severus found out how to get past it,” he said slowly. He felt sick, and pushed himself off the counter, arms crossing in front of himself. “He got a good glimpse of me.”

[Lily Potter]

Her fellow prefect pushed off the counter, breaking eye contact with her, as he was obviously distress by her questions. Lily felt bad for causing her friend distress for only a moment before she took a step toward him, keeping the distance between them close, urging him on with her eyes as he spoke. Because surely, surely there was another explanation other than the one she was thinking, other than her old friend nearly being...maimed by a werewolf back in the fourth year. Alas, it seemed her thinking was spot on. Unfortunately. 

"Remus," the redhead began but emotion swelled up within her as well as the bile. The usually steady girl had to take a moment to choke it all back, to hold on for just a little longer, to get the whole truth. She had to know. "Remus." there a stronger voice. "How did Severus find out about your hiding place? Was he following you?" And an even scarier thought. "Did someone let it slip, was it Peter?" The intellectual in her had reared its ugly head at the mention of a secret passage beneath the Willow, and now it was begging to be heard above the litany of other questions. Lily had to strangle it quickly to get on with the really important stuff. Like how her once very best friend had likely come close to death at the hands -or rather claws- of another of her very best friends. At least that's how it looked to her now. She had seen Severus, he had been terrified 'and James had been there too! It must be related.' a voice supplied helpfully. But those questions were for later. For right now she had to know. "And when you...when you say he got a 'glimpse of you'..?"

All that time she had discredited Severus as being paranoid, of hating her housemates so much he would do anything to make them into living, breathing, literal monsters. When all along, he had been right. But he was also wrong, Remus was not a monster, no matter what anyone said, he was good and nothing could change that. Lily shook her head to try and organize her thoughts, there was too much going on for her to focus on one thought, on one question. And not all of them could be answered by Remus. That was another thought: she wanted to speak to Severus. She wanted to know, "Why didn't he tell me?"

[Remus Lupin]

He shouldn’t have let it slip out, that Severus knew his secret. Not right now, not like this. He would have told Lily eventually that Severus knew as well, he wouldn’t have been able to keep that from her forever. But he could have just told her that Severus knew, instead of this. Instead of her knowing that Severus had gotten up close and personal with Hogwarts resident monster. Lily’s mind had to be rushing, evident as she asked him rapid fire questions. Oh someone let it slip alright, but not the one you’re thinking. Peter was good at keeping secrets, as far as Remus was aware. At least this one, as even after years of Daisy being around the girl had never seemed to have the slightest idea that anything was off about him. And he had to believe that, given the numerous other questions she had asked over the years, that Daisy would have brought it up by now if she had the slightest suspicion.

It was best, Remus guessed, to let Lily get all of her questions out before he gave any answers. He’d made a rough conversation worse by overspeaking, the least he could do was let her catch her thoughts. But the last question wasn’t one he’d been expecting, and he reached out to put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey,” he said quietly, giving her shoulders a squeeze. “I can’t give you a lot of insight into Severus, but I can tell you that Dumbledore swore him to secrecy. Although, I sort of assumed you already knew about my...condition.” Because of all the people Remus had been convinced Severus had rattled off his suspicions to, Lily was one of them. He’d all but avoided Lily for the week following the incident, waiting for her to hate him for what had happened. But she’d never approached him, and it hadn’t crossed his mind until recently when he had been deciding to tell her the truth.

He picked up his glass, taking a sip of the whiskey as he tried to contain his own racing thoughts. James and Sirius will be furious if you tell her. The story painted Sirius as an absolute prick - and yes, it had been a prick thing to do. But it was the past, and it was done, and he’d had it out with Sirius back then about it. Makes James look like a hero though, you know. And some bonus points for James going into this year might not be a bad thing, because James being Head Boy was going to be a sour spot. But could he really betray the trust of his brothers like that, even if it was to Lily? He couldn't tell Lily the truth about what happened, but he hadn't been thinking when he'd let it slip that Severus knew. "No, no one let it slip. We figure he must have followed me that night when I went to transform, he had suspicions. He got into the tunnel and that's where he saw, well me but the wolf me, you know?" He paused, taking another sip to hide his discomfort, "James was able to pull him out though, although he's got a nasty scar on his leg from it."

[Lily Potter]

"Excuse me?" Lily exclaimed, outrage clear in her voice. Her eyes, which had recently been trained on a spot just over Remus's shoulder, snapped to meet her friends in frustration. Not about the part of her knowing all along he was a werewolf -she had already come to terms with the fact that she had suspected but she had never really wanted to know. It was the part about their Headmaster that had her self-righteous nature in high gear. "He made him swear to secrecy?"

For some reason, this felt like an extreme misuse of power to Lily. She understood trying to protect Remus, and she was grateful for that -Remus Lupin did not deserve to be punished for something he had no control over- but at the expense of another student? Sure, Severus had not been physically injured, but psychologically, he was...damaged. At least that's how he had seemed to her after this fateful incident she had known nothing about. How could Dumbledore have asked for something so monumental of a boy of only fourteen? 'Yes, you almost got murdered, but no, you can't tell anyone. Why? Because I'm the most powerful wizard ever and this is all totally fair by my book.'

Anger flared up in her for the injustice done to her old friend, and worry over her long standing current friend. Even with all that had happened between her and Severus, at the time, they were friends and so she was torn over it. If Severus had told Remus would have been expelled and she didn't want that either. There was no right answer to the problem of  Severus finding out Remus's secret. For her it would have been impossible to decide if tasked with handling the matter. But that was no longer the most shocking thing Remus had said to her: "What? James?!" she found her voice asking in evident surprise. Because of all that he had said, what stuck out the most, what took her back the greatest was: "James Potter saved Severus Snape?" 

This was too much to believe. A part of her went out to James as well for he bore scars of his bravery but James was a bully, or rather, he had been a bully and Severus had been his favorite target. Those two hated each other! And yet, when the Slytherins life was in true danger, James had jumped to the rescue. "How could all this have happened and I never knew?" she said quietly, a little angrily, and more to herself than her friend. She worked to control her voice as she addressed Remus now. "Is there anything else I should know? Any other secrets you've been keeping from me?" 

[Remus Lupin]

Remus hadn’t been expecting the reaction, his eyes darting away from hers as she finally looked directly at him. The anger in her voice was clear, and he wanted to pretend it didn't sting a little bit. The logical part of him knew that she wasn’t upset with him, that she wouldn’t have wanted him to be expelled from school when his secret got out. Severus’ keeping the secret was important, surely she had to see that in some manner. He knew that, in a way, what Dumbledore had done wasn’t the best. Remus could only imagine how shaken up Severus and James might have been, with a werewolf coming at them. James had adjusted (something that was bound to happen after they guys had become animagi just to run with him), and hopefully Severus had dealt with it in his own way by now. His hands fell back to his sides, looking back to her as left her question ringing in the air between them. There was no need to confirm it, she’d heard him loud and clear about it.

He was glad for the drink she'd poured him, taking another sip as he tried to calm his nerves. He hated that he was lying to her about how Severus had found out, it felt wrong - even though he knew it was the right thing to do. She'd want to kill Sirius if she found out the truth, and Sirius would never forgive him for the betrayal. He could see in her eyes that she was worried about Severus after this, and he thought about asking her not to talk to him. Severus had been cruel to Lily, and Remus had done nothing to stop it from happening. He’d never forget that, or let himself live it down. It wasn’t his finest moment as a person, and he’d tried to be kinder in interactions he was forced to have with Severus. It was hard, being nice to someone who was so often seen hanging around with others that were cruel. There was hardly a Slytherin in their year that Remus could stand, especially when it came to the Medusa’s. Wish I could see Meredith’s face when she finds out Lily's Head Girl… He focused himself back to the moment, if Lily wanted to talk to Severus that was her business, but perhaps he would go with her so she wasn't alone.

Was she really that surprised that James had saved Severus? Sure they had their differences, but James was a good person. At least, he tried to be. He’d grown up significantly in the past couple of years, they all had. Did Lily really believe that one of his best friends would have let Severus die? Any other secrets? Harsh Lils. He sighed, finding the contents of the glass he’d set down suddenly more interesting that keeping eye contact with his friend. “Look, I know I shouldn’t have kept this from you this long but it’s not...it’s not like I’m proud of what I am. I’m a monster - at least that’s what the world thinks of me.” He downed the rest of the glass, his hunger from earlier gone as he looked down to the food she’d heated up for him. “James isn’t the same person he was in fifth year, you know. He’s a bit cocky, but he’s got a good heart. Maybe he’ll make a great Head Boy.”

[Lily Potter]

Lily let out a frustrated huff, fighting the urge to stomp her foot. She was letting her anger and desperation get the better of her. There were so many things going on outside of her control and the redhead knew she wasn't being the nicest at the moment, especially her jab about more secrets but she was taking in a lot of information at once and it was causing her normal easy control to slip. There wasn't much she could do about it, her emotions ruled supreme until further notice. Right now it was anger over the unfairness of it all but if she let it, it could be despair over her old friend's trauma that he had suffered through alone and bound to silence. It could be disappointment at Remus not being head boy or frustration with the Headmaster for his high handed ways or even  the cold sting of betrayal she felt at having been kept in the dark so long. It seemed like the list went on and on but right now her prominent emotion was a fierce rage aimed at how life seemed to put people in impossible situations. An enemy she could never win again but she was fiery in her anger none the less and then just like that, like a star winking out of existence, it was gone.  

To be replaced by the most awful sorrow she had ever felt. "Remus." she said and her voice was still sharp but it was mixed with pain now. How could anyone ever think of Remus that way? Remus, a monster? It hurt her to know that people would think of him as some sort of beast and it angered her too, it was a horrible stigma that surrounded werewolves: that they were all bad. Lily knew deep in her heart that her Remus was essentially good and would never truly mean to harm anyone. He was not a monster. What hurt worse than all that though was the thought that Remus may think of himself that way. She placed her hands on her hips and regarded him coolly. "You are not a monster Remus Lupin. You don't let anyone tell you that and don't you for one-second dare to believe it." 

Being a werewolf was what Remus was -something she was slowly coming to terms with- but it wasn't who he was. Apparently, an intolerable toerag wasn't who James was either but Lily was loath to believe that in the moment. She barely believed he had saved Severus, she wasn't jumping to 'boy-with-the-good-heart just yet. She did agree on one point Remus had made about his friend James Potter: "You're right about one thing, he is cocky." She would never admit that sometimes it was warranted he really was an impressive wizard when he wanted to be because mostly it was not, and it was not attractive. Lily heaved a huge sigh, so many things warring for her thoughts and emotions. "Are you going to eat this?" she asked, momentarily distracted by the mundane, the easy.  But then her thoughts jumped again to her problems and she made a frustrated noise, slamming her fist down, rattling the glasses. "He better make a good Head Boy Rem, or I swear, I'm going to completely lose it this year. I'll be Lily the Lunatic if one more thing goes awry."

[Remus Lupin]

He wasn’t surprised when her tone changed after his words, it always did when he brought up this feeling. You’re not a monster. It was something he’d been hearing from his friends for years now, and he’d even started to believe it. At least until the incident with Snape, until he’d seen the scars on James’ leg. It was harder to believe now, knowing that he would have killed one of his best friends without any question that night. Even with the Wolfsbane potion, he was always afraid that the wolf would take over and take control. It was unsettling, to say the least. To feel something in the back of your mind, something waiting to come out and do harm to people he loved. “People keep saying that,” he joked lightly, hoping that Lily wouldn’t catch on to his thoughts.

It was easier to bring the conversation back to James, away from the lie he had just told her. James was cocky, but it could be a good thing sometimes, really. She brought up his abandoned food, and he quickly shoveled some more in his mouth. He wasn’t about to let her take it from him, not when he had worked up an appetite by revealing truths. He looked back up in her in surprise as she slammed her hand down, downing the rest of the whiskey she had poured him before he spoke. “Hey now, you really think I’m gonna let you become Lily the Lunatic?” he said with a laugh, setting down his fork. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure he does a good job. Even if it means doing the job for him sometimes. I’m not going to let you drown Lils. I promise that.”

[Lily Potter]

Lily was not dim or daft by any stretch of the imagination and she rarely missed much -you know, except one of her very best friends having lycanthropy- so she didn't miss how Remus seemed uncomfortable with the conversation  about Severus. She wanted to press on, to comfort him, tell him it wasn't his fault but a part of her knew it wouldn't solve anything. She wouldn't feel any better for it and neither would Rem. In fact, for him, it would probably do more harm than good. It was a thing in his past, even if it was new for her, it was old news in his life. The redhead decided she wouldn't push the issue. Remus didn't need her dragging up old things from his past that he had likely worked hard to move past. Maybe I'll talk to Severus. But flashes of their painful clashes kept her from committing to the thought.

She sighed, running a weary hand over her brow and shaking her head at her friend. The disbelief in his voice was audible to her and she didn't like it one bit. "They say it -I say it- because it's true, Remus." She opened her mouth, the words she wanted to say ready in her mind but her mouth refused to form them. She closed her mouth again, swallowing back her nerves and uneasiness. Lily wasn't afraid of her Rem, or uncomfortable, or any of the things she was sure a normal person would be around someone they knew had Remus' unfortunate condition, but it was still hard. Her mind had not fully processed it yet, none of it, not James being Head Boy, or Remus and Severus' 'run-in', or Remus, in general. How was she to talk if she didn't yet understand how this had always been a part of her life and yet, she had not know it, how could that be? But Lily knew she had to because her friend needed to hear it and she knew it was true, even if she didn't understand it yet, she knew: Remus was not a monster. "Being a werewolf doesn't make you any less of a wizard or a good man." She gave him a soft smile and a gentle look...that turned stern in a flash. "Now, I don't ever want to hear you speaking poorly of my best friend, if I catch you, I will jinx you."

With her warning in place, her mind quickly moved on to the next thing -it appeared there was simply too much to think about to dwell on one thing for too long. They had covered Severus almost dying, and Remus being a werewolf, and the natural progression of things just seemed to lead back around to losing her mind over James Potter being named Head Boy. "That's not fair!" Lily hated how much her voice sounded distinctly like a whine, but she simply couldn't help it, it wasn't fair! You just don't want him that close... "You shouldn't have to do all the work while he gets all the glory. It should be you as Head Boy, not him." She wanted to cry so badly, but she also wanted to scream and throw things and -"That's it, I've changed my mind, I'm writing to the Headmaster at once." And with a single-minded determination, Lily Evans marched upstairs to her room, to give Albus Dumbledore a piece of her mind.

[Remus Lupin]

If she pressed him about what happened with Severus, he was going to have to come up with a lie. And then he’d have to tell the boys so that they knew the lie as well, and there was already one lie he needed to fill them in on. However if she spoke to Severus and he told her what had happened, not only would he have to save Sirius from Lily but she’d be furious with him for not telling her the truth. All he could do now was hope that Severus would keep his word about keeping everything that had happened a secret. He could also hope that Severus’ very public betrayal of Lily’s trust was enough to keep her from questioning the snake. Maybe eventually he could tell her the truth, or maybe Sirius could tell her if the two of them ever became friends. For now he was content that his story would stick, and that he wasn’t going to betray or lose one of his best friends because of the truth.

Truth, it was funny, because that’s what Lily was saying to him. That people told him he wasn’t a monster because it wasn’t true, but those people had never been there for the earlier transformations. The ones where he was by himself, looking at the look of fear on his mother’s face and the disdain on his father’s before the wolf took over. His own family had seen a monster back then, how was it even different now? The Wolfsbane potion allowed him to stay in control of his mind, but he could still hurt someone if he wasn’t careful. And he knew, even though he didn’t like to think about it, that his escapes in the Forbidden Forest at school with the boys were a situation where someone could get hurt. Everyday Remus may not have been a monster, but he could there was a part of him that he couldn’t control. He smiled at Lily’s words, knowing she meant them, and laughed as she turned stern. “Seems like you’ve already got your Head Girl voice down. Yes ma'am, no more speaking poorly of myself. I’ve been on the end of one of your jinxes before.”

Back to a rather normal, and yet also not normal conversation, he didn’t know what else to say about James being Head Boy. He didn’t want to doubt one of his brothers, but it did feel like a slap in the face to him. He’d wanted to be Head Boy, with Lily as Head Girl, and there had been so many things that they had planned together when they’d talked about the possibility at the end of their last school year. And here they were now, with life altering conversations and whiskey. Before he could stop her, Lily was storming upstairs to her room to right to Dumbledore, and he had to grin. Scarfing down the last of the food he put his dishes in the sink, before grabbing the whiskey and their glasses to follow her. “I’m coming too, we can write him together about this.”